Under My Roof

Yesterday, I mentioned being in $236,000 of debt at one point. It was 2008, and I was 27, newly engaged. I had my entire life planned out, all the way down to how many children I would have.....and when. Yeah, talk about being young and naive! Everything was going swimmingly until I walked into work one day and was met by a stranger, a stranger who pulled me into a conference room where I found all of my co-workers. Over the next 30 minutes, we were informed that the company was being shut down and that everyone would soon be fired.

That day was the turning point of my life. That was the day I realized that my way of perceiving and handling money was going to painfully catch up with me, and I would soon lose autonomy over my own life decisions. I had $236,000 of debt that wanted to be paid, and the prospect of no income (worst job market of our generation) was a scary proposition for a young man just a few years into his young career.

Self-pity and victimhood were running at full speed in my mind! I had every excuse in the book why I was done dirty, and I was going to suffer the consequences of other people's decisions. That's when I had a wake-up call....a very harsh and humbling wake-up call.

Somewhere in there, I realized that the causes and solutions to all of my problems lived under my roof. I was the common denominator for my crappy situation, and whether I liked it or not, I was responsible for navigating my life to a better situation. Until that moment, I thought my fortune and failures rested in the hands of outside forces. In other words, personal responsibility played less of a role than luck. That wake-up call changed everything for me.

If my past decisions led me to a place where I had limited life options, then perhaps my current and future decisions could get me to a place with more life options. My new fiancé and I set a new plan for our lives, and that plan involved never repeating that debacle again. We committed to ourselves that we would forevermore perceive money differently and would never again allow finances to dictate our lives.

It took 4.5 years to work our way through the debt mess, but life was so beautiful on the other side. Turns out, my wake-up call was right. The cause of and solution to most of my life's problems lives under my roof.....and it stares at me in the mirror.

The same goes for you. The cause of and solution to your life's problems probably lives under your roof. That's never a fun thing to admit, but once we do, it has the power to change everything. We must own our past decisions and equally own the responsibility for working ourselves toward a new reality. Discipline, humility, and persistence are key. It's not always fun, but there's something so powerful knowing it lives under your roof.

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Embracing Seasons

This weekend kicked off a new season for my family. On Saturday, the boys had their last practice before their lacrosse games begin. Then, on Sunday morning, they had their first flag football game of the year. Lastly, on Sunday afternoon, they had their first public performance with their new classic punk band at a local watering hole.

It's busier than we prefer, but we're going to embrace the season for what it is. Challenges will most certainly come, but so too will the blessings. I think a lot about life in terms of seasons. Seasons come and go, each presenting its own set of challenges and blessings.

From age 23 through 28, I eagerly engaged in a season of building my career. It was brutally challenging, but oh so fulfilling. I started as a naive kid, and ended up a little less naive and a little less kid.

From age 28 to 32 was the season of paying off our debt. Sarah and I had $236,000 of debt that dictated several of our life decisions, and we were committed to never letting that happen again. It was probably one of the most challenging seasons of our lives, but looking back, one of the most fulfilling (and impactful).

The age 32-38 season was when my career took off in a big way, while we simultaneously worked through the adoption process to begin our family. This is the season where we experienced the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. I spent much time in Asia and the Middle East, so many doors were unlocked for us, we found our people, we lost a son, we were blessed with twin baby boys, and we lost twin baby girls. So much beauty, so much pain.

The age 38-43 season was the most financially challenging season, with our family taking a 90% pay cut for me to start my career over and rebuild a new life.

In the midst of that, the age 41-45 season included the birth and ramp-up of Northern Vessel, which has unexpectedly become one of the greatest joys and blessings of my life. I never saw that coming, but I'm grateful for every bit of it.

As I reflect on each of those seasons, I can't help but think about how much pain, suffering, and turmoil each brought me. At the same time, however, when I embraced each for what it was, while also understanding it would eventually evolve into a different season, I was able to embrace it. I didn't always get it right, but the name of the game always felt like "seize the moment."

Whatever season you're in, whether awesome or painful, always remember three things:

• This season will eventually pass.

• You have the ability to seize it for whatever it is.

• Regardless of the pain, good WILL come from it. You might not see it now, but one day, it will be obvious how much good came from it.

Embrace the season.....every season. It's one of those things that makes life so difficult, but also so beautiful.

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Different, But Valuable

During a recent conversation with a friend, I was asked about the podcast, blog, speaking, coffee shop, and other consulting work I do. In short, this friend was applauding my contribution to the world, but then immediately began lamenting that they don't have anything worthwhile to offer. What?!?!

This friend is absolutely brilliant, and ultimately, I'd argue, has the potential to make a much bigger impact on the world than I. To me, this person is a legend!!! I wish I had even a fraction of this person's composure and intellect. Therefore, you can only imagine how confused I was when this individual lamented that they wished they had something to offer the world as I do.

This is the poisonous consequence of comparison. It's so easy to compare ourselves to other people, putting their skills and talents on a pedestal, while simultaneously demeaning our own. My friend does it, I do it, and you probably do it, too.

