The No Lending Rule

Sarah and I have a rule in our marriage that's so ingrained into our being that I forget it's considered weird. We will NEVER lend money to someone. Nobody. No amount. For any reason. There's not a single exception we would ever make to this rule.

Many people would call this selfish on our part. "Why wouldn't you help a friend or family member who needs help?!?!" First, I'd argue that lending money to people who are struggling isn't a form of help; it's a quick way to put an even heavier burden on them. Think about it. There's a reason someone needs money, and it probably involves them not having money. And if they are asking for (or receiving) money from you, it means they've probably already tapped other sources of debt. Translation: They are hurting!

It's so sad to see the pain in someone's eyes as they share about how their relationship with a loved one became impaired over a $20, $50, or $100 debt. Entire families have been ruined over a few hundred bucks. In Sarah's and my opinion, our relationships are worth far more than that (priceless, even!). In a recent study, it was reported that 33% of Americans were owed money from a friend or family member. The same study also reported that almost half of respondents say the debt has caused negative consequences to the relationship. Therefore, Sarah and I would NEVER lend money to a friend or family member.

Back to us being selfish (tongue in cheek). There's no amount of money I wouldn't give someone as a GIFT. If someone in my life needs something, I got them. If someone is hurting, I'll provide. If someone is facing a struggle, I'll write the check. On one condition, though. It's a GIFT. No paybacks. No guilt. No strings attached. They must lovingly receive the gift as a gift.....period.

If someone demands that they give something in return, here's what I say. "Down the road, after you've recovered from this situation, you're going to encounter someone who is hurting. Bless them. Help them. Serve them." That's called community. That's actual love.

Today, I'm begging you to NEVER lend money to a friend or family member again. Don't risk the relationship over some stupid money. Also, don't leave them hanging. If someone in your life is hurting, step into the gap and share some of what you have. No paybacks. No guilt. No strings attached. Be a true blessing to them. You might just change their lives, and in turn, eventually change other people's lives through them. It's the circle of generosity rippling through our communities.

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Unbusy

Well, summer is here! The kids just finished second grade and look forward to a fun summer. Countless people have asked me a very common question: "Do you have a busy summer planned?"

We have an unbusy summer planned. I feel like life is already too busy and can easily get out of control. Summers are just the same. Busy, busy, busy. Our strategy is simple, though. We are going to spend the summer unbusy.

Sure, we have a few trips planned and there are some activities here and there. However, most days are completely wide open.......by design. Busy does not mean valuable. Busy does not mean good. Busy does not mean meaningful.

In fact, I'd argue being unbusy can be even more meaningful. I so much cherish the slow, spontaneous moments of an unbusy summer. The out-of-the-blue bonfires, the impulsive trips to eat ice cream, the spur-of-the-moment basketball challenges, the on-a-whim drive-in theater adventures, the spontaneous opportunities for generosity. Those are the most special memories in our house. Unbusy, but flexible.

Just yesterday alone, I played Pax one-on-one in basketball, cooked steaks with Finn, and shared some cruising time in the convertible with Pax. These memories are priceless, yet free or almost free. It's not about some grandiose adventure that costs several days and many thousands of dollars. It's about slowing down enough when it counts so that we can be present. Small but powerful moments.

I'm used to the following conversation:

Friend: "What do you have going on this weekend?"

Me: "Absolutely nothing. We don't have anything planned."

Friend: "Those are good sometimes."

Me: "We try to make that every weekend."

Friend: ........

Unbusy. Those who know me well know how much I've struggled with busy in my life. I have a bit of a reputation....spanning decades. However, this is one area of unbusy I've been able to dial in. My family will not fall into the culture of busy. It's worn as a badge of honor in our society, but I reject that. Unbusy is the plan. We'll fight for that each day and each week this summer, and we'll absolutely fail at times, but we'll give it our best shot.

I hope some of you will join us in the pursuit of an unbusy summer.

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But Would You Live For Them?

I was having drinks with a handful of guy friends recently. There were four of us in total. We discussed all the normal-type things: Family, work, sports, faith, and upcoming travel plans. The conversation evolved to a bit of a morbid topic, triggered by a recent news story about a family that was attacked by a random assailant.

"I would die for my family," exclaimed one of my friends. One by one, each of my friends said the same thing. As a husband and father, they would die for their family. Noble. I agreed with them about this sentiment. If push came to shove, I would sacrifice myself for my family.

However, I asked a follow-up question. "Yeah, but would you live for your family?"

They looked at me, puzzled. For the ten minutes before this topic, each of them shared about how miserable they were in their respective careers and lives. All three of these guys are massively successful, as defined by the world, but each secretly lives in misery.

Each one of these men has achieved something in their lives, and in an effort to retain the comfort, stability, and ease of this new lifestyle, they continuously make choices to maintain the status quo. In other words, they are drowning in their own pool of comfort. In the sports world, it's called "playing not to lose."

None of them is actually living (their words), and their lives are struggling as a result. There's tension in their marriages and tension in their parenting. Their careers suck. Time keeps ticking too fast, but at the same time, not fast enough to finally get to this retirement finish line they fantasize about. They are depressed but mask it in normalcy. The life they are living isn't actually living. It's a form of delayed dying.

