Ask the Person In the Mirror

I have a question for you today. It's a profound one, so you might want to sit down. I think it gets to the heart of the materialism that lives inside us. We all have some, whether we want to admit it or not. Here's the question:

If nobody could see that you own x possession, would you still want to buy it?

Apply it to various possessions in your life. Take your car, for example. If people couldn't see that you owned that particular car, would you still want to own that car? In other words, if you couldn't get any perceived benefit from what others might think of you, would you still care about owning that vehicle?

Now, apply it to other items: that watch, the jewelry, the club memberships, the schools we send our children to, the hobbies, the collectibles. Fill in the blank with any and all possessions, and be honest with yourself.

I've run this experiment with about a dozen families, and the results are wild. When push comes to shove, most people would make different decisions about most possessions if we remove external awareness and perception.

Personally, I've had a few revelations about this question:

• I used to care a lot about what other people thought, and that probably applied to most of the possessions I purchased and owned.

• It's difficult to separate our wants and desires for an object from the perceived benefit we'll get from others' perspective. Even when we try to be self-aware, it still affects us subconsciously.

• Today, aside from random comments I share on the blog and podcast, I don't think most people know about most items I own. I find it helps me keep my decision-making pure, hopefully removing this bias and influence from what other people think.

• I don't actually care to own many items. My desire to buy and own possessions has dwindled over time, approaching what could be considered absurd (a topic for another day).

I think this question can help us gain a clearer perspective of the person in the mirror. We often like to believe that our purchase decisions are pure and unbiased, but behind the scenes, we're performing mental math about what stories xyz purchase will tell those around us.

Ask yourself this question today. I dare you!

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Da Coach

We lost football legend and former Bears coach, Mike Ditka, yesterday. Coach was larger than life. Even if you didn't know the Chicago Bears, you knew Coach. Even if you didn't know football, you knew Coach. Heck, Saturday Night Live had a running skit based on him! Coach was (and is!) an icon.

Last night, as Pax and I were readying ourselves for the Iowa State Cyclones football game, ESPN ran a tribute to Coach. It was the first time Pax had really been exposed to him, and for me, it was a throwback to my childhood. The tribute featured several notable people who spoke of the impact Coach made on their lives. Often, the stories weren't about a profound act or gesture, but about his presence in their lives.

It got me thinking about this word: legacy. Coach left a lasting legacy. Long after his burial and celebration of life, people will remember him, cherish him, and credit him with the impact he made on so many lives.

Money can make an impact, but that's just one form. Impact is impact, no matter the form. It's easy to sit on our hands and think, "Well, I'm not rich or famous, so I guess I can't make a difference." Wrong! Each one of us has the opportunity and responsibility to leave a legacy in whatever ways we can. It's not about dollars.....it's about presence.

Remember, legacy isn't built in a singular moment. It's built over years and years and years: countless interactions, small but meaningful conversations, and steadfast consistency in the lives of others. Slowly but surely, legacy is built through the cumulative impact we make on this world.

Please don't wait for some big moment. It's the little moments, day in and day out, when we have the opportunity to move the needle. Each of these moments will either be squandered.......or slowly build into your lasting legacy.

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One Big Bucket List

Bucket List. This term is often used in America to describe the big, unique, and interesting things we want to do someday before we die. The key word here is "someday." Bucket list items seem more of a dream than a reality. They are loosely held wishes. We may or may not actually do these things, but the idea of them inspires us and preserves our imagination.

I love the idea of a bucket list, but slightly different. Instead of using the "someday" modifier, I think bucket lists should operate more like a daily, weekly, monthly, and annual to-do list. I think life should be one big bucket list! Not only that, but a bucket list that gets continually checked off and new items added.

Finn and I have been talking about doing a one-on-one camping trip for a while now, and this is our weekend! In fact, I'm lying in the tent as we speak, writing this in 44-degree temps, struggling to get cell reception, as a little boy snuggles next to me. We've had such a great time together and made memories we'll enjoy for decades. Memories such as taking a pitch-black hike in the woods at night, setting up camp together, and too many s’mores by the fire.

It's so easy to say "someday." Someday requires no time, no money, no commitment, no inconveniences, and no work. Someday allows us to continually kick the can down the road. Why not today? Why not next week? Why not next month? If something is important enough to add to your bucket list, it's important enough to plan right now. Check it off! Make memories. Add something new to the list. Repeat. Life is one big bucket list.