Every single one of us has something valuable to offer the world. It might be different than mine or other people in your life, but just as valuable! If I can convince people of one thing, it's this. Every single person has something valuable to offer, and if that's true, we have an opportunity and responsibility to share it.

For years, I sat around unfairly comparing myself to other people who were making a difference. If I only had his humor! If I only had his education! If I only had his good looks. If I only had his height. If I only had his wealth. If I only had his connections. If I only had his stage presence. In the midst of my wallowing and self-pity, I sat on the sidelines, not sharing my gifts with the world. What a shame!!!!

Therefore, I'm the biggest advocate for people to share their gifts with the world. Yeah, you might suck at first. You might be terrible. But doing something poorly is the admission price to eventually doing it well. We all start somewhere, but where we start isn't where we finish......that's why it's called the start.

Some of you need to hear this today. Some of you have been sitting on your gifts for years, even decades. Perhaps today is the day to get over yourself, quit comparing your gifts to other people's, and start sharing your gifts with the world. I don't know what that looks like, but I bet you do.

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To College Or Not To College

"What if one of your kids doesn't want to go to college?" asked one of my friends.

I have a bachelor's degree in finance. Going to college was instrumental in opening the doors that eventually led to my career. I'm a believer in secondary education. What about my kids, though?

My only desire for my kids is that they pursue work that matters to them. If that means a college education, great. If that means trade school, great. If that means immediately starting something entrepreneurial of their own, great. If that means going directly into the workforce, great. All I care about is for them to live a meaningful, purposeful, fulfilling life.

Here's what I don't want. I don't want them to enter adulthood crippled by student loan debt. I watch countless young adults start their adulting journeys set up to fail. I so badly don't want my kids to experience that. Therefore, my commitment to them is to help guide them into the next season of life without the debt. Part of that will be helping them financially, but a larger part will be helping them make wise choices, work hard, and pay the price to remain debt-free. As a parent, I must play a major role in helping these young men see the bigger picture (and not let four years of fun and excitement sabotage their decades to come).

Far too often, we blindly and naively ship our kids off to college with no end in mind. There, they wander for 4-5 years, accumulate tens of thousands of student loan debt, and have no natural landing spot after the college experience is over. It's sad to watch that reality play out in families all over this nation.

I pray my kids feel convicted in their next steps by the time their high school journey comes to a close, but regardless of where they are called to go next, we'll support them and encourage them to relentlessly pursue work that matters. I can't wait to see where they end up, but not too fast; I still gotta enjoy these sweet young years!

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Manhood

I stumbled upon something mind-boggling last night. According to a recent survey, 86% of men say that being a financial provider defines manhood. Just as scary, 77% of women agree. Nearly 9 out of 10 men, and nearly 8 out of 10 women, define manhood by a man's ability to financially provide.

While I 100% agree that one of a man's key roles should be to financially provide, it's most certainly not THE defining factor. Rather, it's A factor. The fact that we use dollar signs to place identity on men isn't news to me, but it's always disheartening.

This cultural pressure and false identity have swept men into a twisted reality where they must pursue more income at all costs. And by all costs, I mean at the expense of their role as husband, father, friend, and community member. We've told men that the only thing that matters is how much money they can bring into the household and the standard of living it can create.

Consequences of such toxic perspectives include rapidly declining mental health, broken marriages, absent parenting, miserable work, poor decisions, and severe health conditions. I'm not sure if you see this, but at scale, men are suffering in silence. They are hurting, but staying quiet. There's a quiet brokennes erupting all around us. I've been watching this unfold for years, and it's escalating.

So, what's the alternative? Completely disregard money and excuse men from their responsibility to financially provide? No way! Yes, let's financially provide for ourselves and our families. At the same time, we need to step up and be the best husband, father, friend, and community member we can be. Those things are tremendously valuable, and shouldn't be overlooked or disregarded.

I think about my friend I wrote about yesterday, who provides for his family in so many ways. His value is not measured in dollars. Yes, he provides financially, but he does so much more (as does his amazing wife). That's what makes them a special couple. It's not about a singular trait or role. They don't pigeonhole themselves into these made-up values or superficial measuring sticks.

Whether man or woman, your value doesn't come from dollar signs. It doesn't come from the house you live in, the car you drive, the school you send your kids to, the destinations of your vacations, the clothes you wear, or the professional titles you carry. You're valuable because you're a child of God....period. You're valuable....period. The rest is just noise.

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When Backwards Is Forward

Several months ago, one of my clients made a counter-cultural move. With small children at home, the husband intentionally took a different job. No, that's not counter-cultural. What's counter-cultural is the fact that he willingly and knowingly took a $10,000 pay cut. We're not talking about someone who makes huge money and then makes huge money minus $10,000. I'm talking about someone who makes a normal income, where there's not a ton of margin each month, who now makes a normal amount of money minus $10,000. See, counter-cultural.

When he walked into the room for our coaching meeting, he seemed light as a feather. He had a little extra pep in his step. He and his wife seemed like their marriage was as good as ever. He looked sincerely happy! However, I had to ask him the question: "Do you ever wonder if you should have stayed at the old job?"