I think most people would willfully die for their family, but many won't actually live for their family. Here's the modern-day recipe for a day in the life:

• Wake up and get ready.

• Spend 8-10 hours at a job you tolerate or dislike.

• Come home grumpy and disgruntled.

• Spend a few precious hours with family.

• Count down the days until the weekend arrives.

• Savor the weekend, which might include spending time with friends/family, going on a trip, and/or buying something fun.

• By Sunday afternoon, begin the dread of the Sunday Scaries.

• Wake up on Monday and repeat.

That's a comfortable life. That's a normal life. That's a predictable life. But is it living? Most people, when confronted with this question in an honest setting, will say "no."

Here are a few questions I ask myself:

• Am I pursuing work that matters when I wake up each morning?

• Am I seeking comfort or pushing myself out of my comfort zone?

• Am I actively serving God and serving others?

• Am I giving sacrificially?

• Am I embracing the adventure or playing it safe?

• Am I proud of what I model for my kids?

I think most of us would die for our family, no doubt! That's the sign of loyalty, love, and honor. But would you live for them? Are you willing to truly live?

My three friends desperately need a shift. They know it and I know it. It will take courage and the willingness to disregard society’s expectations. They can do this…..and so can you.

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A Terrible Daughter

I spent yesterday meeting with approximately 50 leaders from all over Colombia, discussing the importance of organizational standards. Standards in transparency, communication, governance, and financial responsibility, to name a few. It was a wonderful day, and I learned so much from the various leaders (each with his/her own perspective and discipline).

At one point in the meeting, my friend Gary asked our guests to stand and share their opinions on why these standards matter. One particular woman, a middle-aged attorney, said something that struck me. I wrote it down, as it was something I wanted to sear into my brain. As with most of my meetings here, my involvement is facilitated through translators, and we're blessed to have three amazing translators with us. (Side note: I'm constantly in awe of how these three women navigate this craft so well!). Here's what this guest said that knocked me off my feet:

"Disorder is the daughter of improvisation. Without standards comes chaos, and eventually failure."

Standards mean everything! I regularly write about the importance of being excellent. Whether you're trying to thrive in your career or successfully run your business, the key is excellence. Excellence, excellence, excellence. However, excellence is born from standards.

Or, as I visually represented to our Colombian team later in the day, you can't have excellence without standards, and you can't have growth without excellence. Standards > Excellence > Growth. Therefore, everything begins with standards. If we try to be excellent without having standards, we've failed before we even start. If we try to grow without being excellent, it's like a house built on sand.....it will eventually collapse.

What are your standards? This is a question we must each ask ourselves. Whether it's in the operation of our family's finances, our careers, our parenting, our marriages, or our businesses, it all begins with standards. My friend TJ says it best: "We don't rise to the level of our aspirations. We fall to the level of our standards." If you tell me what your standards are, I'll tell you what your ceiling is.

My clients who set rock-solid standards will inevitably thrive. Yes, they will be met with stress, tension, turmoil, and unwanted surprises; that's life! However, when standards are established, and then met, success (as dictated by their standards) is nearly inevitable.

My encouragement today is to think about your standards. What standards have you set in the way you approach the various aspects of your life? I can tell you my life is thriving in the areas where I set high standards.....and struggling in the areas where I failed to set standards. I need only look in the mirror to reflect the harsh reality of this principle. Standards mean everything.

I'm so grateful for all my Colombian friends and the memories we made yesterday in Medellín. There are days we will take the to grave with us….yesterday was one of those days for me. After 14 straight hours of meetings, mission, and memories, we ended the night with a little impulsive decision to jump into the rooftop hot tub at our hotel (in the rain, nonetheless). This is the view that concluded our day.

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Mission and Memories…and One More Thing

Many years ago, during a double dinner date in Hong Kong, my friend Gary Hoag said something that has permanently stuck with me:

"There are two things worth investing in. Mission and memories."

I didn't realize it back then, but those words would rock my world from that point forward. If I were to summarize my day-to-day, week-to-week, month-to-month, and year-to-year decisions, 90% of what I do would fall into one of those two buckets. Mission and memories. 

This week, I get to experience both with Gary. Today kicks off a series of meetings and adventures in Medellín, Colombia, beginning with a tour of some coffee farms. Over the coming hours, I'll be laboring in the coffee fields, trying to gain a better understanding of what a day in the life of a Colombian coffee farmer looks like. I couldn't be more excited for this, and I hope I take away something profound and impactful for the greater mission. 

Gary and I were able to link up at the Houston airport before our flight to Medellín.

While Gary lives in the U.S., I've seen him more often abroad than in America. We've traveled the world together, spoken together, worshipped together, camped together, fished together (though what I did barely resembled fishing), and written books together. We've traversed the Great Wall of China together, explored the vastness of the Mongolian wilderness together, scaled Hong Kong's Victoria's Peak together, and meandered through the night markets of Thailand together. 

Memories, memories, memories. And, oh, the mission! Each one of those memories is rooted in mission. Deep, meaningful mission. But do you see the other common thread running through all this? Relationships. We weren't meant to do this alone. Mission and memories aren't for us to prove we're good enough to do it ourselves. In fact, it's the opposite. There's a multiplication effect that happens when we integrate our relationships with mission and memories. One plus one does not equal two; it often equals something far greater than we can imagine. 