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Don’t Hoard the Pain

I recently had a seemingly casual, professional-level conversation with a stranger. The intent of the conversation was for me to share some insights and advice for this man's young business. However, mere minutes into the conversation, we somehow meandered onto the topic of something deeply personal for him. I could tell it was a sensitive, all-too-relevant topic in his life, filled with much pain and suffering, so our conversation quickly shifted from business to this unexpected direction.

Sometimes, we go through things in life that are deeply painful. Experiences that forever change the trajectory of our lives. Moments we wish we never had to endure, but will never be able to forget. Pain that perpetually lingers, ranging from a dull ache to a knife-like stabbing.

Here's a principle I try to honor in my own life. Don't hoard the pain. It's so easy to lock all that pain up, pretend it doesn't exist, and simply mask it from the world. After all, it's usually easier not to talk about it. We bury it deep in a proverbial junk drawer, hoping it somehow just goes away.....but it doesn't.

Therefore, don't hoard the pain. Don't keep it all to yourself. We can't undo the pain. We can't jump into a DeLorean and change the past. We can't lessen the blow it dealt in our lives. Therefore, share it. Use it. At least allow some good to come from it. The damage has already been done, irreversibly, so we might as well find a way to harness it for good.

Back to my business meeting. This man's pain is all too familiar for me. He's experiencing something I, too, have experienced in a profoundly destructive way. This young man and I spent most of our conversation talking about this topic. All the pain, suffering, and turmoil I've experienced in my own life - what was once bad can be repurposed for good. I was able to share some insights and encouragement with this young man. I didn't hoard my pain. Instead, I found a way to create good from something that has been nothing but destructive in my life. Those little moments are special. Turning something so terrible into something potentially impactful is priceless. It was a beautiful conversation, and I hope I have the privilege of spending time with him again soon.

Don't hoard your pain. What's done is done. Now, even out the ledger by using it for good. Use it to make a positive impact in this world. You suffered so someone else might be allowed to suffer less...or perhaps not have to suffer alone. Not all heroes wear capes, and most heroes don't have origin stories stemming from roses and sunshine. Allow your pain to fuel your impact.

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Through the World’s Eyes

Their concern was sincere. Their intentions were pure. Honestly, I appreciated their generous spirit. Someone recently pulled me aside and asked me if they could help buy something for one of my kids. Why? They assumed we couldn't afford it.

Again, very generous spirit! I get it, though. They've seen our house. They've seen our vehicles. They noticed my kid doesn't have the latest and greatest. In a town that runs on materialism, status, and showmanship, we look anything but wealthy. In fact, I think it would be easy to assess the cultural standard of living measuring stick and assume we struggle. In many people's eyes, we are anti-successful.

I'm not offended by this. It actually makes me realize we're living as intended. We don't care to be showy. We don't want to be materialistic. We don't pursue the approval of others. We simply live in accordance with our values. We invest our resources in three things: Mission, Memories, and Time. When we do that, our house might not be as big as others'. Our cars might not be as new as others'. Our clothes might not be as flashy as others'.

On the flip side, we can give away a significant portion of our income to help people. We can travel the world and make endless memories with our kids. We can pay for things that free up time for our family to spend more time together. Those are world-class investments in my mind.

Living a Meaning Over Money life draws eyeballs. It makes people look at you like you're a bit off.....because you are. You're weird. You march to a different beat. In the world's eyes, people who live for meaning are odd ducks. I like being an odd duck, and I LOVE other odd ducks. Fellow odd ducks unite.

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Pancakes For the Table

In our culture, we tend to treat giving like something that's reserved for the few wealthy. Giving is something we do when we make a certain income, have a certain amount of assets, attain a certain standard of living, have enough to make a large gift, or never lack anything. In other words, giving is something someone else does, and for "me," I'm not there yet. Behavioral science tells us that we're not "there" yet because we know someone who is financially ahead of us. We're not able to give yet because "I can't afford it yet."

There's a fairly famous sports podcaster named Big Cat. He's a funny dude who regularly pops up in my social media feeds. He went viral for something he recently said on his show (talking about going to diners with friends):

"I always get pancakes for the table. Unlocks the whole menu. It's the best. Everyone who steps into a diner is thinking in their head, 'Should I do pancakes?' But you don't wanna just do pancakes; but you'd eat pancakes. So you get pancakes for the table."