"No, not a single doubt!" he said with a massive grin. I couldn't have loved it more!

Society says he's going backwards, but in the world of meaning over money, that dude just won the jackpot! He's living with so much joy, purpose, and fulfillment. Sure, he's making $10,000 less per year than he was, but that was the best $10,000 he ever spent!

His wife agrees. She also beams when talking about his new job and how it's made their lives better. She's proud of him and so happy that he's living his best life right now. One could say that his decision "hurt" his family, but she would vehemently reject that. They are better than ever, and it's not even close.

I've so often watched friends around me sabotage their lives for an increase in income. They left jobs they loved to take jobs that paid more. Over and over and over, I watch regret set in. Sure, the extra income feels really cool for a while; there's no denying that. However, once the dust settles and that new income just becomes normal, they have to reckon with the reality that they wake up each day with less enthusiasm, excitement, and purpose than they used to. To me, that's tragic.

Don't let our culture convince you that the definition of winning in your career is more income. Sure, there might be more income. More income might be the byproduct of your excellent work. However, more income in and of itself isn't winning. Pursue the meaning. Pursue the purpose. Pursue the life you never want to leave. That's the real definition of winning.

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What Else Are We Supposed to Do?!?!

A friend of a friend recently made an exciting decision: He purchased a new car!!! Everyone around him is so excited. "Congratulations!" exclaimed one person on social media. "Well deserved," quipped another. Silently, I mourned for him. He did exactly what he was supposed to do, and now, he's screwed.

He's a young man in his early 20s, with an okay job ($22/hour, full-time). It's not a bad job, but after I tell you the next part, you'll probably cringe. He has a $62,000 loan on his new purchase. I don't know the exact terms of his financing, but it's highly likely that his monthly payment is north of $1,000.

When I asked my friend about this guy's decision, he said something interesting. This young guy was just trying to do what he's supposed to do. He needed a car, new cars cost a lot of money, so he did what he needed to do to buy it. It's not his fault that he doesn't have a higher income. It's not his fault that cars cost so much. It's not his fault that his new payment is going to crush him. This is the way of the world, and he's just trying to survive.

This young man isn't alone. In fact, I'd say more people fall into this line of thinking than not. It's pervasive.....and it's destructive! I regularly meet with folks who are burdened by crushing vehicle loans. Very rarely do they admit there was a mistake made. Instead, they typically do what this young man did: defend it through the lens of what culture says we should do, have to do.

Is there an alternative? Of course there is! Sarah and I haven't had a car loan for the entirety of our 17-year marriage. It's not because we've always had so much money. Rather, it's because we said we would never again have car debt, then made decisions to honor that promise. What does that look like? In our case, only buying vehicles we could afford. I've never paid more than $19,000 for a vehicle, EVER. Here, I'll show you:

• Age 16: $7,000 (if I remember correctly) - used debt

• Age 17: $2,500 (after totaling above vehicle) - with cash

• Age 19: $19,000 (stupid!) - with a LOT of debt (stupid, stupid!!!)

• Age 26: $10,000 (reasonable) - with cash

• Age 30: $15,000 (car for me) - with cash

• Age 35: $18,000 (car for Sarah to fit twin babies) - with cash

• Age 36: $16,000 (replacing a car that got totaled) - with cash

• Age 42: $9,000 (my fun 350z convertible) - with cash

We'll soon replace Sarah's vehicle that we purchased a decade ago for $18,000, which now has about 250,000 miles. The budget is $25,000 for a used Toyota Sienna. Why used? Because that's the amount we can justifiably afford without going into debt. It's not easy, but it's simple.

At the exact same time, young adults all over America who are making a much lower income than us are spiraling into crippling debt because "that's what we're supposed to do." Please don't fall for the trap. It's not worth it. I promise, it's not worth it!

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It Cuts Both Ways

Whenever we think about budgeting, we tend to view it through the lens of "spend less." Sure, sometimes that can be true, but that's not the true intent of budgeting. At its best, budgeting is far less about spending less and more about spending better. It's creating a plan, executing said plan, and tracking how we did with said plan.

However, it always seems to come back to the idea that spending less is a win and spending more is a fail. I couldn't disagree more with this sentiment. If a client comes in $1,000 under budget, I tell them they failed. Why? Because they didn't honor their plan. If the plan is to spend $x, they need to spend $x. Therefore, my gauge of how successful someone is with their budget is how close they came to zero. I'd rather someone overspend on their budget by $200 than underspend by $1,000. It's like darts: the closest to the center wins.

Here's how it looks in my household. Last weekend, Sarah asked if we should go out to eat. "Let's look at the budget and find out," I replied. It turns out, for whatever reason, we still had $125 left in our dining out budget for the month. "Let's go out to eat tonight AND tomorrow!" That was great news for us, and the boys were doubly excited.

This is what it looks like to honor a budget. It's not about spending less; it's about spending better. If we negotiate that we are going to spend a certain amount on dining out, then we owe it to ourselves to make good on that promise. We can't blow past that amount, but we also can't fall way short of that amount, either.