There's no telling what impact we can have if we bring others into the fold. This week's mission isn't for me to hoard all to myself. This isn't something I get to individually endeavor, and then tell everyone how cool I am. One person can move the needle, but a group working together for a shared cause can change the world. I can't wait to share more about the vision and invite you to join me.

I don't know how today's post will land, but regardless of what your weekend looks like, I hope you internalize (and incorporate) Gary's words as I did: "There are two things worth investigating in. Mission and memories." Oh yeah, and bring someone else along as well!

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Riddle Me This

For the first time in my life, I stumbled into someone (on TikTok of all places) discussing a topic I've spent far too much time thinking about. It's a topic I've had opinions on for decades, and finally, it's part of the public discourse!

Let's pretend you and a friend go out for dinner. The intent was for each person to pay for their own meal. When the bill comes, though, the server communicates that they have a no-split policy. You decide to pick up the tab for the table, and your friend will pay you back. You can replace this scenario with countless others, but this is a simple way to frame this up.

The next day, your friend asks how much you owe him/her. The exact amount owed is $27.65. What amount do you communicate with your friend?

• A. $27.00

• B. $27.65

• C. $28.00

Take a second and think about what you would tell your friend.

I believe each answer is a tell, and I'm about to unload this deep, dark thought I've been carrying for decades.

If your friend owes you $27.65 and you tell them they owe you $27.65, this is a tell that you live by the letter of the law. You want everything above board, no gray area. You want to ensure you don't feel indebted to the other person, even by a few cents. Or……it just might mean you’re an accountant and anything but two full decimals is akin to blasphemy.

If your friend owes you $27.65 and you tell them they owe you $28.00, this is a tell that you want to ensure nobody takes advantage of you. After all, you're the one who stepped up and took one for the team by buying for the table. $28 is a nice round number, and it's only fair this is their tab. Besides, it's only 35 cents!

If your friend owes you $27.65 and you tell them they owe you $27.00, this is a tell that you live with a spirit of generosity....even in the smallest and most unseen ways. It's a generous act to round down what they owe you, giving them a slightly better number than yours. It's also an act of generosity to make it a simple number. It's a small, real-time act that shows you have their back.

This isn't a profound or earth-shattering concept today, but perhaps it will make you look in the mirror. What would you tell your friend? Also, you're welcome for now permanently possessing the curse of constantly and intently watching how other people answer this question. It's telling.

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Must Be Nice

"Must be nice." Ah, gotta love that phrase. "Must be nice" is a politer way to say "You got lucky" or "I'm jealous." It's also a phrase that signals the beginning of the end. The mere utterance of these words signals that your inputs are detached from your outputs. Using this phrase means outcomes are not correlated with executon. Mentioning this phrase means you've lost before you've even had a chance to play the game.

These words were said to me on Saturday afternoon on the heels of the Downtown Des Moines Farmers' Market. My friend saw our huge line as he passed through the market and had some "feedback" for me afterward. He gave me permission to write about it, so that took away some of the sting. In short, though, he attributed our long lines to good fortune. Right place, right time.

He's not alone in this sentiment, and this doesn't just apply to Northern Vessel. If you've built something that matters (whether it be a business or career), there are countless people in your life who are sopping with jealousy. Or, in the words of one of my business owner clients, "Travis, you're the only person in our lives we can even talk to about this stuff. You're the only one who will genuinely celebrate with us." He, too, gets lots of "It must be nice" comments. Jealousy is everywhere.

The truth is, it does feel nice. It feels wonderful to create something that matters. However, ahead of that niceness is a ton of blood, sweat, tears, pain, suffering, failure, and growth.

In this conversation, my friend asked what I attributed our success to. I think there are a lot of reasons for it, and they all revolve around inputs, not outputs. While most people believe in obsessing about the outputs, we believe in obsessing over the inputs and merely measuring the outputs.

Here are some of our inputs:

• We're obsessed with finding the right people. It's extremely difficult to get hired at NV. TJ's standards and expectations are brutally high.

• Financially, we believe in paying our team ridiculously well. TJ hasn't given me permission to share specifics (yet!), but we created a compensation structure for the farmer's market that boggles the mind. Interests are aligned, and our team is incentivized to crush it.

• In turn, the work is a grind! It's like going to battle. Our team goes into market days knowing they will be wreckedby the time we're done. My hope is they look back on that experience and say, wow, that was awesome!

• Unreasonable hospitality. It's not good enough to quickly serve a coffee. Anyone can serve a coffee. But can you make people feel a certain way while doing it? The experience is everything.

• Constant obsession with getting better and more efficient. "Good enough" isn't good enough. Every team member has the green light to propose ideas for "better."

I pray you get rid of the phrase "It must be nice" from your life, and keep all the "It must be nice" people at arm's length. Whatever you're into, obsess about the inputs and measure the outputs. Keep going! "Nice" is coming.

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The Flourless Cake

Have you ever baked a cake? I've baked a few in my life, and fortunately, it was under the watchful eye of my mom. As a kid, I remember using her cookbook to determine the exact ingredients in the exact ratios. My favorite ingredient was the sugar, of course. After all, that's what made the cake actually taste good. If I had my way, I probably would have elected to replace the gross-tasting flour with even more sugar. If sugar is what makes it taste good, then why not let the sugar dominate!?!? Can you imagine how bad that all-sugar, no-flour cake would have tasted? It would have been a disaster.

