Just Meet Them Where They’re At

Yesterday was a big day in the Shelton household. Finn and Pax's first-ever debit cards arrived in the mail. They had been counting down the days, and they couldn't have been more excited to receive them.

I'm a little surprised we're here, though. I didn't expect them to have an online bank account and debit card before their ninth birthday, but here we are. I'm totally fine with it, but it wasn't how I thought this journey would play out.

People often ask me what age they should do so and so with their kids. In short, I always have the same advice: "Just meet them where they're at." They will decide when they are ready. Perhaps it's somewhat like potty training. We parents can try and try and try all we want, but ultimately, the child will progress when the time is right for them.

While I don't have a hard-and-fast opinion on timing, I do have some convictions on sequencing. In short, here's my personal and professional roadmap to teaching kids about money.

1. Teach them a basic understanding of physical bills and coins. What it is, what it's used for, and how it works. This involves a lot of physical touch, counting, and sorting. In a way, it's more of a sensory experience than anything.

2. Teach them about work. Why it's important, how it's a good thing, the value of serving other people, and what it provides (financially and otherwise). One of the key takeaways should be that work creates money.

3. If you're a Christian, teach them that everything we have (including our money) belongs to God. It's our job to take care of it well.

4. Give them the opportunity to make money by "working," though "work" can be used lightly here. It's more about creating opportunities for them to get repetition for the concept that work = money.

5. Once they make money (physical money!), actually separate it into two categories: spending and giving. You can use baggies, piggy banks, or any other containers that make sense for your family. Part of the money goes into the spending bucket, and part into the giving bucket. I start with 50/50.

6. Go spend the spending money on something fun. Make a moment of it. Let the child experience how cool it is to buy something fun with the money he/she made from working. Then, immediately take the giving money and make another moment. Find a good recipient and allow the child to be the giver.

7. As the kids get older, add a third category for saving. In our house, we just used baggies to designate spend, save, and give. Have the kids set a saving goal that's attainable. Maybe it's $20. Help them build up to it and achieve their goal. Then, make a moment of using that money to buy said larger item.

8. When the time is right, help them open their first bank account. Starting simple is key. Checking account, savings account, and debit card.

I'll share more about #8 in the near future, plus subsequent steps for older kids, but I hope this rough roadmap helps. Please share this with whoever in your life could use some clarity. The process should be simple, fun, and rewarding. Oh yeah, and no need to push them. Just meet them where they're at.

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Childlike Wonder

Sarah and I took the boys to a dinner theater show last night. It was a phenomenal experience. I wondered how much they would enjoy it, but to my surprise, they came alive and soaked in every second of it. My favorite part was watching the kids yell, scream, cheer, and boo as the action was playing out. They were all in!

I often wonder at what age most of us lose that zest, that imagination, and that wonder. There's a moment in life where we go from having that childlike wonder to getting hit with a blast of reality. It's like our dreams, creativity, and imagination were robbed from under our noses without us even knowing it.

One of my commitments over the past decade has been to live with more childlike wonder. I crave to see things differently and be crazy enough to ask, "Why not?" Every ounce of me wants to revolt against what's normal and expected, instead sharing my version of creativity with the world.

Truthfully, I feel younger now than 15 years ago. While my body certainly isn't, my mind, soul, and imagination are. It's so easy to lose sight of those things in life. After all, life can be brutal. It can often feel like we're repeatedly getting punched by circumstances. It's no wonder we often abandon our childlike wonder, and grasp survival instead.

Watching my kids last night was yet another reminder of how important our imagination, creativity, curiosity, and wonder really are. There's nothing more joyful than living life with that zest that only small children seem to possess.

I have some absolutely insane ideas that have been fighting to come out for a while now. Outside of my assistant and a few close friends, very few people know about some of these ridiculous ideas. Watching my kids over the last few days has been all the affirmation I need to pull the trigger and just say "yes" to some of these quirky inspirations.

As for you, I hope you find a way to keep hold of that childlike wonder that once fueled you. Some of it is still there, even if placed deep on the back burner. Perhaps today is the day to dust it back off.

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Finn’s Reminder

I had a killer idea for today's post, but one moment knocked it right out of me. Last night, shortly after bedtime, I was getting some work done on the couch when out of the blue, Finn came walking out. He approached me, gave me a big hug, and said, "You're the best dad ever. I'm so glad you're my dad." Then, as quickly as he arrived, he scurried back to bed.

Dang, that was unexpected. There are lots of days when I feel like I whiffed, screwed up, or wasn't present enough. Then, there was last night. Between you and me, I really needed that.

These last few days have been a lot of fun in our house. Yeah, there have been lots of sibling fighting, arguing, and tormenting. Yeah, it's been stressful at times. Yeah, I've thought about drop-kicking a little man. But we've had so many small, special moments together. It's been a special run in our house, and for that, I'm so grateful.

Truthfully, the special moments haven't been some profound event. Rather, it's more so a matter of seizing those small little moments. Watching fireworks, sharing snacks, running around in the rain, watching new movies, going on walks, quick trips to the store, and cruising around town. These things seem so innocent and pedestrian, but to our children, they can significantly move the needle.

This is my semi-regular reminder that we don't need to spend a ton of money to create memories. Blowing the bank, taking a bunch of PTO, and racking up the credit card is not a prerequisite to creating memories and sharing experiences with our kids. Usually, it just requires us to slow down, be present, and live in the moment.