It cuts both ways! Think about this idea next month as you create your monthly budget and attempt to execute the plan. Please don't look at your budget as some legalistic, fun-stealing rain cloud that hovers over your life, telling you "no." Instead, use it as the mechanism to bring your goals, aspirations, and motives to life......then live accordingly.

I promise you, if you commit to viewing your money through this it-cuts-both-ways lens, it will change your relationship with personal finance forever.

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Failure Is Our Friend

I'll start with the obvious: I'm beyond excited that my Iowa State Cyclones advanced to the Sweet 16 yesterday. I'm looking forward to Friday's game against Tennessee!

Since last Wednesday, 52 teams have experienced the pain, suffering, and embarrassment, on a national stage, nonetheless, of having their seasons come to a sudden end. All of their hopes, dreams, and aspirations came crashing down in a matter of minutes. Many of these players played in their very last collegiate game.....or last game, period. So much heartbreak.

At the same time, it's exactly what they signed up for. Achieving our dreams ALWAYS involves the risk of failure. There's nothing worth doing that doesn't require us to experience the pain, suffering, and embarrassment of failure. Ultimately, I think that's what makes March Madness so beautiful.

That goes for sport, but it's also what makes life so beautiful. Each day, when we get out of bed and step into the world, we should be pursuing something that involves the risk of failure. Two cars crashed through our storefront

Despite Northern Vessel appearing from the outside as a stunning success story, we've experienced so many failures since opening the shop more than three years ago:

• Two cars crashed through our storefront in a nine-month span.

• Our original bottle subscription program never lived up to our expectations and was eventually axed.

• The mobile app we spent so much time and money developing was discontinued.

• We failed on multiple in-store product offerings.

• Our canning operation was a complete failure, resulting in huge financial losses.

• There were stretches when our finances weren't as locked in (low margins, higher-than-expected overhead, extraordinary expenditures).

These things weren't just minor inconveniences. There was a stretch in early 2024 when there was a legitimate possibility we wouldn't make it as a company. Some of it was our fault, some was circumstantial, all of it was embarrassing! Ultimately, though, we needed to use our failures to make ourselves better. We never would have gotten to where we are today had we not been exposed to those failures. Learn, iterate, grow.

Failure is part of success. Without failure, there is no success. Without failure, there is no iteration. Without failure, there is no growth. Without failure, there is no better. While I'd prefer not to re-live or repeat those failures, in hindsight, they made us who we are today. I'll always appreciate it for that.

Please don't be scared of failure. Pursue it. Tease it. Live each day with the very real possibility that failure might stare you in the face. That's where the beauty unfolds.

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A Packed House

We celebrated the life and mourned the passing of my friend Chuck yesterday. It was one of the most beautiful services I've ever attended.

Typically, large funeral services are reserved for the young, the tragic, and dignitaries. At nearly 70 years old, my friend Chuck was none of those. However, as Sarah and I walked into the sanctuary, we were met with a packed house. I don't mean to sound hyperbolic, but attendance was closer to 1,000 than not. Anyone and everyone was there. As I scanned the crowd, I saw so many people that I never would have guessed even knew Chuck. People from all different areas of my life, gathering for a common purpose: To honor, celebrate, and say goodbye to an amazing man.

The irony of yesterday's service is that Chuck never lived in the spotlight. He was best known for his behind-the-scenes work, or, as I often think of it, leading from behind. He was the epitome of humility and God-honoring integrity, modeling it in every area of his life. One of the biggest lessons I've ever learned from him is that you don't need to be the loudest voice to make an impact. All that's required of us is to use whatever we have to serve those around us.

For Chuck, impact was the result of one conversation, one interaction, one act of service, one relationship at a time. For decades, he quietly moved the needle in people's lives. The result? Thousands of people mourn his loss. Thousands of people celebrate having known him. Thousands of people are better off for having learned from him. Thousands of people laugh as they share stories about him.

Chuck taught me one more thing yesterday. I want to live a life that warrants a packed house. I want to use whatever I have to serve others well. I want to live with humility and know that moving the needle in small ways can yield a large impact. I won't soon forget what I saw and experienced yesterday, and that's a great thing.

Chuck, you will be missed. Chuck, you will be remembered. Chuck, we will continue to share stories and laugh. Chuck, your impact will be felt for generations. Well done, good and faithful servant.

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$28 Ice Cream

"The biggest risk of racing to the bottom," says famed marketer Seth Godin, "is that you might win. Or worse, come in second."

Our family went on an ice cream run last night. We had several options to choose from, but ultimately, we selected one of the best shops in our city. Three of us got single scoops of ice cream in a cup, and one got a single scoop of ice cream in a standard cake cone. $28.

$28 for four scoops of ice cream?!?! Yeah, it was pretty awesome. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. The product was predictably phenomenal. The staff was patient with my kids and extraordinarily kind. The space was clean. We felt welcome. The vibe was fantastic.