This might be the best life hack I've ever heard!!!! I can confidently testify that I'll be enacting this practice at diners in the future. However, I didn't share this story to give diner ordering best practices. This is a form of giving. Giving doesn't have to be some monumental deal. Sometimes, giving looks like ordering pancakes for the table. A small little blessing. Something unexpected.

No, small gifts like this might not change the world. BUT small gifts like this can put a smile on someone's face, brighten someone's day. That's the beauty of giving. Small, creative acts, exhibited over time, have the potential to change someone's world. Today, maybe making an impact means someone can order the Denver Omelet AND enjoy big fluffy pancakes.

As for us, the givers, seeing the people in our sphere smile at unexpected bonus pancakes will surely put an even bigger smile on our faces. That's called meaning. I say it all the time, but the giver receives more than the recipient. In this case, the recipient gets delicious pancakes, but the giver's heart changes in some small way. I'd call that a win....a huge win.

Don't convince yourself that giving is something someone else does. Don't fool yourself into believing that giving isn't giving unless it's some big fancy gift. Sometimes, it's pancakes for the table.

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Interest Rates Over Grandkids

Before I begin, it's worth noting that the woman referenced in this post gave me permission to share this story. I would never intentionally hurt or demean anyone. She hopes it will serve as a good example for someone else in similar shoes.

About a year ago, a woman contacted me. I had never met her before, but she is an avid Meaning Over Money podcast listener. She said she felt like she already knew me, yet it was still awkward for her to reach out to a complete stranger for advice.

Here was her situation. She and her husband live across the country from their daughter and grandkids. After much discussion, everyone (her, her husband, her daughter, and her son-in-law) agreed they wanted the grandparents to relocate to be closer to the grandkids. This detail is important; everyone wanted this outcome. However, more than two years after making this decision, they still hadn't made the move. Why? "We can't afford it."

"Why can't you afford it?" I asked.

They have a 2.9% interest rate on their house, and if they sold it to move closer to family, they would lose this favorable mortgage. Based on the information she provided, this mortgage equates to approximately $1,500/month in value (compared to a market mortgage). However, there's another pertinent fact that needs to be mentioned: They CAN afford it. Their finances are in good shape. They've done well. They are well positioned.

When I asked her to clarify, she responded, "Well, I suppose we can afford it, but it would be a bad decision to sell. It would be stupid to walk away from that rate."

I wasn't trying to be a jerk, but I asked her if she could put a value on her grandkids. "Of course not! Family is priceless!"

"From what you're sharing, it sounds like your family is worth less than $1,500/month to you."

She stared at me for a while, contemplating what I had just insinuated. She IS putting a price tag on her family, and right now, they are less valuable than walking away from a $1,500/month mortgage benefit. "Wouldn't it be a bad financial decision?" she asked.

The moment we make all our decisions around money is the moment we've turned ourselves into robots. Sometimes, the best financial decision isn't the best decision, and sometimes the best decision isn't the best financial decision. That's why we call it Meaning Over Money. Meaning! Always meaning!

Nearly a year has passed since that original conversation, and she recently reached out. While it took another year of contemplation, she and her husband decided to sell the house (abandoning their attractive mortgage) and move closer to their daughter and grandkids. She regrets it took this long to make the right decision, but I reminded her of how many beautiful years they have ahead of them.

Please don't let black-and-white numbers come between you and the meaning you are called to pursue. Meaning and money oftentimes overlap, but when they don't, we have to choose meaning.

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Burying the Lead

I'm feeling sheepish today. My friend Dave rightfully called me out regarding my recent post titled Chess vs. Checkers. In it, I shared the story of a friend who planned to buy a used vehicle with cash, only to be talked into financing a much more expensive new vehicle by the dealership. As Dave put it, I "buried the lead." He was referring to the following excerpt toward the end of the piece:

"Further, he now has to tell his wife that he just signed up for a $765/month vehicle payment just one year after promising each other they wouldn't go back to playing the debt game (after grinding their way out of the last one)."

While Dave didn't disagree with the overarching piece, he believed this detail was the real story. Dave is correct that this man's decision to make a major financial decision without his wife's buy-in was a significant event that I undersold. Why did I whiff on this? It certainly wasn't intentional. After receiving Dave's e-mail, I figured out why: It's common! While Dave, countless others, and I think it's absolutely absurd that one spouse would make such a major financial decision without their spouse's buy-in, it's far too common.