I'm sharing this reminder with you today, but in all seriousness, I'll probably set a reminder to have this post shared with me periodically so I don't forget, either. It's so easy to get swept up by life. Let's endeavor to fight that current.

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We Indoctrinate ‘Em Young

After months of the kids asking, I finally pulled the trigger and opened bank accounts for them. There's a particular app that's perfect for this endeavor, which includes a checking account, savings accounts, a debit card, and even investing. From what I can tell, the mechanical execution of this platform is pretty solid. I'll share more about this little adventure at a future date, but for reasons you'll soon see, I'm not going to reveal the name of this platform today.

One of the features of this app is an education catalog. There are videos, games, and quizzes that help teach children about financial literacy. Pax quickly found this section and began watching some of the videos. He learned about needs vs.wants, living below his means, and the basics of inflation. Yes, it was weird to have an almost nine-year-old bring up the fundamentals of inflation at the dinner table

Generally, the financial literacy pieces were solid and well-executed at an age-specific level. But then, as he began working through the saving lessons, this happened:

Which would you choose?

• Retire from working early.

• Live in a more expensive house.

• Travel for vacations often.

This is financial literacy for CHILDREN, and we're already glorifying the race to stop working. When I say that our culture glorifies retirement and demonizes work, this is exactly what I'm talking about. It's not hyperbole.

Every single aspect of our lives pushes the narrative that work sucks and not working is awesome. No wonder so many people are perfectly content working at jobs they despise. 7 out of 10 Americans dislike or hate their jobs, yet nothing ever changes. Why? First, we're told our entire lives that work sucks......so we go into it thinking it's supposed to suck. Second, we tell ourselves that the suckiness doesn't have to last forever. If we just run the race faster and hoard more money, we can quit this stupid working stuff, get to the good part of life, and finally enjoy ourselves.

I know people who are so miserable at work that their hair is literally falling out. I know someone who is so stressed at their job that migraines have become a daily part of their routine. I know multiple people who are so drained by their work that all they want to do on the weekends is sleep. I know multiple people who are so broken by their work that their fingernails and toenails have stopped growing. People are literally dying from their work. Yet, we normalize the misery.

"Dad, what does retire from working early mean?"

I explained to him that some people don't like their jobs and would rather not work than work. So they save more money so that they can stop working when they are younger.

"If they don't like their job, why don't they just go get a different job? They can help people another way."

The mind of an eight-year-old! So simple, so straightforward, so obvious. He hasn't yet become polluted by the ways of this world.

"I think you're right, bud. They should go find a different way to help people. Work is awesome!"

Our kids deserve better. They deserve to live a meaningful life now, not just someday once they finish the retirement race. Let’s help teach our kids the better they deserve.

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They’re All Right

Everyone around me is having babies: former youth group kids, clients, and people on my team. Given my station in life as someone who discusses all things money, I'm repeatedly asked the same question: "How much do kids cost?"

During one such conversation, my young friend said she's heard all sorts of anecdotes about how much it costs to raise children. Some people told her it costs very little, while others say it costs an arm and a leg. My response: "They're all right."

If someone thinks it costs little to raise kids, it will.

If someone thinks it costs a ton to raise kids, it will.

Kids cost what we decide to spend on them.

Raising kids is like spending a long weekend in Las Vegas. It's possible to do it affordably, and it's possible to spend a million dollars. The choice is yours.

I've worked with hundreds of families, and I have a few children of my own. You wouldn't believe the level of cost variability families experience when raising children. Even with children raised in the same city, the differences are stark.

For example, I know a family that spends $5,000-$7,000/month on their children. They would testify this is simply the cost of raising kids. I know another family that spends $200/month on their children. This couple would testify that their kids have more than enough. Kids cost what we spend on them.

In our household, we have two categories for our kids in the budget. First, "Kids." This includes anything explicitly spent for them: clothes, babysitting, fun outings, chore wages, furnishings, etc. It's a catch-all for all things kids. The second category, introduced in second grade, is "Kids Activities." This is a sinking fund that gets funded each month to be used for their lumpy activities: rock band, basketball, football, camps, etc.

The Kids category has ranged from $300-$700/month. It started at $700 for diapers and formula for newborn twins, then down, and is now back up to $400 per month. The Kids Activities category is a constant $600/month. Both of these categories are intentional, conscious, and negotiated choices between Sarah and me. We aren't victims. We are the authors. If we don't like it, we change it.

There are a million variables related to raising children, each with its own cost structure. As parents, it's not our job to say "yes" to any and every opportunity to spend money. Just because someone wants something, it doesn't mean we're required to oblige. I'd argue what's best for our children is to learn boundaries, embrace contentment, and for their parents NOT to be weighed down by massive levels of financial stress and pressure (caused, in part, by the obscene amount they are spending on their children). I've watched parents divorce due to the financial tension that was partially caused by them trying to "be good parents" by saying yes to everything their children want. It's sad.

Kids cost what we spend on them, so we might as well be intentional. If we don't decide what to spend, society will do it for us.

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It’s Not Fair

Pax was visibly shaken after watching Tyrese Haliburton go down early in game 7 last night. Haliburton, a former Cyclone and clearly the most clutch player in this year's NBA Playoffs, was lying on the floor in agonizing pain after tearing his Achilles. He immediately knew he was done (plus next season as well). In that moment, the Pacers' chance of winning a title essentially evaporated. 

