Something From Everyone

A young guy recently reached out to me, more than twenty years my junior. He was dealing with some heavy stuff, and he asked me to share insights from my experience with similar trials. In other words, he was looking to get something from me. That's how the conversation started, anyway.

Fast forward nearly an hour, and I ultimately felt like I got just as much (or more) from him than he received from me. What he lacked in age and experience, he made up for in perspective and attitude. I was humbled by his approach to these weighty topics, and I found myself leaning into his words.

I've been thinking about that conversation a lot. It's wild that the words of a young man approximately half my age stuck with me and challenged me to think about things differently. That's a wild concept. In some ways, it reminds me of an extraordinarily intense scene from the movie Good Will Hunting. Matt Damon plays a wily young man who's loaded with potential but rife with emotional baggage and anger issues. Robin Williams plays the role of a seasoned counselor, brought in to shepherd Matt Damon's character along the journey in hopes of a better tomorrow.

In an unexpected twist, the troubled young man unexpectedly unlocked something powerful and beautiful in the wise old man. We can get something from everyone. It doesn't matter who we are or who they are. I think we forget that more times than not. Perhaps we would all be better off if we embrace those conversations as two-way streets rather than narrow one-ways.

Grateful for my young friend.

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Full-Circle

I recently ran into a former youth group kid. I hadn't seen her since high school graduation seven years ago. She's not on social media, so we more or less lost touch over the years. I asked her what she's up to in life. "I'm an XYZ and work at ABC!!!"

I was shocked at her answer, remembering that when she was just 15 years old, she shared with me that her dream was to one day be an XYZ and work at ABC. It's so rare that we grow up and into the career of our dreams. I was extremely curious at this point, so I asked for more info. How did this happen?!?!

That's when she shared something that caught me totally off guard. I'm going to quote her, but please keep in mind it's my best job at paraphrasing since I don't remember her exact words:

"I remember when I was a sophomore, you told me to pursue my calling no matter what other people said I should do. If I am called to do something, I should give it everything I have. So I did!"

Oh, wow. I don't even remember that conversation, but it sounds like something I would say. Then, I asked her if she received pushback along the way. Everyone, including some of her closest friends and family, told her that her dream career was "dumb" and "unrealistic." People called her naive, citing, "Dreams don't pay the bills."

Then, she did it. She shared stories of challenges, doubts, and failures along the way. She often thought about giving up, remembering all the naysayers' comments. But she persevered, and today, she's living her dream.

I hope she shares that story often. There's so much hope, encouragement, and beauty in hearing those types of stories. Those are the types of stories that can propel us in a weak moment. Those are the types of stories that remind us of why we are doing what we're doing, and what's possible when the world says it's not.

One of the best full-circle moments I've had in a while. Proud of my friend and the life she's living. I hope you feel similar about your own journey. If so, props to you for staying true to the calling. If not, today's a great day to get back on the track you know you're meant to be on.

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Getting Back Into His Cage

Note: This is a sensitive story, but fortunately for countless readers, I've been granted permission to share it here.

A man asked to meet with me. Mid-40s. Married. Three children. Above-average household income. Average house. Pretty standard lifestyle: not too bougie, but also not perceived as frugal.

Here's the short version of the situation. He's beyond stressed. Finances are causing tremendous friction in his marriage. His wife wants to stay home with the kids, but they can't make it work. He's embarrassed. He feels like a failure. He's miserable. He hates his job. He wakes up each day dreading what's about to happen. He can't leave, though, as his current income exceeds other known options. His mental health is eroding quickly. Dark thoughts are starting to seep in. His breaking point might be approaching.

As our conversation progressed, I started asking him probing questions to identify the true stress points. For several minutes, nothing he said alarmed me.....all normal stuff. Then, we found it.

"Tell me about the vehicles. Do you have any vehicle debt?"

"My truck payment is around $1,300, and my wife's SUV is $800 per month."

There it is! $2,100 per month on vehicle payments alone. All of this pain, suffering, misery, and struggle, only to boil it down to a few key decisions. I challenged him on these decisions.

"Our vehicles aren't nearly as nice as some of our friends and family."

"I'm a truck guy. I can't help that I like nice trucks."

"I want my wife to be safe. We need something reliable."

I have a rhetorical question for you. Do you believe the three sentiments above merit wrecking one's entire life, marriage, financial structure, and mental health? The answer is a resounding NO!!! Of course it's not, but millions of Americans live in this reality daily.

Everything he and his wife have ever dreamed of lives on the other side of these vehicles. These vehicles are cages! They've been snared in the trap. They unknowingly locked themselves in a life they don't want to live. The cage might not have metal bars, but it might as well. I made my case for a different set of decisions, trying to illuminate what an alternate reality could look like: their dream life. However, it requires them to destroy the cages.