We could have spent less money virtually any other place in our city, yet we willingly went there. Why? It's not about a race to the bottom......it's a race to excellence. This place practices excellence, and in return, people are willing to pay a premium price.

As you probably know, I think about this topic a lot. Northern Vessel is probably one of the highest-priced coffee shops in the entire state. Despite that, we were blessed yesterday with the opportunity to serve nearly 700 drinks. People surely don't come to NV for our unbeatable prices. I don't want to put words in people's mouths, but I hope they would say they come for some combination of world-class hospitality, consistently well-crafted drinks, some innovative practices, and high-energy vibes. It's not a race to the bottom....it's a race to excellence.

There are two ways businesses can create value for their customers and clients:

1. Reduce the price, thereby widening the gap between price and value.

2. Add more value, thereby widening the gap between price and value.

Both lead to the same theoretical place, but in practice, they couldn't be further apart. It takes no amount of excellence to cut prices or offer huge discounts. Even the worst product or service can be sold at a rock-bottom price. On the flip side, adding value requires that we inject excellence at some level (or levels) in the customer experience.

This message is two-fold. First, business owners, I hope you wholeheartedly reject the idea of racing to the bottom. You might just win, or worse, come in second. That race is a fast track to spinning your tires and burning out. Instead, add value, add value, add value. That can only be done through excellence.

Second, to the consumers (that's all of us!). Don't fall for the race to the bottom. Don't obsess about price. Yes, price matters, but it's not the be-all and end-all. Focus on value, and most often, the value that's created through excellence is where the real magic happens. That's the value that makes you smile, feel appreciated, gain confidence in your purchase decision, and know you're doing business with the right people. Seek out those interactions; turn them into relationships. It makes life richer!

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A Different Kind of Success

A theme has taken shape in my coaching over the last few weeks. Several families have recently endured a ton of "life." Yeah, let's call it "life." Job losses, medical emergencies, HVAC breakdowns, car problems, unexpected vet bills.....the list goes on. We're talking about thousands or tens of thousands of dollars worth of "life."

Needless to say, these couples are discouraged. They had so many goals. Debt payoff goals. Savings goals. Investing goals. Purchase goals. Giving goals. Whatever their goals were, using that money to absorb emergency after emergency wasn't on their wish list.

Despite all that, I view each of these couples as financially successful. Not successful in their established goals, but a different kind of success. In the past, each of these couples would have immediately resorted to debt to pay for these emergencies. The credit cards come out to play. The HELOC takes on a chunk. A new car loan would be in order. Not this time! Today, each of these couples can (and should!) hold their heads high and recognize the fact that they've experienced the brutal realities of life without incurring debt. That's a massive win in my book!!!

I pray each of these families gets back to some form of normal soon, but in the meantime, I will celebrate this massive success of taking multiple punches without punishing their future selves with the burden of debt.

Maybe you're in a season of achieving all the goals you set for yourself. But if not, and like these families, you're experiencing all the bluntness life has to offer, I hope you can create and celebrate a different kind of success. All wins are worth celebrating, even when winning means surviving the onslaught.

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One Number

Whenever someone asks me for financial advice, there's one number I immediately try to get from them to help me understand their approach to life and potential tension level. Want to guess what it is? Nope, not income. Nope, not debt balance. Nope, not retirement portfolio.

Their house payment as a percentage of their take-home income. Here's an example. If a family has a $2,200 housing payment (rent or mortgage) and a $7,000 take-home income, their number is approximately 31%. For me, that's the magic number. That number alone tells me most of what I need to know.

The higher that number is, the couple has fewer options, less margin, and probably a lot of stress/tension. The lower that number is, the couple has more options, improved margin, and probably a lot less stress/tension. Ideally, this magic number would be less than 25%, but in higher cost-of-living cities, it could be a bit higher.

If I meet with a couple who want to get right with money, but their number is 45%, that's a tough hill to climb. It's going to be awfully tough to pay off debt, set aside money for savings, give, and contribute to retirement. If one single category of life costs almost half of one's take-home income, it puts immense pressure on all the other areas of life. Some would call that being "house poor."

Conversely, if I meet with a different couple who want to get right with money, but their number is 15%, they have a multitude of options! With that level of margin on their largest expense, there's likely money to spare for other, more important categories. Debts can get repaid. Savings can be built. Investments can gain momentum. Generosity can flow. So many options!

I regularly have people tell me that this number isn't a choice. Rather, it's just a reflection of an uncontrollable reality. Never before has that myth been as front and center as it was a few weeks ago, when I met with two couples on the same day. Both couples live in the same town and have similar household incomes (approximately $9,000/month take-home income). One couple's monthly housing payment is $1,800 (20%), and the other's is $4,200 (47%).

Same income, same town! Here's the kicker. The couple with the $4,200 payment, which equates to 47% of their take-home income, was insistent that they are merely a victim of the times. There's nothing they can do to lighten the load, they claim. The other couple, with an $1,800 house payment that accounts for 20% of their take-home income, shared that they intentionally chose to live below their means so they could build a strong financial foundation and follow their callings.