Pax is right; it's not fair. It was a good teaching moment. It's not fair, and it never will be. Still, Pax was dumbfounded by how quickly everything changed. He went from believing Haliburton was about to win a title to knowing he probably won't see him play again until he's 10 (in October 2026 when the following season starts). It's not fair.

We didn't get too deep into it last night, but this is something he'll see more and more as he grows. Life isn't fair, and there's nothing he can do about it. As a parent, my job is to teach him to simply fight through the inequity, no matter what. Sure, be mad about the unfairness. Yeah, feel frustrated by it. But after that, fight. We fight, or we cower. We push ahead, or we step aside. We persevere, or we give up.

This is going to be a brutal experience for my kids. Time and time again, they will get a front-row seat at how unfair life is. My job isn't to protect them from it, but rather, to train them to push through it. As a parent, watching them deal with unfairness may be one of the hardest things I ever experience. However, it's critical we teach them through it, not try to help them avoid it.

This is something I watch play out in people's lives daily. It's somewhat easy to find success when things are going our way. Then, something happens. Something unfair. We unjustly lose our job. Someone rips us off. An irresponsible driver totals our car. How we handle these unfair situations is what determines if we'll ultimately be successful or not. This is where the rubber meets the road.

It's not a matter of whether we can get to the other side of this adventure without experiencing unfairness. That's an impossible task! Instead, what matters most is how we respond when life gets unfair. That's what I want to teach my kids. We will be closely watching Haliburton's journey back to the court. I have a feeling it will be an inspiring example of what it looks like to attack unfairness head-on.

Life isn't fair. It doesn't owe us anything. We will draw the short straw more times than we'd like to believe. It's all part of the game. Keep fighting.

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Memory Hacking

Between my travels, Sarah's travels, and Finn and Pax's travels, we haven't all been together as a family much lately. We're just now entering the part of summer where we'll get a lot of quality time together. Simultaneously, however, I have a behavioral quirk. As much as I try, I can't seem to shut off my motor when I'm at home. My wheels are always turning, and I go stir-crazy. I'm not proud of this, but I have come to recognize it for the problem it is.

With Sarah and the boys arriving back home around lunch yesterday, combined with me simultaneously finishing up a big client project and the fact that it was 100+ degrees outside, we decided to do a little memory hacking. We didn't have the time or budgeted funds for a major trip, so we decided to engineer a little staycation. We rented a hotel room in a different part of our metro and dedicated the day to making new memories.

• We stopped at Northern Vessel to pick up some CBLs and visit with the team.

• We shopped at the mall (the first time the boys have ever done that). Finn bought a new Minecraft Lego set, and Pax purchased a pair of football pants. Both were pleased with their decisions.

• We spent hours in the hotel pool (between stints in the hot tub).

• We shared a wonderful meal at a Mexican restaurant adjacent to our hotel (family style, of course).

• We ended the night with ice cream.

Out of the blue, while at dinner, Finn piped up, "Thank you so much for today, Mom and Dad. Today was one of my favorite days ever." Wow! That was so sweet for him to say. If I'm being honest, yesterday didn't feel particularly special. Nothing exotic, nothing wild, nothing expensive. Just a lot of intentionality. The kids felt it. They had a blast and showed much gratitude. Boy, we needed that.....I needed that.

Today, we'll leave the hotel and head directly to a local waterpark for day two of our little staycation. We're all excited; hopefully, many more memories will come.

Whatever is on your agenda today, I hope you find a way to engage in some memory hacking. It doesn't have to be extravagant or profound. Intentionality is the key ingredient. Cheers to a great day and lots of memories.

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Bohemian Rhapsody and Umbrellas

"Dad, can you take me to buy an umbrella?"

"Uh, sure, Finn, we can do that. Why do you want an umbrella?"

"Every man needs an umbrella."

I didn't have a comeback for that, but if the little man wants an umbrella, I'll take him to buy an umbrella. This is what I call closing the loop. First, we work. The work results in money. Part of the money is given. Some of the money is spent. Repeat. Work = money = generosity/spending.

So, if Finny wants to spend some of his money on an umbrella, that's how we're going to close this loop. Truthfully, he's worked hard this summer. Lots of mowing and other odd jobs. Hot, sweaty, sucky jobs. He doesn't always love the work, but he appreciates what it stands for.

So, when ol' Finn wants to jump in the car and go to the umbrella store, we ride! He was so proud of his new umbrella, but as we walked out of the store, he asked another question. "Is there anywhere I can buy a Queen CD?" Yes, an 8-year-old wanted to buy a 70s album.......in CD form. As a matter of fact, I did know a place where we could potentially score a Queen CD. Fifteen minutes later, we were rocking out to some Bohemian Rhapsody.

Closing the loop is so important, and on that day, Finn closed the loop in style!

Work = money = generosity/spending.

Work = money = generosity/spending.

Work = money = generosity/spending.

And the repetition continues.

Parents, keep at it. It won't always go perfectly (I'll talk about Pax another day....). Some loops will be effective, and some will flop. Some loops will be rewarding, and some will be a drag. But the loops matter, and the kids are learning (even when it doesn't seem like it).

Go create some loops with your kids today!

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More Chapters To Be Written

Father's Day, 2016. That was an epic day for me. After nearly five years of waiting to become a father, I was about to spend Father's Day as an actual dad.....unreal! It was a moment I had dreamt about my entire life, and now it was here! My son was born three days before Father's Day, the perfect timing! Everything was lining up just right.