After the meeting, I walked outside with him, shook his hand, and watched him get back into his cage. I gotta admit, it was a pretty sweet truck. Clean, fresh wax, enormous in stature. But a cage, nonetheless.

We all have cages. It might not look like a truck, but it's something. My challenge to you today is to look at yourself in the mirror and identify your cage. Something that is (or could) hold you back from living the life you deserve to live. It's an uncomfortable exercise, and not always as obvious as it seems. I've had my share of cages over the years, and I suspect you do, too.

Smash the cage.

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Of Course She Did!!!!!!!

I received the coolest e-mail from a blog reader yesterday! This is someone I've never met before, and it was the first time she's ever reached out to me. Her message referred to the "Of Course You Did" post that received unprecedented hate and criticism.

This woman said she felt convicted about the post, specifically noting one excerpt from the piece: "Generosity should have no limits. If I walk out of the grocery store with a bunch of food and encounter someone on the way to my car who needs it more than I do, I give it. Period. No questions asked. That's how life ought to be lived. No rules. No exceptions. No buts. No justifications. No excuses. Generosity always wins."

This woman said she always reads the blog in the morning and sometimes finds herself thinking about it as she goes abouther day. Well, on that particular day, she made a routine grocery run, approximately $250 worth of food. As she drove home (with her grocery haul in the trunk), she thought about that morning's post. That's when an idea struck her!

She turned her car around, and instead of driving home, she drove to a friend's house. One of her church friends is a single mom who recently got her hours cut at work. Resources were limited, and the stress was starting to rise. She unexpectedly pulled up to her friend's house, knocked on the door, and delivered her entire grocery haul to a shocked and grateful friend.

Of course she did!

Neither one of those women will ever forget about that moment. Multiple lives were probably changed that day. No, $250 worth of groceries won't singlehandedly change the world, but in a way, it can. Those little moments in time have a way of sticking with people, both receiver and giver. The ripple effects of this exchange might persist for years (or decades!).

We all have a role to play, and that role is to perpetuate a different kind of culture; a culture where everyone gives freely, joyfully, and sacrificially. No rules. No exceptions. No buts. No justifications. No excuses. Generosity always wins.

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Embracing Seasons

This weekend kicked off a new season for my family. On Saturday, the boys had their last practice before their lacrosse games begin. Then, on Sunday morning, they had their first flag football game of the year. Lastly, on Sunday afternoon, they had their first public performance with their new classic punk band at a local watering hole.

It's busier than we prefer, but we're going to embrace the season for what it is. Challenges will most certainly come, but so too will the blessings. I think a lot about life in terms of seasons. Seasons come and go, each presenting its own set of challenges and blessings.

From age 23 through 28, I eagerly engaged in a season of building my career. It was brutally challenging, but oh so fulfilling. I started as a naive kid, and ended up a little less naive and a little less kid.

From age 28 to 32 was the season of paying off our debt. Sarah and I had $236,000 of debt that dictated several of our life decisions, and we were committed to never letting that happen again. It was probably one of the most challenging seasons of our lives, but looking back, one of the most fulfilling (and impactful).

The age 32-38 season was when my career took off in a big way, while we simultaneously worked through the adoption process to begin our family. This is the season where we experienced the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. I spent much time in Asia and the Middle East, so many doors were unlocked for us, we found our people, we lost a son, we were blessed with twin baby boys, and we lost twin baby girls. So much beauty, so much pain.

The age 38-43 season was the most financially challenging season, with our family taking a 90% pay cut for me to start my career over and rebuild a new life.

In the midst of that, the age 41-45 season included the birth and ramp-up of Northern Vessel, which has unexpectedly become one of the greatest joys and blessings of my life. I never saw that coming, but I'm grateful for every bit of it.

As I reflect on each of those seasons, I can't help but think about how much pain, suffering, and turmoil each brought me. At the same time, however, when I embraced each for what it was, while also understanding it would eventually evolve into a different season, I was able to embrace it. I didn't always get it right, but the name of the game always felt like "seize the moment."

Whatever season you're in, whether awesome or painful, always remember three things:

• This season will eventually pass.

• You have the ability to seize it for whatever it is.

• Regardless of the pain, good WILL come from it. You might not see it now, but one day, it will be obvious how much good came from it.

Embrace the season.....every season. It's one of those things that makes life so difficult, but also so beautiful.

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Manhood

I stumbled upon something mind-boggling last night. According to a recent survey, 86% of men say that being a financial provider defines manhood. Just as scary, 77% of women agree. Nearly 9 out of 10 men, and nearly 8 out of 10 women, define manhood by a man's ability to financially provide.