During a recent conversation with a client, I asked both spouses what they wanted. They both shared a similar answer. In short, their objective in life was to retire as early as possible (late 40s or early 50s) and spend more time with family.

Curious about where this was going, I asked, "And what else?"

The husband looked confused, so he cleared the air: "Nothing else. We're just going to spend time with friends and family."

Wanting to be sure I understood, I asked one more follow-up: "But nothing else?"

"Nope, we're going to relax and just spend our time with friends and family. Travel, too.....probably with family"

Perhaps this is an unpopular opinion that will be met with a violent backlash, but this seems like a flourless cake. Relaxing and spending time with loved ones is the sugar. It tastes good! It's fun. It's enjoyable. It gives life flavor. But if all we're adding to the batter is sugar, like my childhood baking example above, that's going to be one disaster of a cake.

Work. Purpose. Impact. Service. These are the flour. They don't always taste as good as the sugar, but they are what make a cake a cake. They balance out the ingredients to create something beautiful.....something delicious.

Just as we shouldn't have a flourless cake, we also shouldn't have a sugarless cake. While it might come out of the oven actually looking like a cake, it probably tastes dull and bland. Nobody wants that cake, either! We gotta have the sugar, too!

Our obsession with and idolization of retirement is turning us into a bunch of flourless cakes. We glorify a life of leisure so much in our culture that we forget to add all the ingredients to the bowl in healthy ratios.

My goal isn't to turn an entire generation into a bunch of work-obsessed robots. Rather, I deeply desire for people to see the good in their work. Further, if people understood how much value work adds to their lives, they would quit racing to the finish line (i.e., retirement) and instead pursue work that actually matters to them. Lots of sugar for taste, a healthy amount of flour to give it body, in a ratio that makes it light and fluffy. That sounds like an absolutely delicious cake!

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Getting It Right, Not Being Right

TJ and I have had many intense Northern Vessel conversations over the past three weeks. We've faced (and continue to face) many challenges. All in all, though, these are good things. In just 2.5 years, we've already outpaced our year-seven projection. This is an amazing blessing, but that sort of blessing comes with many trials. TJ and I have an interesting relationship. I've been somewhat of a mentor figure to him over the years, which turned into a big brother / little brother type situation, turned best friends, as well as business partners. On top of that, in my new role as head of operations, I report to him as my boss. It can be tricky!

On this surface, this might seem like a recipe for disaster. That's a lot of landmines to maneuver. However, our dynamic works very well together. It's not due to luck. Rather, a few important dynamics make all the difference in the world. First, we both care deeply about the mission. Ultimately, even when we disagree, we're on the same team and have the organization's best interest in mind. The second, though, is the most important. It's a line in the sand he and I drew more than two years ago, and it's at the center of everything we do. In fact, TJ brought it up yesterday during a particularly intense conversation. 

Neither of us is in the business of being right…… we're in the business of getting it right. The best idea wins, period. This steadfast boundary changes everything. It's not about ego, one-upping the other, or winning a debate. The only thing that matters is getting to the best possible outcome, regardless of our path to get there. Sometimes, he's right. Sometimes, I'm right. Sometimes, neither of us is right. However, we usually get to the right place, and through our trust in one another to be in the business of getting it right, we end up in a far better place for it. 

In my opinion, this is the only mode to operate life. It can sometimes be humbling, even embarrassing, but everyone wins when the best outcome is reached. I see this in my coaching all the time! If one spouse is in the business of being right, the couple won't ultimately reach its potential. This dynamic is usually caused by arrogance, pride, or stubbornness. It's destructive to both the finances and the marriage. On the flip side, if both spouses are in the business of simply getting it right (regardless of who is more right), they will absolutely crush it. I've seen this play out over and over and over, spanning more than a decade with some couples. 

As you navigate your day, be in the business of getting it right, not being right. I promise it will change your life....and your relationships!

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Tears Of

The last few days have been packed with financial coaching meetings. Lots of tears. Tears of loss, pain, suffering, sorrow, joy, achievement, regret, and celebration. Lots of tears for lots of reasons. There's a lot of life happening all around us. And yes, these were financial coaching meetings.

That's the thing about money. Money is NEVER about money. It's always about something bigger. Sure, we can make it about dollars and cents, black and white, smart and dumb, responsible and foolish, rich and poor. Most of the world views money that way, after all. However, doing so sells people short. People's lives are worth so much more than stacks of cash and materialistic possessions.

While I don't believe money is important, handling it well is. It's intertwined into every area of our lives. Our relationships, aspirations, careers, parenting, hobbies, passions, and daily lives. Thus, the tears. I might sit in a room with spreadsheets on a screen and number scribbled on a whiteboard, but we're not really talking about money. Money might come up, but it’s never really about the money. We're talking about the most important nuances of people's lives, which happen to, for better or worse, intersect with finances.