One final thought. Nothing is permanent. If you're in one living situation, there's no law on the books that says you must stay there. Often, this single (weighty) decision can be the inflection point for so much amazing life change. Don't let the world convince you that you're merely a victim of circumstance. Yes, crap happens. Yes, we might be on the receiving end of some negative outcomes. However, that doesn't have to cement your fate.

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Presents vs. Presence

One of my good friends, a sincerely good man, is facing a quandary. He doesn't see it that way, but I do. Here's the short version of the story. He's in the midst of a multi-year work assignment that's crushing him. 80-hour weeks, endless travel, and a stress level that boggles the mind. But does he enjoy the work or find meaning in it? Nope, none whatsoever. Well, then, why in the world is he subjecting himself (and his family) to this ongoing reality?

"I want to be able to give my kids ______." His tone immediately shifted from work and back to his kids. He wants to provide his kids with the good life. Material possessions, a high standard of living, and story-worthy trips. He wants his kids to have the childhood he never had. In other words, he wants to take society's idealized version of the American dream and transplant it into his kids.

After much ranting, he asked me what I thought about the topic (knowing that I have these kinds of conversations with people every day). "Your kids want presence, not presents."

I'm sorry, parents, but your kids don't give a crap about the material trappings of this world. They may say things that lead you to believe they do, but ultimately, they just want you present in their lives. Period.

As a culture, we need to start asking ourselves what's really important. Do we really want to train our children to believe that the be-all and end-all is money, stuff, and status? People's immediate reaction to that question is probably, "Of course not, idiot!" However, if those same people were to look in the mirror and ask themselves what their actions are saying (and modeling to their kids), they might be communicating a different message than desired.

I recently turned down a ridiculous financial windfall. It was an opportunity to do really cool work for a LOT of money. It was flattering. My ego kinda enjoyed it. It sounded sexy. A tiny materialistic piece of me desperately wanted to say yes. The answer was a resounding "no." Presence over presents. I can't allow myself to deviate from the mission, and one of those missions is to be a present and engaged father.

Everyone is dealing with their own realities and situations. Nothing is simple. Nothing is black-and-white. You might face financial pressures. You might feel the tension. Other considerations might be in play. Regardless of where you're at and what's on the table for you, if you're a parent, please don't believe the lie that presents are more important than presence. Presence will win every single time.

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The Perils of Mental Segregation

About six years ago, one of my close friends asked me for some high-level financial advice. As they explained the structure of their household finances, the wife said, "His income is used to pay the bills, and my income is used for travel and fun stuff."

This is the world's biggest red flag in my book. Whenever we start attributing specific purposes to specific income streams, we've set ourselves up to fail (both financially and relationally). No, his income isn't used to pay the bills. No, her income isn't used for travel and fun. Their collective income is used to pay the bills, travel, and do fun things.

Now, you might say that I'm parsing words here, but please track with me for a second. What happens if he loses his job or takes a meaningful pay cut? The weight of keeping the household afloat rests solely on his shoulders. Conversely, what if she loses her job or takes a meaningful pay cut? The weight of the family's financial enjoyment rests solely on her shoulders.

There's one more factor at play. What if she one day desires to stay at home with her kids? They both brushed off that notion, definitively stating that it would never happen. Can you guess where this story is going? Recently, she decided that she has a deep desire to stay at home with their young children. Unfortunately, they never recalibrated their perspective on income allocation, and they are in a bind.

If she quits her job, all wants will be wiped from their budget. Why? "His income is used to pay the bills, and my income is used for travel and fun stuff." They've maintained that mindset up to the present, and it's biting them hard. At some point in the journey, it also transcends from a mindset to an actual reality. If they believe his income is used to pay for the bills (which they have), then they will structure their basic needs to run all the way up to his income. Therefore, there's little margin remaining to absorb the wants if her income decreases.

Tension. Fighting. Tears. Broken dreams. Talks of the D-word. They are in such a tough spot right now, all for something that could have been righted years ago. They specifically asked if I would write about this so "at least some good might come from it." Request granted.

Where do they go from here? In my mind, they have two paths:

1. She gives up her dream and calling. This option sucks.

2. They completely recalibrate their view of income. From now on, all there is is money in and money out. "Our income, our expenses." Then, they must make some major sacrifices to free up cashflow on their basic needs (to allow at least a marginal level of wants). This option sucks, too, but they will one day look back and thank their younger selves for doing it.

Please heed their cautionary tale. Any time you find yourself thinking something along the lines of "this income will be used for _____," you're barking up the wrong tree. Instead, add that income to the pot, then make a holistic decision for the entire pot that's best for the family.

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Tell the Others

One of my friends recently reached out to me. It was an unexpected, but fun conversation. In short, this individual wanted to thank me for being such a strong advocate for their business. Contextually, this person said I'm responsible for them making "hundreds of thousands of dollars over the years" (a fact I wasn't previously aware of). After a huge statement of gratitude was made, they added the following: "We feel bad that you haven't made anything from all of this. You deserve so much, and haven't received a thing in return for all you've done."