While I 100% agree that one of a man's key roles should be to financially provide, it's most certainly not THE defining factor. Rather, it's A factor. The fact that we use dollar signs to place identity on men isn't news to me, but it's always disheartening.

This cultural pressure and false identity have swept men into a twisted reality where they must pursue more income at all costs. And by all costs, I mean at the expense of their role as husband, father, friend, and community member. We've told men that the only thing that matters is how much money they can bring into the household and the standard of living it can create.

Consequences of such toxic perspectives include rapidly declining mental health, broken marriages, absent parenting, miserable work, poor decisions, and severe health conditions. I'm not sure if you see this, but at scale, men are suffering in silence. They are hurting, but staying quiet. There's a quiet brokennes erupting all around us. I've been watching this unfold for years, and it's escalating.

So, what's the alternative? Completely disregard money and excuse men from their responsibility to financially provide? No way! Yes, let's financially provide for ourselves and our families. At the same time, we need to step up and be the best husband, father, friend, and community member we can be. Those things are tremendously valuable, and shouldn't be overlooked or disregarded.

I think about my friend I wrote about yesterday, who provides for his family in so many ways. His value is not measured in dollars. Yes, he provides financially, but he does so much more (as does his amazing wife). That's what makes them a special couple. It's not about a singular trait or role. They don't pigeonhole themselves into these made-up values or superficial measuring sticks.

Whether man or woman, your value doesn't come from dollar signs. It doesn't come from the house you live in, the car you drive, the school you send your kids to, the destinations of your vacations, the clothes you wear, or the professional titles you carry. You're valuable because you're a child of God....period. You're valuable....period. The rest is just noise.

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When Backwards Is Forward

Several months ago, one of my clients made a counter-cultural move. With small children at home, the husband intentionally took a different job. No, that's not counter-cultural. What's counter-cultural is the fact that he willingly and knowingly took a $10,000 pay cut. We're not talking about someone who makes huge money and then makes huge money minus $10,000. I'm talking about someone who makes a normal income, where there's not a ton of margin each month, who now makes a normal amount of money minus $10,000. See, counter-cultural.

When he walked into the room for our coaching meeting, he seemed light as a feather. He had a little extra pep in his step. He and his wife seemed like their marriage was as good as ever. He looked sincerely happy! However, I had to ask him the question: "Do you ever wonder if you should have stayed at the old job?"

"No, not a single doubt!" he said with a massive grin. I couldn't have loved it more!

Society says he's going backwards, but in the world of meaning over money, that dude just won the jackpot! He's living with so much joy, purpose, and fulfillment. Sure, he's making $10,000 less per year than he was, but that was the best $10,000 he ever spent!

His wife agrees. She also beams when talking about his new job and how it's made their lives better. She's proud of him and so happy that he's living his best life right now. One could say that his decision "hurt" his family, but she would vehemently reject that. They are better than ever, and it's not even close.

I've so often watched friends around me sabotage their lives for an increase in income. They left jobs they loved to take jobs that paid more. Over and over and over, I watch regret set in. Sure, the extra income feels really cool for a while; there's no denying that. However, once the dust settles and that new income just becomes normal, they have to reckon with the reality that they wake up each day with less enthusiasm, excitement, and purpose than they used to. To me, that's tragic.

Don't let our culture convince you that the definition of winning in your career is more income. Sure, there might be more income. More income might be the byproduct of your excellent work. However, more income in and of itself isn't winning. Pursue the meaning. Pursue the purpose. Pursue the life you never want to leave. That's the real definition of winning.

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It Cuts Both Ways

Whenever we think about budgeting, we tend to view it through the lens of "spend less." Sure, sometimes that can be true, but that's not the true intent of budgeting. At its best, budgeting is far less about spending less and more about spending better. It's creating a plan, executing said plan, and tracking how we did with said plan.

However, it always seems to come back to the idea that spending less is a win and spending more is a fail. I couldn't disagree more with this sentiment. If a client comes in $1,000 under budget, I tell them they failed. Why? Because they didn't honor their plan. If the plan is to spend $x, they need to spend $x. Therefore, my gauge of how successful someone is with their budget is how close they came to zero. I'd rather someone overspend on their budget by $200 than underspend by $1,000. It's like darts: the closest to the center wins.

Here's how it looks in my household. Last weekend, Sarah asked if we should go out to eat. "Let's look at the budget and find out," I replied. It turns out, for whatever reason, we still had $125 left in our dining out budget for the month. "Let's go out to eat tonight AND tomorrow!" That was great news for us, and the boys were doubly excited.