In far too many families, spouses are living in little financial silos. Either couples run separate finances and split accounts, or one spouse makes major decisions without their partner's involvement. Both of these scenarios are destructive.....even when "it works for us," as people often like to say.

Regardless of how well someone believes separate finances or single decision-makers are working, I can practically guarantee they aren't doing as well as if they had combined finances and unified decision-making. The data shows this to be a near-universal truth, with exceptions limited to addiction and abuse. We are better together.....including our finances.

A newlywed client recently asked me about this very topic, as they were trying to navigate how best to combine their financial lives. Here are my cliff notes:

• No more "mine" and "yours." Everything is viewed through the lens of "ours." This includes income, assets, debt, expenses, etc.

• Regardless of who makes how much, whether 50/50 or 95/5, both spouses have an equal vote on what to do with the income.

• If a major decision needs to be made, no decision gets made until both spouses agree on the final decision. If there's disagreement, negotiations must continue.

• If a purchase falls within the scope of the monthly budget, spouses should have a green light to pull the trigger. That's what the budget is for, and so long as the purchase honors the spirit and boundaries of the budget, game on.

• Speaking of budget, both spouses should be involved in the setting of the budget each month. One spouse may create the budget, but the other needs to affirm and/or tweak.

• Set a dollar amount for purchases that need to be discussed. For Sarah and me, it's a few hundred bucks. If either of us is going to drop a few hundred bucks on a single purchase, we at least run it by the other. It's usually a 1-minute conversation, but the courtesy matters.

We're always better together. Let finances bring us together, not pull us apart. Good call-out, Dave! Appreciate you!

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An Unplanned Social Experiment

Through my own failure, I accidentally ventured into an unexpected social experiment. As mentioned in a previous post, we recently took an unplanned 5-month hiatus from the Meaning Over Money Podcast (SPOTIFY / APPLE). I'm happy to report that we're back! Episode 441 was published this week, and I'm excited for what's in store.

Back to our little experiment. Since we haven't been publishing new episodes, there was nobody captaining the ship, so to speak. No new content. No marketing. No direct influences. However, our 440-episode catalog remained in cyberspace on all major podcasting platforms. In other words, we have an unobstructed, uninfluenced data set about what people were listening to over the past few months. And since we haven't even mentioned the podcast since March, all podcast activity is purely organic.

I pulled the data yesterday to see what episodes were most downloaded over the past 90 days, and the top 10 were far above the most popular pieces of published content we have. I'll share them in order below, but I think it gives a fairly accurate glimpse into what's on people's minds. A finger on the cultural pulse. Here they are, in order:

1. 362 - Cole and Travis Talk Life and Money: Lifting the Lid on What's Really Happening Under Roofs

2. 306 - Simple Steps to Set Up A Taxable Investment Account: It's Easier Than You Think!

3. 287 - Controlling Dining Out Without It Controlling You

4. 403 - Just Buy the Shoes: A Guilt-Free Blueprint to Overcome Financial Hoarding

5. 433 - More Is Never Enough: How the Curse of More Can (and Will) Hunt Us Down

6. 410 - Life Insurance 101: A Little Morbid But a Lot Important

7. 418 - How to Have a Midlife Crisis That's Not a Midlife Crisis

8. 270 - "I Regret Buying a House": What to Do When You Realize You Made the Wrong Decision

9. 234 - Stop Focusing On the HOW: Embracing the WHAT and WHY will direct our HOW

10. 241 - Congrats on NOT Getting the Job: Why Not All Promotions Are Good Promotions

As you can see from the episode numbers, this isn't the result of recency bias. In fact, two of the top 10 episodes were published more than three years ago. That leads me to believe people are searching for keywords related to these topics and stumbling into our content along the way.

As I scan this list of topics, it closely correlates with many of the conversations I’ve been having with families through my work. I can think of at least a handful of families when I see each of these topics, each trying to navigate this crazy journey between work, money, and meaning. Here’s my encouragement today. Whatever you’re dealing with, you’re not alone. Whatever struggles you’re battling, you’re not a failure. Whatever issues you’re trying to manage, it’s not just a “you” thing. This is all part of the human experience. Everyone is trying to navigate their own junk, despite how it might appear on their social media highlight reel. Keep moving forward, and don’t be scared to talk to others.