This is the tension with a meaning over money lifestyle. We can't put money on a pedestal and worship it above all else. Doing so is toxic, unhealthy, and unfulfilling. On the flip side, we can't irresponsibly disregard money altogether. Doing so is a surefire way to reap chaos and destruction in a life meant for meaning.

So what's the answer? In my opinion, we should endeavor to steward our resources well, postured in humility, contentment, and generosity, to live a life rich with meaning, purpose, and impact. Everything else is just noise.

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The Kids Don’t Care

I recently spent time with a couple who are struggling. Both spouses have great jobs, and their combined income is much higher than the average family's. However, they are stressed, burned out, and frustrated with life. Between their jobs and other commitments, they barely have time for their kids. By the time they all get home at night and eat dinner, they're lucky to have 30 minutes with the kids before bedtime. They feel like spectators in their own lives, watching their kids being raised by other people.

I mostly listened, taking it all in. It pained me to hear how discontent they are with their lives. The part about rarely seeing their kids was especially brutal. Then, I asked what seemed like an obvious question to me: "Well, why do you do it?"

"Our kids deserve a good life."

In their opinion, all of this hard work, long hours, stressful weeks, and the amazing income it all provides was worth it because it allowed them to provide their kids with a high standard of living which they "deserved.". This family is checking all the boxes: the house, the cars, the clothes, the trips, the activities, the clubs. Their kids are livin' the life!

My response: "The kids don't care!"

This is a hard pill for most parents to swallow, but the kids don't give a rip about any of it. We may think they do, and they may say things that lead us to believe they do, but they don't! What kids care about is having their parents present. A healthy household, engaging relationships, active discipline, a shoulder to lean on, someone to show them love, and the opportunity to make memories. They don't care about money, stuff, or status.

I've interviewed hundreds of people about their childhood. The feedback I've heard has ranged from "My childhood was a nightmare" to "I had the best childhood in the world." Do you know what doesn't factor into these opinions? Standard of living. Nobody says, "My childhood sucked because we were lower class," and nobody says, "My childhood was great because we were rich." Their standard of living and financial status always come up (because I ask), but there's practically zero correlation between money and childhood happiness.

There is one consistent theme, though. How present and engaged their parents were meant everything. Regardless of wealth or standard of living, kids who had present and engaging parents consistently reflect fondly on their childhoods. Translation: They don't care about money.

If what I just said is true, we parents have a choice to make. We can either continue down the road of "providing a good life," recognizing we're actually doing it for ourselves (and not our kids), or we can choose meaning over money and truly invest in our children. This is a tough pill to swallow for many, but one worth considering.

I'll end with the good news! No matter how much (or little) income you make or wealth you possess, you already have the tools to give your children everything they want!

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A Shared Experience Double Date

Sarah and I went on a double date with another couple last night. I've been excited about this date for a while, and it didn't disappoint. However, I was caught off guard early in the night. The husband, a regular reader of this blog, announced he wanted to do this date "Shelton Family Style." This was a reference to a post I wrote 19 months ago about the power of actually shared experiences. Whenever my family goes out to eat, no matter the restaurant, we eat family style. We order a handful of items from the menu and share them with the entire family. It's a practice I picked up in Asia, and it's transformed our dining experiences.

Last night, though, I didn't expect that to happen. It's not a normal American custom to eat family style at most restaurants. Even when my friend said he wanted to do it, I didn't fully believe him. Each of us ordered something different, and I fully expected Sarah and I to share like we always do. However, as soon as the food arrived, I realized my friend was serious. We spent the next few minutes sliding blocks of food onto extra plates and divvying it up. Then, we dug in!

It was amazing! Each of us experienced four different entrees. It was part of the conversation. What we liked (almost everything), what we didn't (almost nothing), and why. We all received variety. We shared that experience together. By the time we finished, I had become an even bigger fan of that restaurant, as I experienced excellence across the board. It was a significantly memorable experience, and one I'm so grateful to have shared with my friends.

While this may seem like a random or inapplicable topic for this blog, I think it's highly impactful. It's really about creating and curating memories, moments, and experiences. It's about building relationships and adding richness to life.

Yes, we could simply stick to the normal ways of doing things; there's nothing wrong with that. Or, we can take a chance, get a bit uncomfortable, and try something that just might transform the experience. I'm so grateful my friends pushed the idea last night, and perhaps today, you can find your own ways to lean into similar ideas with people in your life. Share experiences, make memories, and create moments.

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The Tale of Two Women

Due to our own (multiple) failings, my family found ourselves in a precarious position a few days ago (the same day my other mistakes physically crushed me). We made reservations for our family to spend the day at a fun pool/beach resort in Cozumel called Paradise Beach.

We hurriedly packed up our gear in the morning and whisked ourselves off the ship and into a cab. Upon arriving at the resort, we needed to pay the second half of our $200 admission fee. This is where the problems began compounding:

• I had enough cash to get us a cab back to port (plus some tips), but no debit cards.

• Sarah also left her wallet on the ship.

• I just got a new iPhone and haven't yet loaded my cards into ApplePay.

• Sarah accidentally left her phone on the ship!

We were 0-4 in having access to our bank accounts. Oh crap!