This is what it looks like to honor a budget. It's not about spending less; it's about spending better. If we negotiate that we are going to spend a certain amount on dining out, then we owe it to ourselves to make good on that promise. We can't blow past that amount, but we also can't fall way short of that amount, either.

It cuts both ways! Think about this idea next month as you create your monthly budget and attempt to execute the plan. Please don't look at your budget as some legalistic, fun-stealing rain cloud that hovers over your life, telling you "no." Instead, use it as the mechanism to bring your goals, aspirations, and motives to life......then live accordingly.

I promise you, if you commit to viewing your money through this it-cuts-both-ways lens, it will change your relationship with personal finance forever.

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A Packed House

We celebrated the life and mourned the passing of my friend Chuck yesterday. It was one of the most beautiful services I've ever attended.

Typically, large funeral services are reserved for the young, the tragic, and dignitaries. At nearly 70 years old, my friend Chuck was none of those. However, as Sarah and I walked into the sanctuary, we were met with a packed house. I don't mean to sound hyperbolic, but attendance was closer to 1,000 than not. Anyone and everyone was there. As I scanned the crowd, I saw so many people that I never would have guessed even knew Chuck. People from all different areas of my life, gathering for a common purpose: To honor, celebrate, and say goodbye to an amazing man.

The irony of yesterday's service is that Chuck never lived in the spotlight. He was best known for his behind-the-scenes work, or, as I often think of it, leading from behind. He was the epitome of humility and God-honoring integrity, modeling it in every area of his life. One of the biggest lessons I've ever learned from him is that you don't need to be the loudest voice to make an impact. All that's required of us is to use whatever we have to serve those around us.

For Chuck, impact was the result of one conversation, one interaction, one act of service, one relationship at a time. For decades, he quietly moved the needle in people's lives. The result? Thousands of people mourn his loss. Thousands of people celebrate having known him. Thousands of people are better off for having learned from him. Thousands of people laugh as they share stories about him.

Chuck taught me one more thing yesterday. I want to live a life that warrants a packed house. I want to use whatever I have to serve others well. I want to live with humility and know that moving the needle in small ways can yield a large impact. I won't soon forget what I saw and experienced yesterday, and that's a great thing.

Chuck, you will be missed. Chuck, you will be remembered. Chuck, we will continue to share stories and laugh. Chuck, your impact will be felt for generations. Well done, good and faithful servant.

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Presents vs. Presence

One of my good friends, a sincerely good man, is facing a quandary. He doesn't see it that way, but I do. Here's the short version of the story. He's in the midst of a multi-year work assignment that's crushing him. 80-hour weeks, endless travel, and a stress level that boggles the mind. But does he enjoy the work or find meaning in it? Nope, none whatsoever. Well, then, why in the world is he subjecting himself (and his family) to this ongoing reality?

"I want to be able to give my kids ______." His tone immediately shifted from work and back to his kids. He wants to provide his kids with the good life. Material possessions, a high standard of living, and story-worthy trips. He wants his kids to have the childhood he never had. In other words, he wants to take society's idealized version of the American dream and transplant it into his kids.

After much ranting, he asked me what I thought about the topic (knowing that I have these kinds of conversations with people every day). "Your kids want presence, not presents."

I'm sorry, parents, but your kids don't give a crap about the material trappings of this world. They may say things that lead you to believe they do, but ultimately, they just want you present in their lives. Period.

As a culture, we need to start asking ourselves what's really important. Do we really want to train our children to believe that the be-all and end-all is money, stuff, and status? People's immediate reaction to that question is probably, "Of course not, idiot!" However, if those same people were to look in the mirror and ask themselves what their actions are saying (and modeling to their kids), they might be communicating a different message than desired.

I recently turned down a ridiculous financial windfall. It was an opportunity to do really cool work for a LOT of money. It was flattering. My ego kinda enjoyed it. It sounded sexy. A tiny materialistic piece of me desperately wanted to say yes. The answer was a resounding "no." Presence over presents. I can't allow myself to deviate from the mission, and one of those missions is to be a present and engaged father.

Everyone is dealing with their own realities and situations. Nothing is simple. Nothing is black-and-white. You might face financial pressures. You might feel the tension. Other considerations might be in play. Regardless of where you're at and what's on the table for you, if you're a parent, please don't believe the lie that presents are more important than presence. Presence will win every single time.

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The Perils of Mental Segregation

About six years ago, one of my close friends asked me for some high-level financial advice. As they explained the structure of their household finances, the wife said, "His income is used to pay the bills, and my income is used for travel and fun stuff."