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Ingratitude: Don’t Let It Poison You

I've developed a fun tradition over the years. I regularly stay at a handful of specific hotels while traveling for business. Every time I check out, I gift the hotel's morning staff a bottle of Northern Vessel CBL.

I'm proud of the product we've created, and I find it to be a fun little way to bless people who would never expect it. As time passed, the hotel staff started lighting up when they saw me, suspecting there might be a bottle of CBL to enjoy. They have always been grateful and gracious with me. It's been a true joy. Then, something happened......

One of my regular hotels experienced some staffing turnover. A few visits ago, I met a new woman at the desk during my check-out. When I gifted her a bottle, she simply said, "Okay, I'll put it in the fridge." No reaction, no thank you. Well, that's okay, I justified to myself. She doesn't know me or anything about NV. No big deal. On the following visit, the same woman was at the desk. As I checked out, I gave her a bottle. "Oh, it's you again. I'll put it in the back," she said with an emotionless face, then she just turned around and walked away.

Nothing snuffs out the joy of generosity like ingratitude. I was discouraged in the moment. However, that doesn't invalidate my gift. The recipient's reaction shouldn't be the ultimate measuring stick of our act. Rather, it's an output, a signal. The spirit behind the gift should always remain the key input.

Guess how many more times I'll drop a bottle of CBL at that hotel. Somewhere between zero and maybe I'll consider it. Feeling the cloud of ingratitude doesn't make me want to be less generous, but it does make me reconsider the targets of my generosity. Generosity should never be stifled, just redirected.

As such, I'll find new recipients for my giving. I'll seek to serve those who want to be served. I'll eagerly look for the grateful, while simultaneously avoiding those who exhibit ingratitude. That's not a punishment or vindictiveness. It's my attempt to be a good steward with what I've been blessed with.

Many of you have had your joy of generosity snuffed out by ingratitude. Maybe it was a friend. Maybe it was a family member. Maybe it was a stranger in need. Maybe it was your church. The pain of ingratitude can run deep.....and it can linger. There's no way around that, but it doesn't have to dampen our desire to be joyfully and sacrificially generous. Generosity always wins. Sometimes, though, we need to change it up. Keep giving. Always keep giving.

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She Forgot the Drink, But…..

I recently received a phone call from a long-lost friend. Nothing dramatic; just a friend whom I lost contact with a decade ago after we stopped seeing each other on a day-to-day basis. The reason for the call? She recently checked out Northern Vessel for the first time and wanted to share her thoughts with me.

"Thanks so much for stopping in! That means a lot. What drink did you try?" I asked.

"I don't even remember what drink I had. All I can remember is how that place made me feel! It was a weird experience. Not weird in a bad way. Weird in the best way. I was just treated so well! Your team treated me like I was their family."

I will never get over hearing these stories. Our mission at Northern Vessel is to offer people world-class hospitality through coffee. Our team is amazing. They buy into the mission. Not only do they hold the standard, but in many ways, they keep raising it.

My friend's feedback reminds me of a saying that has stuck with me for years: "They might not remember what you said, but they will remember how you made them feel."

This woman called me to rave about our coffee shop, yet couldn't remember a thing about her drink. It was a feeling. It was an experience. It touched her. It moved her. That doesn't happen by accident. That happened because of how our team conducted themselves, truly saw her, showed intention, met her where she was at, and exhibited genuine hospitality.

This isn't about coffee; this is about life! Regardless of what work you're in, who you serve, or how you serve them, the "how you make them feel" part will be the lingering takeaway years after you're gone. That will be the lasting impression you leave on this culture. Anyone can offer good service and execute a task. However, the bigger question is whether we're willing to take it one step further and give people something to remember. They might not remember your proverbial drink, but they will most certainly remember how you made them feel.

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Injury Timeout

My apologies to the daily readers who expected an e-mail in their inbox at 6AM this morning. I had some fun topic ideas for today, but last night didn't go as expected. Our family was in the midst of a ridiculously fun experience (concert and fireworks on the lake) when I suffered a freak accident. I sustained a scary (but hopefully not serious) head injury. Fortunately, it was toward the end of the night. Unfortunately, everything after that is a blur. Needless to say, I simply didn't have the capacity to formulate my thoughts and produce an article.

