October 2016

I used to have a naive goal in life: to have two kids by the age of 35. I don't know what sparked this goal, but I knew I wanted to have at least two kids, and I thought being done having kids by 35 was the "right" age. Again, that was young and naive me.

However, life doesn't always go as planned. After spending several years trying to conceive, we elected to pursue adoption. After multiple years of working toward an adoption placement, we were finally matched with a son. That's when the nightmare happened. We lost our son the day he was born. I woke up that morning knowing I would be a dad, and went to bed that night knowing I wouldn't be. It was the single worst day of my life.

Two days later was Father's Day. I remember sitting in church, listening to a Father's Day message, feeling the searing pain of not being a dad on what was supposed to be my first Father's Day. I also knew that in just a few weeks, I would be 35, with no kids. It was the loneliest feeling; a terrible day.

Fortunately, that was the beginning of the story, not the end. Just four months later, Sarah and I were blessed with beautiful twin baby boys. People often asked me if all the pain and suffering was worth it. My answer has always been the same. For those five brutal years, I probably would have said "no." However, after stepping foot inside my house with those two babies, "yes, yes, yes," it was worth every single bit of pain, suffering, and every other negative adjective I can think of.

Younger me was so naive. This silly dream to have two kids by the age of 35. It was a ridiculous thing to believe I had so much control over. God showed us that we have literally no control. Funny, though, that after all the dust settled and we had been put through the wringer, I woke up in October 2016 as a 35-year-old father of two kids. God has a sense of humor like that. I’m so grateful for this entire journey, and despite the pain I’ll never be able to escape, I wouldn’t take any of it back. We are blessed beyond belief, and I love my sons so much.

Life rarely goes how we want it to. It almost never works out the way we envision it. It's never as easy or as simple as we'd prefer. But somehow, some way, eventually, it will work out how it's supposed to.….and perhaps better. But a different version of better. If today is a day of celebration, soak it in. Enjoy it. Savor it. Happy Father’s Day! If it represents something more negative for you, please know that the story isn’t fully written yet. This isn’t the end. It’s not the journey you’d prefer, but better is still to come. Trust in that.

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