Did I say Father's Day 2016 was epic? Let me rephrase that. It was an epically bad day.....one of the worst days of my life! When I woke up on Father's Day, I wasn't a father. Just two days prior, Sarah and I lost our son, Asher. In a stretch of just 48 hours, I went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. Instead of spending Father's Day 2016 celebrating the miracle of life, I remember sitting in my typical front-row seat at church, head buried in my hands. Those 60 minutes in that church seat on Father's Day 2016 are some of the most painful and profoundly memorable moments of my life.

As with everything in life, there were only two options: 1) Let our new reality destroy us (which it almost did), or 2) Keep moving forward. We chose to keep moving forward. It was a mess, but with a lot of support and healing, we navigated through that season of life.

Just four months later, we were blessed with our twin sons, Finn and Pax, and life has never been the same. Despite the pain and suffering we've endured, I consider myself so blessed. I have nothing but gratitude, though I'd be lying if I said I don't still feel the pain of that prior loss. It's all part of the story.

Think about your favorite book or movie. I'm willing to bet the protagonist wins in the end. Victory, happiness, love, or defeating the bad guys. The hero always wins....eventually. However, if you open the book to almost any page in the middle, there's struggle, challenge, pain, suffering, and tension. The protagonist is fighting their battles, trying to achieve what will eventually end happily ever after.

While real life isn't "happily ever after," it does resemble a book. Wherever we're at in life, there are still more chapters to be written. Some of you are dealing with tremendous pain and suffering right now. I'm so sorry! But more chapters are still to be written.

I have clients facing unprecedented challenges and tension in their lives (financial and otherwise). I constantly remind them this is just one chapter of a beautiful story. And like all protagonists seeking their victory, this is their middle chapter, tension-building, gut-wrenching moment. This is where they have a choice: 1) Let their new reality destroy them, or 2) Keep moving forward.

Wherever you're at today, choose door #2. Keep moving forward. Remember that whatever you're experiencing in this season of life is just one of many chapters still to be written.

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One Round At a Time

One of my family's favorite traditions is our weekly Saturday morning Northern Vessel runs. We hop into the car, head to the shop, and enjoy coffee as a family. It's one of my favorite traditions, and marks the end of a great week.

Yesterday, we were perched on the front window bench, enjoying the sun on our backs. Noticing we are now stocking a new drink in the fridge, Pax asked if we could buy one for him to try.

"Sure, bud, but you gotta be the one who buys it."

I've been setting the boys up for these types of real-world interactions since they were five. It's scary for them, often uncomfortable. Forcing them to engage with other adults in a transactional or financial setting can be scary for kids.....which is exactly why I create these types of scenarios.

Pax, now eight and having done this enough times to know I wasn't going to relent, responded, "Okay. Do you want me to use cash or the debit card?"

"Whichever one you want."

"I'll try cash this time."

Then, I gave him my usual pep talk:

• Speak loudly

• Communicate clearly

• Be confident

• Use your pleases and thank-you's

Without hesitation (a new and welcomed development), he took the cash, grabbed his beverage, and approached the register. Then, in a fun little twist of fate, he was met by Antonio, one of our newest baristas. Since we aren't a normal coffee shop, Antonio isn't a normal barista. Antonio is a 6'9" undefeated professional heavyweight boxer. He's a beast. Even I can be intimidated by Antonio! To Pax, he might as well have been Ivan Drago.

Pax handled himself like a little champ, though. He was probably a bit intimidated, but just like Rocky, he didn't back down. I was really proud of how Pax navigated the situation, which is undoubtedly the product of having done this countless times over the past three years. One round at a time, as Rocky's trainer would say!

As parents, it's imperative that we place our kids in these types of situations. Yes, it can be scary. Yes, it can be intimidating. Yes, they are going to fail. Yes, it would be easier to do it ourselves. However, these are the types of repetitions that slowly turn our children into thriving adults.

Furthermore, I'm grateful to Antonio for offering such kindness and hospitality to Pax. That was an intimidating situation, and Antonio allowed Pax to work his way through it and come away with satisfaction and confidence. Antonio is the man!

Parents, please don't rob your children of these types of situations. It might seem simple and meaningless, but these little repetitions can mean everything. Our children deserve to learn about how to use and handle money, as well as real-world interactions with other adults. These are small and powerful wins. Force them. Embrace them. Celebrate them.

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Losing Battles, Winning Wars

My boys suffered a heartbreaking loss on the football field on Saturday. It was the final pre-playoffs game of the year, and the kids couldn’t have been more excited. From the get-go, it just wasn’t their day. Their team made decent plays, but couldn’t stop their opponent to save their lives. They were somehow blessed with an opportunity to take the lead late in the game, but conceded a pick-six interception in the final few minutes to seal the defeat. They lost the battle, and it was a painful loss. 

However, I’m not in the battle-winning business. I care more about the war. A single game is a battle. We win some and we lose some. That’s life. My bigger focus was on the war. I want to see the bigger picture, the more life-altering impacts.

Early in the season, Pax would celebrate touchdowns with audacious celebrations, resembling his Madden shenanigans. He’d spike the ball, griddy, or do a group celebration with his teammates. One of my encouragements to him is to handle himself with class and professionalism. “Act like you’ve been there before.” He scored two touchdowns and two two-point conversions during this weekend’s game, but instead of showboating, he casually handed the ball to the ref and hugged his teammates. The war!