I'm a fairly resourceful guy, so I had no doubt I'd find a way.....somehow. To me, it was going to be simple. The resort had free wifi, so my plan was to see if any other arriving tourists would help me by paying my $100 fee and I would immediately Venmo them $150. Win/win! The first couple dropped their heads as I approached them. The second gave me the "no" gesture with their hands. The third was a woman and her husband, clearly an American couple coming from a cruise ship.

I approached this couple and explained the situation. About halfway through, she cut me off, "I'm sorry, I'm not going to do that. I don't trust you." She could clearly see my concerned family standing ten feet away, but she was cold and defiant. A big part of me wanted to lash out at her response, but that wasn't going to do any good.

At that very moment, a different woman approached me. She worked for the resort. She and I began troubleshooting to see how we could resolve the situation. She was fighting FOR me, not against me. We tried a few ideas to no avail. Finally, once we approached our fourth idea, it worked. I was able to give her payment information, and my family subsequently enjoyed our lovely day at the resort. She could have easily disregarded me, but she didn't. She was so gracious and patient when we needed an advocate. It was beautiful.

Every day, we venture into the world, in and out of situations, and we have two choices. First, we can be like the first woman. We can be distrustful or think only of ourselves, disregarding people who don't serve our desires. We can let other people deal with their own problems, making sure we simply get what we deserve. Second, we can be like the second woman. We can look for ways to give a hand-up to people and add value to their days. We can advocate FOR people and be a positive presence in their journeys.

It's a choice. Every day. Every interaction. Every situation. Choose wisely. Oh yeah, and since I'm biased, choose to be like woman #2. You’ll help make the world a better place.

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The Power of Uncomfortable Memories

Some memories are easy to say "yes" to. They are appealing, instantly satisfying no-brainers. They ooze with awesomeness, and we can't wait to reach for them. Then, there are the others.

We boarded our cruise ship yesterday, eager to escape the -30-degree wind chills that have been wreaking havoc on the Midwest for weeks. Yet, as we boarded the ship, the temps were a shockingly low 45-degree wind chill. I was freezing and tired when we finally entered our stateroom, ready to relax. Then, I heard the magical words: "Dad, let's go swimming!"

Oh boy. These kids came to go swimming, and 45-degree temps weren't going to stop them. Reluctantly, I changed into my trunks, and we spent the next two hours doing something more closely resembling the polar bear plunge than Caribbean cruise swimming. We sipped Shirley Temples and played like it was our only chance to swim for months. We bounced back and forth between the hot tub and the pool, not letting the weather dictate our itinerary (nor caring about the fact our feet were completely numb). Memories were made......lots of memories were made.

We'll likely make a ton of new memories together on this trip, but I have no doubt spending the afternoon swimming in 45-degree temps will be seared in for years (or decades).

There's something special about uncomfortable memories. Those memories where we're pushed just outside our comfort zone, resulting from our willingness to stretch ourselves into saying "yes" to things our impulses tell us to decline. In fact, if I were to list out my top 20 memories of all time, 15 of them would probably be the result of a "yes" decision I can't believe I made. If I had only trusted my gut and said "no" like any sane person should, each one of those special memories would be wiped from my being (as well as any impact they had on my growth and development).

My call to action today is to say "yes" to uncomfortable opportunities. Even if every ounce of you is screaming "no," just say "yes." You don't even have to know what you're doing it, other than to know something good will come from it. Something good always comes from it!

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Stepping On Landmines

I had a tremendously fun talk in Los Angeles last night. It was a great opportunity to reconnect with old friends and meet some new ones. I had some wonderful chats with people before and after the event, plus some great Q&A immediately following my talk. A common thread was woven into so many of these stories, which is a similar thread I experience in my day-to-day talking with people about money. Every story about financial pain, struggle, or failure starts with a singular moment where the person made a mistake or experienced a misfortune. I call it stepping on landmines.

Here's an example. A buddy shared the story about how he's in a really tough financial situation. He started with his present, then worked his way backward. The story culminates at the beginning, where he steps on his first landmine. He purchased a car he couldn't afford with a monthly payment nobody should afford. That was a landmine. That singular decision set up and set off a chain reaction that spiraled him to where he currently sits.

Story after story after story, each being triggered by the first landmine. The problem with landmines is that once we step on one, it becomes easier and more likely we'll step on another. After all, we don't make the best decisions under duress.

We obviously can't go back and unstep on our own landmines. I have many I wish I could undo. If we can't necessarily unwind our past landmines, what's the point? I have two points on this.

First, simply being aware of this phenomenon will allow us to be vigilant when the NEXT landmine approaches. We don't have to step on it. Instead, we can have the spatial awareness that we're nearing a landmine, but this time, sidestep it. Doing so frees us from the potential consequences, including the increased susceptibility of stepping on another. Just a few key decisions like this have the potential to radically shift our lives forever.

Second, we can help others around us avoid their own. In addition to the landmine stories, I shared some beautiful conversations with other people yesterday. These are people I care about deeply. With whatever insight and influence I had to offer, I was able to shine a light on a few upcoming landmines in their lives. It would be so wonderful if they were able to avoid them. If one thing I said helps one person take a different path, it was a monumental day. That's the opportunity each one of us has today. If we can help one person avoid one landmine, we've changed their world....possibly forever.

I hope you find that encouraging today, because I sure do! Have a great day!