This is the world's biggest red flag in my book. Whenever we start attributing specific purposes to specific income streams, we've set ourselves up to fail (both financially and relationally). No, his income isn't used to pay the bills. No, her income isn't used for travel and fun. Their collective income is used to pay the bills, travel, and do fun things.

Now, you might say that I'm parsing words here, but please track with me for a second. What happens if he loses his job or takes a meaningful pay cut? The weight of keeping the household afloat rests solely on his shoulders. Conversely, what if she loses her job or takes a meaningful pay cut? The weight of the family's financial enjoyment rests solely on her shoulders.

There's one more factor at play. What if she one day desires to stay at home with her kids? They both brushed off that notion, definitively stating that it would never happen. Can you guess where this story is going? Recently, she decided that she has a deep desire to stay at home with their young children. Unfortunately, they never recalibrated their perspective on income allocation, and they are in a bind.

If she quits her job, all wants will be wiped from their budget. Why? "His income is used to pay the bills, and my income is used for travel and fun stuff." They've maintained that mindset up to the present, and it's biting them hard. At some point in the journey, it also transcends from a mindset to an actual reality. If they believe his income is used to pay for the bills (which they have), then they will structure their basic needs to run all the way up to his income. Therefore, there's little margin remaining to absorb the wants if her income decreases.

Tension. Fighting. Tears. Broken dreams. Talks of the D-word. They are in such a tough spot right now, all for something that could have been righted years ago. They specifically asked if I would write about this so "at least some good might come from it." Request granted.

Where do they go from here? In my mind, they have two paths:

1. She gives up her dream and calling. This option sucks.

2. They completely recalibrate their view of income. From now on, all there is is money in and money out. "Our income, our expenses." Then, they must make some major sacrifices to free up cashflow on their basic needs (to allow at least a marginal level of wants). This option sucks, too, but they will one day look back and thank their younger selves for doing it.

Please heed their cautionary tale. Any time you find yourself thinking something along the lines of "this income will be used for _____," you're barking up the wrong tree. Instead, add that income to the pot, then make a holistic decision for the entire pot that's best for the family.

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Tell the Others

One of my friends recently reached out to me. It was an unexpected, but fun conversation. In short, this individual wanted to thank me for being such a strong advocate for their business. Contextually, this person said I'm responsible for them making "hundreds of thousands of dollars over the years" (a fact I wasn't previously aware of). After a huge statement of gratitude was made, they added the following: "We feel bad that you haven't made anything from all of this. You deserve so much, and haven't received a thing in return for all you've done."

They couldn't be more wrong. They don't realize it, but I've received so much from them. No, not actual compensation. Not financial rewards. Not some tangible signal that I've done something. Rather, I've received an even better reward. The people I care about have been served well, with excellence, and their lives are better for having been introduced to this amazing business. That IS the reward.

That's what makes the relentless pursuit of excellence so powerful. Ultimately, people don't want to "support small business." They want to be served excellently, and if it happens to be from a small business, great! When push comes to shove, people are agnostic with their own money and patronage. They'll spout platitudes on social media about "supporting small" and "supporting local," but their money eventually gravitates toward excellence.

Is it true my friend has made hundreds of thousands of dollars from my advocacy? I'll take them at their word that it's true. That's not my fault, nor do I deserve credit. Their excellence deserves the credit. Their excellence drew me in, then their continued excellence caused me to tell the people in my life about them. That's how excellence works: it spreads, it multiplies, it overpowers everything else.

People don't need compensation to be advocates of excellence. Watching their people receive excellence IS the reward. We shouldn't need to be guilted into patronizing businesses. We shouldn't feel bad about spending money at national companies. What should (and does) make us feel like crap is spending our hard-earned money on companies that don't practice excellence (whether the smallest of small businesses or the largest of large).

Here's my challenge for you today. If you've found excellence in your life (excellent services, excellent products, excellent brands, excellent restaurants, etc.), tell the others. Let people know about your discovery. The most selfish thing we can do is keep the good news to ourselves, and the most generous thing we can do is tell the others. Therefore, tell the others!

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Simplify, Simplify, Simplify

One of the biggest myths in the personal finance space is the idea that in order to be financially successful, one must have sophisticated or complex finances. In most cases, the opposite is true. Simple wins.

I recently sat down with a couple to help them understand their financial structure. However, it took me a while to understand it before I could even help them understand it. Money was coming and going every which way, and they had bank accounts coming out of their ears. They practically needed a treasure map to adequately interpret the lay of the land.