They couldn't be more wrong. They don't realize it, but I've received so much from them. No, not actual compensation. Not financial rewards. Not some tangible signal that I've done something. Rather, I've received an even better reward. The people I care about have been served well, with excellence, and their lives are better for having been introduced to this amazing business. That IS the reward.

That's what makes the relentless pursuit of excellence so powerful. Ultimately, people don't want to "support small business." They want to be served excellently, and if it happens to be from a small business, great! When push comes to shove, people are agnostic with their own money and patronage. They'll spout platitudes on social media about "supporting small" and "supporting local," but their money eventually gravitates toward excellence.

Is it true my friend has made hundreds of thousands of dollars from my advocacy? I'll take them at their word that it's true. That's not my fault, nor do I deserve credit. Their excellence deserves the credit. Their excellence drew me in, then their continued excellence caused me to tell the people in my life about them. That's how excellence works: it spreads, it multiplies, it overpowers everything else.

People don't need compensation to be advocates of excellence. Watching their people receive excellence IS the reward. We shouldn't need to be guilted into patronizing businesses. We shouldn't feel bad about spending money at national companies. What should (and does) make us feel like crap is spending our hard-earned money on companies that don't practice excellence (whether the smallest of small businesses or the largest of large).

Here's my challenge for you today. If you've found excellence in your life (excellent services, excellent products, excellent brands, excellent restaurants, etc.), tell the others. Let people know about your discovery. The most selfish thing we can do is keep the good news to ourselves, and the most generous thing we can do is tell the others. Therefore, tell the others!

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Alternatives

My son Pax has been dead set on buying a pair of $125 Oakley sunglasses. I've been careful not to poop on his aspirations, but I've secretly been hoping he would eventually change his mind. $125 for a pair of sunglasses is a lot for an adult, never mind a third grader. The good news is that it takes a 9-year-old a long time to save up $125. As of this weekend, he was sitting on about $102.....close but not close enough.

Without explicitly saying it, I think he's been feeling the weight of this prospective purchase. He's experiencing just how much work is involved in saving for a single pair of $125 sunglasses. Then, yesterday happened. As we walked through Dick's Sporting Goods, he caught sight of a cool pair of sunglasses. He beelined it to the display and hurried to try on a few pairs.

Just a few minutes later, he decided to pull the trigger. $45. Just like that, he had an awesome pair of sunglasses he loved, plus $57 of cash leftover from his sunglasses fund. He found the perfect alternative, and it beautifully propelled him forward.

Not the style I would have chosen, but he loves them!

This is such an important topic for each of us to confront. Often, we get locked into a particular plan. We concede that something will cost a certain amount of money, time, energy, or sacrifice. For whatever reason, we develop tunnel vision and build our reality around this way being the absolute unyielding truth.

What are the alternatives, though? I recently met with a couple who are having brutal car issues. Their current vehicle is starting to absorb large chunks of repair money. What should they do? In their minds, there is only one option: purchase a new vehicle, which will cost between $55,000-$65,000. That's it. That's their fate.

What about alternatives? There are no alternatives, they exclaimed! Continue eating big repair bills, or buy a new car. In their situation, said new car would require a huge loan with a huge monthly payment. Oh well, they thought, it's their new reality. Tunnel vision set in.

It took a few conversations, but fortunately, they started to see some alternatives taking shape. After a few months had passed, they elected to purchase a reliable used vehicle that a) eliminates the repair issues they were dealing with, and b) avoids the painful cost of the debt that a new vehicle would surely create. They had the same look on their faces as Pax had yesterday when he purchased his alternative sunglasses: Relief, contentment, and peace.

Life is filled with alternatives.....if we're willing to look. When I look back at my adult life, some of the best purchases and decisions I've made were actually alternatives to the primary plan I set for myself. Whether knowingly or unknowingly, my eyes were opened to a better, more effective alternative. Each time that happens, I could feel my life propel forward. Relief, contentment, peace.

Always look for the alternatives.

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You Don’t Have to Play Their Game

One of my favorite subgenres on social media is the one where people whine and cry about how much businesses rip them off. Chipotle is probably my favorite. A jacked dude is sitting in his car, saucing up the fat burrito he just purchased. As he's preparing to take his first bite, he's complaining about how it's absurd that two burritos cost $37. Chipotle never used to cost this much, he exclaims. It's highway robbery! He takes a giant bite into his juicy burrito, then complains some more.

Chipotle, Five Guys, Disney World, new cars, airport restaurants, drinks in clubs, Ticketmaster, etc. There's no end to the complaining people do for decisions they voluntarily and willingly make.

One of my friends was recently lamenting the fees charged by Ticketmaster. He goes on and on and on about it. "Did you enjoy the show?" I asked. "Yeah, it was amazing!!!" "Would you do it again?" "Yeah, in a heartbeat." So, what's the problem?

Here's a little encouragement. You don't have to play their game. If you don't like the price of Chipotle, don't go. Simple as that. If it's really that big of a ripoff, then don't go. Go to one of the hundreds of dining alternatives. But if you're still going to go, own it. If you're willingly going to pay $18 for a fast-food burrito, embrace it. Enjoy it; savor it. Don't whine about it.