Finn isn’t the same type of athlete as Pax. While Pax is constantly in the limelight, Finn struggles to find his place. He hasn’t quite yet figured out his body and how to put the physical pieces together. He lacks confidence. He doubts himself. It doesn’t help having a twin who excels in all things sports. At Finn’s request, he plays all-time defense, stemming from his hesitation to run, catch, or throw a ball. During the first six games of the season, he had just one tackle (i.e. flag pull). However, on this fateful day, the day we experienced a heartbreaking defeat, he had a few monumental moments. He snagged his second tackle of the season, saving a touchdown. Then, on the very next play, he INTERCEPTED a pass in the endzone to create a game-relieving turnover. His confidence is building, and he’s giving it everything he has. The war!

Pax is known to be short-tempered and infuriated by losing. While the outcome of the game was a mess and constantly frustrating, every step of the way, he was encouraging teammates, helping opposing players off the ground, and celebrating other people’s wins. The war!

Yeah, that game sucked. We lost the battle. But it feels like we just might be winning the war. 

Don’t let your battle losses deter you from focusing on the war. So many people I work with are losing battles every day, every week, and every month. Life is kicking hard, and it gets exhausting. Job losses, medical emergencies, car trouble, business stress, house maintenance issues, relational tension. It’s okay to lose battles as long as we keep our eyes focused on the war. Whatever this means to you today (and I have a feeling you know), don’t elevate the battles above the war. It’s okay to lose a hundred battles if we eventually win the war. Keep fighting. 

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When the Stakes Are Lower

We had an emergency in our house yesterday. As the kids were getting ready for their football game, Pax realized his receiver gloves were missing. While he was stunned by this development, I was 0% surprised. He's known to just randomly put things in weird and unconventional places. Each time this occurs, I express the importance of things going in their place and the risk he's creating by being negligent with his decisions.

Yesterday, it bit him. His immediate reaction was that we needed to quickly run to Target to buy new gloves. That wasn't happening. It was nearly time to drive to the game, so there wasn't going to be an emergency run for new gloves.

Further, we weren't going to buy him gloves after the game, either. He made a mistake, and now he gets to experience the consequences. Later in the day, Sarah offered to take him to Target to buy new gloves that HE would pay for with his own money.....$20. Ouch!

He really, really, really wants gloves, but the thought of draining his cash to replace gloves he had just a week ago was too painful for him. I'm glad it was painful! Ultimately, he elected to not purchase the gloves. He will play his final two games without them as he considers his options.

It would have been so simple for us to buy him new gloves. However, doing so would have prevented him from learning a tremendously important lesson. Today, he gets to learn this lesson when the stakes are low instead of later when the stakes are much, much higher. This is such a critical concept for parents to practice. If we continually bail out our children (financially or otherwise), we rob them of experiencing the harsh pain and learning the tough lessons.

Pax is frustrated with himself. He wishes he had carried himself differently. And from now on, hopefully, he will. This $20 lesson at eight will possibly save him from a $20,000 lesson at 28. We need to let our kids fail when the stakes are lower, not protect them from failure today while setting them up to get crushed when the stakes are much higher.

As we play football in the backyard later today, I hope it stings him a little. I hope he remembers that feeling and subsequently grows through it. We'll still have a blast playing, though! That kid is getting good!

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Pushing Through the Pain

My son Pax ran his first 5K this weekend. He carried himself with a combination of excitement and anxiousness in the days leading up to the race. More than anything, he just didn't know what to expect. But as we were mere moments from beginning the race, he was beyond excited.

I told him I would stay by his side every minute of the race. He would set the pace, and I'd stick with him. The opening moments were fantastic.....which lasted all of a half mile. Then, things turned south quickly. I'm not sure he had ever ran more than a half mile in his life, so I was expecting 3.1 miles to break him......and break him it did! His legs hurt. His foot hurt. His lungs hurt. He was facing physical, mental, and emotional demons. He wanted to quit. It was too hard. He wasn't good enough. He wasn't strong enough. He didn't belong there. The self-talk was crushing. There was crying. There was yelling. There was the innocent 8-year-old kid's version of swearing.

My goal was to push him hard enough to step up to the challenge, but not so hard that he'd snap. I would pick out a landmark in the distance and say, "Alright, man, we're going to jog from here to that yellow sign, then we'll walk again. Let's push through the pain." He'd say no a few times, then relent. Then, we'd repeat that cycle all over again.

As we turned the final corner and approached the last tenth of a mile, we could see the finish line. "Pax, I want you to sprint to the finish line with everything you got. Don't leave any gas left in the tank. Just go for it!" And he did! He took off and gave it everything he had. He collapsed to the ground as soon as he crossed the finish line. I couldn't tell if he was happy, sad, angry, or some other emotion. Ultimately, I realized he was just really dang proud of himself. He did something he didn't think was possible. He pushed through the pain, and that was a grander award than any medal he could have received.

Pushing through the pain is one of life's greatest lessons. Success isn't accomplished in the absence of pain. Rather, it's something that happens amidst, in, and through the pain. Pain is inevitable, but it's what we do with the pain that dictates our fate.

This applies to 5Ks, money, work, entrepreneurship, relationships.....everything! Please don't avoid pain. Don't run away from it. Don't hide from it. Pain isn't something to be avoided. It's something to be confronted head-on. When we do, we grow. We win. We prove to ourselves that we can (and should) do things that matter.