When I explained to this couple how I structure my personal finances and how I coach other families to do it, they looked shocked. How in the world can it be that simple?!?! After having a similar conversation with two more people yesterday, I thought I'd share it with a wider audience. Want to know just how simple this can be? I'll show you the base structure for day-to-day finances that works fantastically for most couples:

• ONE Joint Checking Account. This is the account to which all income flows in, and all expenses flow out. Each person has a debit card tied to this checking account.

• ONE Emergency Fund. This is a savings account tied to the above checking account. The purpose of this money is to save us in the event of an emergency. It may not earn much interest, but the money can be accessed at a moment's notice, when life punches.

• Sinking Funds. A few named savings accounts are used to save for specific categories. Car, house, travel, and medical are common categories. These are future expenditures that cannot always be absorbed via the monthly budget (such as the $1,600 car repair bill I experienced yesterday). Sinking funds can be housed at the same institution as the two accounts above, but they don't have to be.

That's it. Seriously, if all you have are those accounts, you're positioned to be more successful than 90% of people out there. It's the introduction of credit cards, multiple checking accounts, and random, unpurposeful savings accounts that complicate things. In my professional experience, every layer of complexity that gets stripped away brings people closer to their money.....and ultimately, their goals.

I suspect I'll take some heat for this one, but after working with hundreds of families and diving into the behavioral science of these concepts, I'll die on this hill. Simplify, simplify, simplify. There's no way to outsmart simple. When we spend less time thinking about what goes where and more time on trying to live a meaningful life, the finances become the easiest thing in the world.

You don't have to fully buy into this idea, but I challenge you to simplify one thing in your finances this month. If it makes your life better or easier, simplify one more next month. Repeat. I don't think you'll regret it.

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Don’t Wait

One of our close friends has been sick. Due to life's many circumstances, we haven't seen them much in the past year. Then, as a result of my neck/cognitive injury, it felt like two months of my life were stripped away from me. Recently, while I was out of state for work, I learned that my friend's condition had worsened. I was excited to connect with my friend upon my return.

Yesterday's plan was to spend time with my kids at Northern Vessel, then text my friend to see if we could come visit later in the day. However, while sitting with my kids at NV, I was stunned by the news that my friend had passed away. I sat there, stunned. Sarah broke out in tears. I tried to keep my composure for the kids, but the truth is, I felt broken.

It's well-documented on this blog over the years that I have one specific fear in life: regret. Above all other things, I fear regret. I'm not sure there's any other way to say this, but I'm probably going to take this regret to the grave with me. This one feels soul-crushing.

Yes, life happens. Yes, tragedy lurks around every corner. Yes, circumstances in and around our lives make things complicated. Yes, we're all too busy. All that is true, but don't wait. Never wait. I waited. I waited too long. I will forever carry that one with me.

Despite the gut-wrenching regret I feel, a new season is upon us. Self-loathing won't cut it. A pity party does no good. I have a friend who just lost the love of her life. My prayer is that she is loved and cared for, and that I can be the friend she deserves.

There is much to say about my friend and the legacy he leaves behind, but that shall wait for a future, more celebratory post. He lived a beautiful, God-honoring life, and while I wish I had said goodbye face-to-face, I hope he knows just how much he impacted me over these past 15 years.

Don't wait. Please don't wait.

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Ridiculous or Not

One of my friends caught wind of something "ridiculous" my wife spent money on. I'm not sure whether he heard it from his wife or from me, but he's right: Sarah's purchase did fall into my definition of "ridiculous."

"Why would you let her spend money on x thing that you don't even agree with? I would have just said no."

Are any spouses seething yet? Good, let the anger soak in for a moment.

Here was my two-fold response:

First, I don't "let" her do anything. Our financial decisions are joint, and she has just as much say as I do. I don't give her an allowance like a child. She negotiates for what she believes is important when we construct our monthly budget.

Which brings me to my second point. If it's important to her, it's important to me......period. Even if I think something is ridiculous (and I often do with Sarah!), that doesn't matter. If it moves the needle for her, I must support her in that. Therefore, when it's important to her, it's important to me. Something fun happens when we take that posture: It gets reciprocated. I promise I spend money on things that Sarah thinks are absolutely ridiculous, too. But just like me, she supports my ridiculousness because it's important to me.

Yes, we should have financial unity in marriage. I'll 100% die on that hill. It's critical to a successful marriage and to successful household finances. That doesn't mean both spouses will value every expenditure equally. Some expenditures will be more your thing, and others will be more your partner's thing. That's okay! That's what makes you a team, and that's what it looks like to sacrifice for each other.

So, yes, I suspect Sarah will continue to desire "ridiculous" purchases. I'll support her every step of the way. If it's important to her, it's important to me.