This is a wild part of behavioral science that I'm increasingly fascinated by. In a world where we have near-unlimited choices, we're intentionally (and repeatedly) choosing to go to XYZ businesses, then continuously whining about how big a ripoff they are. It's bonkers!

You don't have to play their game. If I think somewhere is a ripoff, I don't go. If I think something is a ripoff, I don't buy it. In the event I do willingly purchase something that's questionably a ripoff, I own it. I made that choice. There was no gun to my head. We look awfully ridiculous when we make a choice to do something, then become a victim of said choice.

If you want to slam that burrito, slam that burrito. If you want to avoid that place, avoid that place. In the words of a wise mentor, "Let your yes be yes, and your no be no."

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Someone Else’s Dream

Do you ever find yourself wishing to be in someone else's shoes? Sure, life is fine, but if only I had that person's life! I can think of so many times these sorts of thoughts have gone through my head. I think about my friend in Dubai who parks his Lamborghini in his kitchen (professionally washed and waxed each night, of course). Or my former colleague in Los Angeles County who hates Los LA traffic so much that whenever we left his house, it was via his private rooftop helipad. Or my friends who, when we go to a restaurant together, don't even look at the right side of the menu!

It's so easy to look at our own life, then look at someone else's, and wish we could step into their shoes. There's no shortage of jealousy in this world, and it doesn't take much to ignite it in us, does it?

Last night, while in a coaching meeting, one of my clients said something that stopped me in my tracks. We were talking about the sacrifices this couple has made over the years to get them to where they are today. It hasn't been easy, but it was oh so worth it. Then, she dropped this bomb:

"We are living someone else's dream."

Read that again. She is living someone else's dream. I'm living someone else's dream. You're living someone else's dream. Regardless of where we're at in life, we're living someone else's dream. By definition, that means we're blessed.

I can meet with a couple who says, "Our lives would be so much better if we could get there!"

Then during my next meeting, I'll be with a couple who is already there. "Our lives would be so much better if we could get THERE!"

Then during my next meeting, I'll be with a couple who is already THERE. "Our lives would be so much better if we could get THERE!!!!!!!!!"

See, each one of these couples is already living someone else's dream, but at the same time, they take it for granted because they just want to get to that next rung on the proverbial ladder.

You're living someone else's dream. I encourage you to spend a few minutes pondering that idea today.

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Focus, In Practice

Crush one thing, then move on to the next. That was the subject of yesterday's post. Focus is a weird thing, and often difficult for us humans to execute. After all, there are many things vying for our time, attention, energy, and resources. However, whether we like it or not, there's simply not enough time, attention, energy, or resources to attack everything.

Today, I want to share some real-life examples of how this concept works through the lens of personal finance. The most common and notable version of this concept I see people shortchanging themselves is debt. Specifically, the payoff of debt. When we try to pay all our debts off at once, we'll likely pay none of them off.

Here's an example of what this looks like, using some nice round numbers for simplicity's sake. A family has ten $1,000 debts, totaling $10,000. This couple determines that it can afford to pay $1,000/month extra toward the debt (above the minimum payments).

Conventional wisdom says that if they pay $100/month toward each debt, they can have their debt paid off after 10 months! That's exciting!!! Here's what that looks like in practice, though:

• After 1 month: 0 debts paid off

• After 2 months: 0 debts paid off

• After 3 months: 0 debts paid off

• After 4 months: 0 debts paid off

• After 5 months: 0 debts paid off

• After 6 months: 0 debts paid off

• After 7 months: 0 debts paid off

• After 8 months: 0 debts paid off

• After 9 months: 0 debts paid off

• After 10 months (if everything went perfectly): 10 debts paid off

The gap between month zero and month 10 feels massive. Grinding month after month after month without feeling a tangible win is terrible. Inevitably, life happens, expenses pop up, or they get sidetracked. Failure is likely. Not because they didn't have it in them, but because they lacked focus. Discouragement sets in. A sense of defeat saturates them. Quitting is on the table.

Let's try this again, but with focus as the primary objective. Instead of paying $100/month toward 10 different debts, they decide to focus all $1,000/month on one debt each month. Here's what that strategy looks like:

• After 1 month: 1 debt paid off

• After 2 months: 2 debts paid off

• After 3 months: 3 debts paid off

• After 4 months: 4 debts paid off

• After 5 months: 5 debts paid off

• After 6 months: 6 debts paid off

• After 7 months: 7 debts paid off

• After 8 months: 8 debts paid off

• After 9 months: 9 debts paid off

• After 10 months: 10 debts paid off

Will life still get in the way? Probably. However, look at those wins! Almost immediately, this family would experience and benefit from wins. From a psychological perspective, wins matter. Getting a win provides much-needed encouragement, confidence, and motivation to not only keep going, but even step on the gas harder.

This one small shift in perspective can be the difference between complete failure and world domination. Same dollars, same timeline, same commitment. Different focus, different results.

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