I don't know if Pax will ever run a 5K again, but I'm 100% certain he just learned a valuable lesson that will carry with him for decades to come. Push through the pain!

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The Kids Don’t Care

I recently spent time with a couple who are struggling. Both spouses have great jobs, and their combined income is much higher than the average family's. However, they are stressed, burned out, and frustrated with life. Between their jobs and other commitments, they barely have time for their kids. By the time they all get home at night and eat dinner, they're lucky to have 30 minutes with the kids before bedtime. They feel like spectators in their own lives, watching their kids being raised by other people.

I mostly listened, taking it all in. It pained me to hear how discontent they are with their lives. The part about rarely seeing their kids was especially brutal. Then, I asked what seemed like an obvious question to me: "Well, why do you do it?"

"Our kids deserve a good life."

In their opinion, all of this hard work, long hours, stressful weeks, and the amazing income it all provides was worth it because it allowed them to provide their kids with a high standard of living which they "deserved.". This family is checking all the boxes: the house, the cars, the clothes, the trips, the activities, the clubs. Their kids are livin' the life!

My response: "The kids don't care!"

This is a hard pill for most parents to swallow, but the kids don't give a rip about any of it. We may think they do, and they may say things that lead us to believe they do, but they don't! What kids care about is having their parents present. A healthy household, engaging relationships, active discipline, a shoulder to lean on, someone to show them love, and the opportunity to make memories. They don't care about money, stuff, or status.

I've interviewed hundreds of people about their childhood. The feedback I've heard has ranged from "My childhood was a nightmare" to "I had the best childhood in the world." Do you know what doesn't factor into these opinions? Standard of living. Nobody says, "My childhood sucked because we were lower class," and nobody says, "My childhood was great because we were rich." Their standard of living and financial status always come up (because I ask), but there's practically zero correlation between money and childhood happiness.

There is one consistent theme, though. How present and engaged their parents were meant everything. Regardless of wealth or standard of living, kids who had present and engaging parents consistently reflect fondly on their childhoods. Translation: They don't care about money.

If what I just said is true, we parents have a choice to make. We can either continue down the road of "providing a good life," recognizing we're actually doing it for ourselves (and not our kids), or we can choose meaning over money and truly invest in our children. This is a tough pill to swallow for many, but one worth considering.

I'll end with the good news! No matter how much (or little) income you make or wealth you possess, you already have the tools to give your children everything they want!

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Legacy: Digital Footprint Edition

I received an unexpected message from Meaning Over Money co-founder Cole Netten. I was expecting another one of his ridiculous voice memo rants about a particular topic that may or may not make good content (but will most certainly be entertaining!), but it was something much different. He asked if we could record more episodes with him in them. Considering he's very much a behind-the-camera sort of cat, his request surprised me. I'm always down to record content with him, but I was curious about this sudden shift.

He referenced a conversation he and I recently had about my constant and intentional endeavor to create a digital legacy for my children. Someday, I'll be dead. Hopefully, not for a long time, but it's coming soon. When that happens, my kids will be left in this world without me. When I think about my life and my own journey, I don't have a lot of memories or touch points to the past. I've seen a few grainy home videos, giving a small glimpse of what life looked like before I could remember, but there's not much. In some ways, multiple generations are just gone.....poof. That's the circle of life and the limitations of technology, and I get it, but what if there was something we could do about it?

Due to the amazing advances in technology, both physically and in the cloud, we live in a new information world order with unlimited possibilities. We often warn kids: Everything you do will be out there forever! Also, the good news: Everything you do will be out there forever! That's the golden opportunity we all possess. Every single time I create something, whether it be an article, podcast, YouTube video, or book, I think about those who will be left after I'm dead and buried.

If I died today, my kids would be left with 111 hours of podcast content and a half-million words of blog content.....and that's just my own content. It doesn't include YouTube, podcast appearances, guest articles, and the books I've helped write. That content is forever, for better or worse....hopefully better!

With this idea in mind, Cole is going to be joining me on the show more often. We'll get a bit more personal in some of our episodes, pulling back the curtain society tries to make us live behind. I hope it helps people, gives them a different perspective, and provides much-desired encouragement, but I also hope it's a window for my children to understand who their dad was and how he saw the world.

I have a difficult challenge for you today. Consider how you can best leave a digital footprint for those who come after you. Maybe it's starting a YouTube channel, podcast, or a blog. Perhaps it's writing a book, publishing music, or creating art. Or maybe it's something I've never even thought of. Only you know you, but you definitely know you. I challenge you to create something that matters. When you're dead and buried beside me, make sure to leave a beautiful gift for those you love.

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To Kill or Not to Kill….Their Dreams

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" It's one of my favorite questions to ask young people. It's an open-ended, sky's-the-limit type of question. During my ten years as a youth group leader, I asked this question to hundreds of kids (6th through 12th grade). I noticed an interesting trend. The younger kids would give me one solid answer, but the older kids (typically 11th or 12th grade) would give me two answers.

For the younger kids, it's simple and confident: "I want to be an astronaut." "I want to be a vet." "I want to be a chef."

For the upperclassmen, it gets muddy. It morphs into something more like this. "I used to want to be an astronaut, but now I want to _______." "I used to want to be a chef, but now I want to ________." If they want to be the second thing they mentioned, why state the first one? Curious, I always ask them this question.