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Allergic to Numbers

Allergies are common in today's society. Some people are allergic to food. Some people are allergic to pollen. Some people are allergic to medications. My wife, Sarah, is allergic to numbers. Strange, I know! If it involves numbers, counting, dollars, or math, she's out. She's been this way since the day I met her, and I suspect will be the same until the day she dies.

Yesterday, I received the following text from her:

That's right. Numbers. Math. Dollars. This text was her first communication for the negotiation of March's budget. Each month, for the last 200 months, Sarah and I have negotiated a budget for our household. Yes, she's allergic to numbers, but that doesn't exclude her from the process. Yes, I make 99% of our family's income, but that doesn't exclude her from the process. Yes, I'm a professional in this area, but that doesn't exclude her from the process.

I create a draft budget, she reviews it, she provides initial feedback, and then we negotiate. Once the budget is final, we both commit to honoring said budget until the completion of the month. Then, we do it again next month. This is what a team looks like. We each have roles in the process, but we both must be accountable and engaged.

One of my clients recently said they have no idea how they even lived their lives before budgeting became a fixture in their marriage. That resonated with me. If it weren't for Sarah and I's discipline in this area of our lives, there's zero chance we'd be anywhere close to where we are now. Frankly, I'm not sure we'd even have a marriage. The tension that finances have on marriages is massive. In fact, financial tension is the number one cause of divorce in America. That's wild....and sad! My running joke (not joke) with clients is that "Sarah and I have enough issues that we can't afford money to be one of them."

How long does it take me to create the first draft of the budget? Probably 10 minutes. How long does it take for Sarah and me to negotiate the final budget? Probably another 10 minutes. How long does it take me to track our budget each month? Probably 30-40 total minutes throughout the month. Therefore, approximately 60 minutes per month is the difference between living in constant tension, friction, and unknown vs. watching all our dreams come true, with unity.

It's a small price to pay for unquestionable, uncapped upside.

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Master Mechanic

I was talking to one of our Northern Vessel baristas yesterday morning when the topic of income taxes on tips came up. I gave her a short answer, then added, "But you should definitely ask your tax professional about this."

Her: ............

Me: "You don't have a trusted tax professional?"

Her: "No, I just do my own taxes. I always have."

Me: "Why don't you have someone you trust?"

Her: "I don't want to throw away $300 for something I can just do myself."

Me: "Would you swap out the engine in your car yourself to save a few hundred bucks?"

Her (tongue in cheek): "Of course!"

This is a hot take, and one I share often, but I don't believe any American should be doing their own taxes. Unless we have professional experience as a tax accountant, I think every single person should have a trusted tax professional in their camp.

Yes, it's going to cost some money. Let's say it costs a few hundred bucks. I would argue that you'll experience far more upside than what it costs. At worst, you have someone in your corner if/when the IRS comes knocking. At best, your trusted professional will help save you thousands of dollars on nuances you never even thought about.

To be clear, I'm not talking about walking into a brick-and-mortar tax shop in early April for 60 minutes to have someone crank out your tax return. I'm talking about a true professional that you can build a relationship with over time. Someone who is available to contact during the year when you have life changes. Someone who will help you make decisions BEFORE the year ends to best take advantage of any tax benefits. Someone who will explain changes in the tax code. Someone who can answer all your dumb questions to make this ridiculous tax code more approachable. Someone who will look out for your best interest 12 months of the year, not just on a singular day.

Sure, I could try to save a few hundred bucks by replacing the engine in my car myself. However, I'd probably end up royally screwing something up, ultimately costing me far more than it would have had I just paid an expert to help me in the first place. I'm not a master mechanic, though, and I don't play one on TV. The same goes for taxes. I'm not an expert, and I'll never claim to be. That's why I have someone I trust to walk alongside me to ensure I maximize that area of my life. Trust me, it's so worth having!

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A Little Accountability Goes a Long Way

One of my clients was having a heck of a time. Over and over and over again, it seemed like circumstances were stackedagainst them. A misfortune here, some bad luck there. As they described it, this was a recurring theme for the entirety oftheir adult lives. Simply put, they were the victims of bad luck and unfortunate circumstances.

However, there seemed to be a continuous theme for each of these seasons of life: them. At some point, as circumstances continue to repeat themselves, we need to look in the mirror and ask ourselves if perhaps we're part of the problem. In this couple's situation, it was obvious to me (but not to them) that perhaps their decisions (or lack thereof) were fueling the madness.

At the heart and soul of the issues, there wasn't much accountability around their finances. Everything felt reactive and chaotic, shooting from the hip. You don't need to be a subject-matter expert to know that's a terrible way to approach money.