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Here

Sarah and I recently stumbled upon a fascinating film. I was scrolling through Netflix while Sarah vetoed movie after movie. Nothing sounded good to her, and she wanted me to know that. Eventually, frustrated by her unwillingness to commit, I picked something and said, "This is the one! We're going to watch it, and we're going to enjoy it." It indeed was the one.

The movie is called Here. Released last year, it stars Tom Hanks and Robin Wright, and was directed by Robert Zemeckis (the creator of Back To The Future and Forrest Gump). It's one of the most unique films I've ever watched. For example, the entire movie is set at a single camera position, and the screen never fades out; one continuous shot for 1 hour and 45 minutes. See, fascinating!

Photo Credit: IMDB

It's been nearly two days since we watched it, and I can't get it out of my head. At its core, the movie is a reflection on so many of the ideas shared in this blog:

• The pursuit (or not) of meaningful work.

• How deeply our relationships are woven into the quality of our life.

• The cultural and financial pressures to abandon our dreams.

• The struggle and joy that comes with parenting.

• The impacts (both positively and negatively) our sacrifices make in our journey.

• The haunting power of regret.

• The fleeting nature of time.

• Our inescapable need for meaning and fulfillment.

• The relational and emotional impact of debt and financial tension.

• Our human desire to establish roots.

• The beauty of the simplest and most mundane parts of our lives.

• The humbling reality of our own mortality.

• The miracle of forgiveness and redemption.

• The bonding qualities of sharing a meal together.

• The importance of celebrating major milestones in life.

It was simultaneously the saddest and most joyful thing I've watched in a while. I can't help but reflect on my own journey as a man, a husband, and a father. Life is indeed fleeting, and I ought not waste it.

If you enjoy this blog, I highly recommend you check out this film on Netflix. I can't promise you'll like it, but I can promise it will make you think. I hope you have a wonderful day, filled with beauty in both the big things and the small things.

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Lessons From the Barkley Saga

"Wouldn't it be fun if our baristas could make six figures?"

This was one of the many insane ideas we discussed in the early days of planning Northern Vessel's launch. This counter-cultural idea was founded on a core belief TJ and I shared: Just treat people well. What that meant to us was to continually find ways to align interests, reward performance, incentivize winning behaviors, and create a culture of gratitude. Over the past few years, these driving principles have led to some pretty wild ideas and structures. I've faced much criticism from friends and mentors whenever these ideas arise.

"Why would you give up that much upside?"

"You're hurting yourself."

"That isn't market."

"There's no need to do that."

I never take offense to these comments; I get it! What we do can largely be considered stupid and/or irresponsible. But ultimately, I believe that if you treat people like owners, they will behave like owners—culture matters. When our people win, we win. And when our people win big, we win big. It doesn't have to be a fixed pie. We don't have to live our lives (and our businesses) with a scarcity mindset.

Speaking of, I've been thinking about the whooping the Chiefs received at the hands of the Eagles last night. Wow! Never in a million years did I see that coming. After the game, I was reminded of a seemingly innocent scene from HBO's Hard Knocks last summer. It's a brief phone conversation between Giants GM Joe Schoen and star Giants running back Sequon Barkley.

I'll set the scene. Mr. Schoen doesn't want to proactively offer Barkley a large contract at the risk of overpaying him, so he calls Barkley to let him know that he should "test the market." Translation: We're willing to pay you decent money, but not a penny more than we need to.

Mr. Schoen goes on, "If you really wanna be a Giant for life, and you're interested in staying here and coming back, just see what your market is and then have (your agent) come back to us, and we'll see if we can come to an agreement." Translation: If you're as loyal to us as you say you are, you'll sacrifice some money for the privilege of being here, and accept whatever we eventually offer you.

When I saw that clip, I knew there was zero chance he was going to return to the Giants. They violated the Just Treat People Well principle, and there was no turning back. Trust was broken. Interests were unaligned. He tested the market, as instructed, and eventually signed with the Eagles, where he thought he could help them reach the Super Bowl. Fast forward just a handful of months, and Barkley and the Eagles just became Super Bowl champions.

Most of us probably won't ever be an NFL GM (outside of the latest Madden installment), but this situation proves a valuable lesson. Just treat people well. Others don't have to lose for us to win. Align interests. Live with a culture of gratitude. People matter. Strike that.....people matter more than anything.

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Changing the World By Changing Yours

I just received the best news! An old friend, someone I haven't talked to in several years, contacted me to share a life update. He said that after three years of blood, sweat, and tears, he and his wife paid off their $125,000 of consumer debt (student loans and credit cards). Whoa!

When I asked him how that happened, his answer shocked me. "Remember that one time we were having drinks at _____? Someone asked you about paying off all your debt. I thought to myself, if you could do it, so could I. So I did."

If I could do it, so could he! Yes! I couldn't love that more. This debt had haunted him for nearly two decades.....until that day three years ago when he decided enough was enough. Then, he changed his life forever.

Here's the opportunity on the table for you today. You have an opportunity to change the world by changing yours. Without even knowing, my actions to change my own family's world eventually inspired this other family to change theirs.

People are watching. People see things. They might not listen to your advice, but they can't ignore the fruit of your actions. When you make good decisions (financial or otherwise), and your life improves, it's impossible not to see. This happens with my clients all the time. Their lives start to shift, they live with more freedom and meaning, people around them notice, and a new wave of inspiration strikes and new group of people.