"The first answer is my real answer, but the second is my practical answer." Ah, now we're getting somewhere. Somewhere along the journey, someone killed their dreams. Someone decided this kid needed to think more practical, safer, and more achievable. Maybe it was their parents, or teachers, or friends, or coaches.....but it was probably the parents. Why? Because a child's foundational confidence comes from his/her parents. If the parents believe in the kid, it's unlikely that external forces will knock them down.

Here's the problem. In our effort to protect our kids from failure, struggle, and disappointment, we methodically kill their dreams as they grow up. After all, we want our kids to succeed. And falling flat on their face over and over and over doesn't feel like winning. Therefore, we steer our kids into safe, practical, and reliable career paths. We want our kids to make enough money to live, ideally more than enough. We want them to have security.

I might take some heat for saying this, but I don't care about any of that. I would rather my kids fail miserably in the pursuit of their dreams and callings and struggle to make enough income along the way than sell their dreams for safety, practicality, and security. If living a meaningful life requires them to face risk, adversity, and pain, I'll cheer all day for that.

I have zero aspirations for my kids to be wealthy or attain status. I aspire for my kids to live the most meaningful life possible.....period. I don't know what that means (yet) for them, but I will never kill their dreams. If one wants to be an astronaut, then I need to figure out how best to support that dream and encourage that journey. If the other wants to be a rocker, then I'll figure out how best to support that as well.

In a world where 70% of Americans dislike or hate their jobs, I'll be so proud if my kids end up in the 30% camp....whatever that looks like. Rich or poor, status or none, always living for meaning.

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Trigger. Trigger. What Is the Trigger?

One of my favorite conversations with young people (under 25 years old) is asking them what they want to do when they're adults, and why. I say under 25 because that's typically when people start allowing their dreams to die.

Every single time, there's a trigger. Something that happened. A story. An event. A set of circumstances. THE trigger. For example, one of my former youth group kids experienced the pain, suffering, and victory over childhood cancer. After spending much of her life in and out of hospitals, she grew up to become a pediatric nurse, serving young kids who are going through similar experiences she went through. Beautiful!

One of my high school classmates experienced two triggers in the same day. When we were kids, he witnessed his grandfather pass away on a plane while flying home from Disney World. He would eventually become a pilot AND an undertaker. A morbid but true story.

When it comes to my own kids, I encourage them to put everything on the table. Anything and everything is a possible dream career. I don't discourage. I don't push. I don't manipulate. I simply expose them to as many things as possible, and know something will eventually trigger them.

This week has been especially fun for me as a parent. Being away from their rhythms and routines, they have a front-row seat to see all sorts of new opportunities. I always wonder what will trigger them. Will it be the musicians they've listened to? Or the singers, dancers, skaters, and divers they watched? Will it be the ship captain or any number of the crew they've interacted with? Will it be the local business owners we encountered on the islands? Will it be something I never even realized? Or, maybe nothing will trigger them.....yet.

The boys want to start a YouTube channel with his brother, performing classic rock songs on their drums and guitar. Cool. I'll help them get it going.

Finn wants to start a mowing business like a local kid who mowed our yard a few times. Amazing. I told him I can help show him when the time is right.

Whatever their eventual triggers are, I will do whatever I can to support, encourage, and cultivate them.....even if it's not something I would have chosen for him. This is a controversial take in our current times, but I won't specifically push my kids to pursue something for the sake of money or status. Instead, I'll encourage meaning 100% of the time. That may or may not include money and status, but pursuing meaning will certainly produce meaning.

My two little men have maybe 70-80 years left on this planet. I want them to spend it pursuing meaning, finding fulfillment, and impacting others. If they make a bunch of money, great. If they earn a ton of status, fine. But I will always encourage them to seek the meaning first, no matter what.

It all starts with a trigger. A trigger I may be part of, but one I may not know about for a long time.

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Adopting the Box

Each year, our family participates in a multi-week church program for families. The goal of the event is to connect families of young children together, share meals together, and serve together. We eat, play games, hear a brief message, and do a service project together with other families. It's become one of my family's favorite events of the year.

A few weeks ago, the night's service project was to go to the grocery store, purchase various food items, and drop them off in a pre-assigned blessing box. If you're not familiar with a blessing box, it's a little stand-alone cabinet that houses non-perishable food items for whoever needs them, no questions asked. If someone needs food, they just need to find a local blessing box and grab whatever they want. These boxes are placed all around the residential areas of town.

Here’s an example of what blessing boxes look like

The boys were excited to shop for the box, which led to an adventure at the grocery store. Each had particular items (personal favorites) they wanted to bless people with, and were excited to deliver the goods to the box they were assigned. When they showed up at the given address, they realized they were coincidentally walking distance from our house. They couldn't believe it, and were beyond excited to be serving people in our own neighborhood.

A few days later, while talking about the experience, Finn asked a peculiar question. "Can that be our box?" "What do you mean, Finn?" asked his confused Mom. "Can we keep filling it and make sure there's always good food in there?"

Oh dang! My little man wants to adopt that box and take ownership of it. Amazing. Yes, yes, yes, we can absolutely do that. It's fun to see the wheels turning. This is why it's so important for us parents to model various forms of generosity, big and small. More is caught than taught, and when we walk out giving with our own hands and feet, the kids feel it.