The solution? Create accountability from the rubble of chaos. To their credit, they were willing to entertain my ideas for a while. Here's how we intentionally created accountability in an arena where it had not previously existed:

• At the end of each month, they would write down the balances of all their financial accounts and debts. How much did they have, and how much did they owe? Every single month.

• Every single month, they negotiated a budget and endeavored to follow it. Not a sucky budget where they weren't allowed to spend on things they cared about, but a budget that specifically gave them margin to do what they felt was important to them.

• They got rid of the credit cards and streamlined everything to only their joint checking account. Every dollar came into that account, and every dollar left from that account. No side quests.

• Speaking of every dollar, every single dollar of income, regardless of the source, was included in the plan. Thisincluded gifts, bonuses, tax refunds, etc.

• Each month, they reviewed how they did. They were forced to inspect their mistakes and recognize their wins. They had to actually see the consequences of their decisions, for better or worse.

This actually happened seven years ago. That couple who had spent decades dealing with bad luck and misfortune has since transformed themselves into a family that seems to have a lot more good luck and positive fortune. They no longer have debt. They know exactly what's happening with the finances. They are pursuing their aspirations.....and making progress! They don't fight about money anymore. They are living such an amazing life!

This isn't a story about my coaching. This is a story about the power of taking accountability and deciding enough is enough. It's a story about redemption, second chances, and the power of discipline. It's a story about two grown adults who shed generations of financial and behavioral baggage. A little accountability goes a long way!

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“Why Not Us?”

A 30-something couple was sitting across from me. They looked like a perfect mix of tired, stressed, and demoralized. While several parts of their life were going well, secretly, their finances were a mess. From the outside, everything looked somewhere between average and good. However, the truth is they were drowning from the weight of debt and other past financial decisions.

Despite all that, they seemed hopeful. Several of their friends had worked with me in the past, and, due to whatever stories they had been told, they felt a glimmer of encouragement. I walked them through the concepts and explained what it would take to get on the other side of this stressful mess. After about five minutes of me explaining a difficult yet simple plan, the wife looked at the husband and confidently exclaimed, "Well, why not us!?!?"

"Why not us?" Having a healthy (and positive!) relationship with money isn't reserved for the few people over there. It's open to all, and the only prerequisite is that we handle ourselves with discipline, determination, and focus. "Why not us?!?!" Gaining traction and building positive momentum is no small feat, and it requires much more than a little good fortune and a few good decisions. It takes intentionality, discipline, and the compounding effect of thousands of small decisions.

This couple is going to crush it. Do you want to know why I know that? Because they believe it. Sometimes, that's the spark that ignites the whole thing. On the flip side, the most surefire way to know someone won't win is because they don't believe they will win. It sounds silly, but it's true.

I've walked alongside countless families on this financial journey. Some have won.....some haven't. The common thread, more often than not, is if the couple (or person) sincerely believes winning is possible.

"Why not us?!?!" I think this should be our new rallying cry. In our work, in our families, in our money, in our hobbies, in our passions, and in our relationships.

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She Time, Me Time

Sarah leaves for a cruise today. Yeah, just Sarah. The boys and I will be at home living our normal lives while Sarah and her friend bask in the Caribbean sun.

"It's really nice you let your wife do something like that," said one friend.

Another friend mentioned to me, "Zero chance this would fly in our house."

A third friend exclaimed, "I can't believe you’re okay with her going on vacation without you!"

These comments felt odd to me. I think it's amazing that Sarah is taking a week to get some rest and relaxation with a friend. She needs it. We all need time away! I also know that when the tables are turned, she will be just as supportive of me stepping away to get some rest.

Some people dwell on the financial aspect. After all, I make 99.9% of our family's income. And here Sarah is spending our travel money on herself while I'm stuck at home?!?! The keyword there is "our" travel money. We're a team. We do this together. The fact that we're able to afford her a fun trip with a friend is a blessing I don't take for granted. Further, I hold zero jealousy or resentment toward her for spending money on this. That's what the money is for!

I think it's critically important that we all find time to get away. It doesn't have to be a cruise. Often, my time away looks like a short 1-2 night trip to a nearby city for a personal retreat. I get lots of sleep, eat good food, watch movies, and write. I find this time to be a beautiful reset amidst an otherwise chaotic life.

I think we each need to find our own rhythm. However, the biggest obstacle standing in our way is often our spouse. Spouses, help your partner get some time. Not only should you not discourage it, but you should champion it. Initiate the idea. In many cases, our partners feel guilty leaving, and our encouragement is what's needed to give them the freedom to go.

I hope Sarah has a blast on her trip! In the meantime, the boys and I will have a great week here at home. Hope you have a great day!

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