If you want to help others, lead by example. If you want to inspire generosity, practice generosity. If you want to inspire debt-free living, become and stay debt-free. If you want to inspire work that matters, aggressively pursue work that matters.

Whether you see it or not, people are watching. And whether you realize it or not, your actions are moving the needle in other people's lives, for better or worse. What a fun and intense opportunity.....and responsibility.

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Tell the Others

My social media feed was inundated with "support xyz business" posts all day today. I'm starting to believe the algorithm is just trolling me at this point. Oh well, I suppose it provides great content ideas.

Regular readers probably know that I despise the idea of "supporting" businesses, as if they are some form of non-profit charity that can only survive if we treat them with pity and use our own self-directed guilt to give them money.

Today, I want to explore one of the actually beneficial alternatives to "supporting" businesses. Let's call it "tell the others." First, if a business in your life consistently adds value to your journey and repeatedly earns the right to serve you again, allow them to serve you again. Allow them the opportunity to earn that right, then reward them with the opportunity to earn it again.

It's like my friend Teresa at West Forty Market, a local meat market. Teresa doesn't ask me to support her business. Instead, she simply serves me with excellence and earns the right to do it again. She always delivers. I could probably get better prices at Target or Costco, but what Teresa offers is more valuable than what I could get from the big box stores. The product quality is phenomenal. It's always a great experience. Teresa is extremely knowledgeable and answers all my questions. She treats people with genuine hospitality. I always walk out satisfied and grateful I decided to visit. Teresa has earned the right to serve me, and continues to re-earn the right each time I visit. That's what business is all about.

Once that piece is locked in, the "tell the others" component comes into play. It's simple. If a business has continued to earn and re-earn the right to serve you with excellence, it's an act of generosity to share said excellence with people around us. Why would I want to keep such a beautiful thing a secret? The people I care about deserve to be served as well as I do. Thus, I tell the others.

Teresa at West Forty Market is a great example. I just told 1,000+ people about her. That's an act of generosity, but not generosity to Teresa. It's an act of generosity to the people I’m telling. The people I care about deserve to be served as well as I do. They deserve a little meat market that serves a top-notch product, with a great experience, by someone who will treat them with hospitality. You deserve that.

What Teresa gets out of it isn't "support." Rather, she might earn the right to serve some new faces with excellence. And if she does, she might earn the right to do it again. And if she does, they, too, may tell the others....and the cycle repeats. That's how real businesses are built.

Whatever amazing businesses in your life have earned and re-earned the right to serve you, tell the others. Share the good news. It's an act of generosity. Not generosity to the business, but to the people who deserve that type of excellence in their lives as well.

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Death, Taxes, and Jealousy

In yesterday's post, I talked about the prevalence and destruction of jealousy in our lives. If you have a pulse, you're either the culprit or victim of jealousy.....or both. I didn't offer any tangible takeaways in yesterday's post, partly due to my self-imposed word count limit (which I already breached the way it was) and partly because I didn't yet know where I wanted to take it.

I'm going to start with a little life hack. I can tell you with 100% certainty how to prevent people from acting like a jealous jerk around you. Ready for it? Don't do anything. Don't grow. Don't build. Don't progress. Don't thrive. Don't be productive. Staying where you are is a surefire way to prevent the jealousy bug from biting your friends, family, and co-workers.

In the absence of my brilliant little life hack, jealousy is inevitable. It's inevitable because jealousy rears its ugly head when, and only when, you surpass someone in a particular area. The woman in yesterday's post was a perfect example. She was the darling in other people's lives. They rooted for her. They encouraged her. They cheered her on. Then, she unexpectedly surpassed them. More money. More notoriety. More status. The moment she passed them, the jealousy bug bit.

Here's another sad reality. It doesn't matter how humble you are or how well you carry yourself; you cannot control the jealousy seeded in others. It is what it is, and that's what it is. If that's true, you have just one job: keep growing.

• Get out of debt.

• Improve your craft.

• Get more intentional with your finances.

• Build more stability.

• Invest in relationships.

• Pour out generosity.

• Start that new endeavor.

• Put your art into the world.

Do it all, but do it all with a posture of humility. Be above reproach in your behavior and attitude. Give people no reason to be jealous, knowing they will be anyway.

What about your own jealousy bug, though? Yeah, this part is tough. It's all fun and games when we want people to stop being jealous of us, but what should we think when someone else surpasses us? Well, we can definitely choose jealousy.....everyone else does, after all.

If I do my financial coaching job right, some of my clients will far surpass me. That's happened many times. Due to their circumstances, age, and trajectory, if they implement my ideas well, they will absolutely crush what I've accomplished. So what happens when I get a front-row seat to someone surpassing me? I feel nothing but joy for them. Why? The answer is my parting thought for the day.

Life is not a zero-sum game. Someone else winning does not mean that I'm losing. It doesn't have to be about winners and losers. Everyone can win. My friends, family, neighbors, and co-workers having good fortune or blessing in their lives does not negatively impact my life one bit. Therefore, there's no rational or loving feeling other than joy.

Feel joy for them. Take care of your own business. Repeat.

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