Here's where this all comes together. As I mentioned in a recent post, the boys have been working hard to earn some money ahead of an upcoming vacation (evidenced by their snow shoveling in -5-degree weather). One of the practices that's a standard in our home is for the boys to give away at least 25% of everything they make. As they were excitedly counting their money the other night, they asked if they could use their giving to buy more food for their box. Again, yes, little man, you can.

Parents, we are raising the literal future leaders of this world. Let's keep going. Keep modeling generosity for them. Even when it doesn't seem like they are listening, they are. Keep fighting the good fight. Let's endeavor to raise leaders who ooze generosity and selflessness. Let's raise leaders who think of others first, and themselves second. I know Sarah and I aren't there yet, but we'll keep fighting the good fight.

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The Microeconomics of Childhood

The response to my recent When the Legs Go Numb post has been overwhelming. I haven't responded to all my e-mails yet, but trust me, I see you! I appreciate that the post struck a nerve and added to many people's parenting journeys. A handful of people had an interesting observation, though. They loved my ideas about paying kids for performance on voluntary projects, but it doesn't work for their kids. Why? Because their kids don't seem to be interested in earning money.

Now, I'm pretty sure their kids are humans......highly likely! If so, their kids DO have wants, and if that's true, they ARE interested in money (or at least what money can provide). It's not a want problem; it's a microeconomics problem. It's simple supply and demand. We'll call it the microeconomics of childhood.

Let's say you're practicing the very principles I talk about. Don't pay your kids an allowance. Offer them projects to complete in exchange for performance-based compensation. They work, get rewarded, and use said reward to spend/save/give. Cause and effect. Input and output. All is good with the world.

Back to the issue. Many people's kids aren't motivated by money. They don't seem to care. They would rather not work than earn compensation through work. Here's the next question I ask them: Do you regularly buy things for your kids that they want? "Well, yeah, of course!" "Usually." "If we're having a good month, yeah."

This is the microeconomics issue. When we regularly purchase wants for our kids, the supply of money in their lives is high. They may not physically possess the money, but they have access to the money they need to get the things they want. Therefore, the demand for work is low.

I think it's important we parents flip that around. We need to lower the supply of money in our children's lives, thereby increasing the demand for money (i.e. the desire to work). Here's what it looks like in my house:

"Dad, I want a ______."

"That's awesome, bud! Do you have money to buy it?"

"No, I only have $5."

"That's too bad. But if you want to make some money, we have lots of projects you can do."

Pax worked so hard to buy this RC car!

This has happened countless times, occasionally accompanied by tears. If my kids want something badly, I don't want to demean or disrespect that want. Rather, I harness it to encourage the healthy behaviors that result in them earning the money to buy said want. The supply of money is low, creating a higher demand for work.

We're taking a family vacation soon, and my kids know it's their responsibility to have money for souvenirs. As such, They've been working their butts off. It's not because they are the most perfect kids. Had we told them we would buy them whatever they wanted on the trip, their desire to work would be zapped.

So, next time you get frustrated that your kids aren't responding to work the way you had hoped, inspect the microeconomics of childhood in your house. The answer probably lies somewhere in that department.

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When the Legs Go Numb

We had our first big snowstorm of the season in the Midwest this week. So much so that it caused school to get canceled one day and delayed the next. The boys were excited, but for more reasons than one. In addition to skipping school, they were excited to shovel the driveway and sidewalks. Not only was it snowy, but it was cold; negative five degrees cold. Despite that, the boys spent nearly an hour outside before their delayed school day started, shoveling away. It was fun to see a couple second graders out there putting in the grind. At one point, Finn came in, claiming his legs were going numb. I encouraged him to come inside to warm up for a bit, and then continue his good work.

They were proud of themselves, and I was proud of them, too. They were also excited to make some money. They didn’t know how much it would be, but they knew it would probably be good. 

I don’t believe in allowances. From a behavioral science perspective, allowances teach kids they are entitled to something. That’s not how the world works, though. Earning money requires work. Hard work. Sometimes undesirable work. 

Here’s how it works in our house, and how I teach it to hundreds of parents. My kids have responsibilities in the house because they are members of the family. Put their laundry away, throw their clothes in the hamper, take their dishes to the sink, change the trash. Normal stuff. They don’t get paid for these tasks, but they are expected to step up and do so without complaining.  

Then, there are always opportunities to take on projects for pay. Mow the yard, shovel the snow, rake the leaves, clean the garage, etc. Each project is accompanied by compensation, but they don’t know how much until they are done. 

This next part is important. They NEVER get paid by the hour. They get paid for performance. If they crush a task, they get paid as such. If they mail it in, their pay reflects that as well. I don’t care how long it takes. I care about effort and excellence. 

They each made $20 for shoveling. I could have paid them less….far less. But I’m not paying for second graders to shovel. I’m paying to have the sidewalk shoveled, period. We shouldn’t train our kids to expect crappy pay because they are young. We should train our kids that excellence is rewarded and a lack thereof is not. 

It’s not perfect. They still gripe at times. Their laziness pokes its head out once in a while. But it’s a journey. I have another 10 years to train them up before the world will test them and push them. My job is to prepare them, not coddle them. I’m proud of those two little men. One day, one project, one failure, one win at a time. 

Keep fighting, parents! Whether you have 13 years or 13 months left before they leave the nest, there's still amazing work to be done....and you're the perfect person to show them the way.

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