Every experience in life is worthy of learning, though, right? Every interaction, circumstance, and experience is potential content for learning, growth, and, of course, writing. So, what does any of this have to do with anything?

I think life is just so dang delicate. One minute we can be having the most beautiful time with our loved ones, and the next, we're in the midst of a scary situation. Just like that. A snap of the fingers. One second fine, the next, anything but fine.

This will resonate with many, as our lives are filled with these moments where everything changes. A diagnosis. A text message. A boom. A dreaded phone call. News we never saw coming. We're in the midst of a normal, mundane day, then mere seconds later, we're living a nightmare.

That's what came to mind as I've been trying to rally from last night's scary accident. Don't take anything for granted. Be grateful for all of it. Embrace the moment. It's all special, and it's all fragile.

See you tomorrow with some new ideas! I have a lot of fun stuff in store.

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Full-Circle Dinners

I began doing financial coaching about 10 years ago, starting as a personal ministry. I knew I could help people, and I knew people needed help, so I used whatever giftings God gave me to serve people in that area of life.

During one of my first coaching sessions, I told the couple that when they got out of debt, we would go out for a celebratory dinner at any restaurant in the metro they wanted, my treat. I thought it was a great little impulsive idea, so I repeated the same line to every couple I coached. These couples had tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars of consumer debt. Student loans, car loans, credit cards, medical debt….so much debt! Over the years, I've had dozens of debt-free dinners, my treat. We've done fancy steakhouses, old-school Italian, swanky French, and countless others. Those dinners are so much fun, and they're a great way to memorialize the hard counter-cultural work people have done on this financial journey. Dozens of times, I've been able to raise a glass and toast these couples' beautiful achievements.

During one of those earliest coaching meetings, I also said something else, tongue-in-cheek. The debt-free dinner is at any restaurant they choose, my treat. Then, someday, when they become millionaires, we'll go to any restaurant I want, their treat. It was more of a half-joke than anything; my attempt to bring humor and optimism to the otherwise heavy conversation. Think of it as a seed planted. After all, these were often couples buried in debt, struggling with finances, and feeling the tension in their marriage because of it. The mere idea of becoming millionaires felt far-fetched......but what if? I don’t actually think reaching this arbitrary status is some important endeavor, but it grounds people in optimism. What if?

Years later, I'm starting to receive phone calls from current and former clients:

"It's time to schedule our millionaire dinner. Where are we going, Travis?"

"Travis, what's your favorite restaurant? It's almost time for our million-dollar dinner?"

Or this text I recently received: "I'm not sure how it happened, but we did it! This doesn't even feel real, but it looks like we owe you a fancy dinner."

Progress often feels slow in the moment. However, after a while, we'll have that little moment where we look down the mountain from which we climbed, only to realize that we've made far more progress than we ever thought possible.

Step by step, day by day, decision by decision, sacrifice by sacrifice. Nothing is easy, but it can be simple. The key is stepping back far enough to recognize that small steps (eventually) yield profound progress. These full-circle dinners are a beautiful reminder of that for me. What once was full of pain, tension, and suffering can slowly blossom into something that never seemed fathomable. We ought not forget that, especially on the hard days when success feels anything but possible.

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The Hardest Pill to Swallow

A few days ago, after my post about how we will all receive hate (whether reasonable, unreasonable, or for made-up reasons), I woke up to two things:

1. More unsubscribes than any other day in the 4-year history of this blog, and

2. More email responses than any other day in the 4-year history of this blog, including this gem:

"Hate is deserved. People earn it. It's what you get when you are disgusting and evil. If people don't want to be hated, they shouldn't act like pieces of s*#&. Your post served no point, try again."

I happen to have this person's phone number, so I called him to discuss. I won't share our entire conversation, but I do have permission to share this piece:

Me: "Do you think I am disgusting and evil?"

Him: "Of course not. Doesn't everyone love you?"

Me: "Haha, I suppose some do, but that probably doesn't count the people who have threatened to harm my children or publicly tried to burn my business to the ground. Do you think you're disgusting and evil?"

Him: "You know I'm not. I'm a good person. I'm not hurting anyone."

Me: "Well, I personally know at least two people who despise you so much that they would probably pay good money to see your marriage disintegrate, your business disappear, and your life destroyed. They hate your guts."

Him: "What are you talking about?!?! I haven't done anything to deserve that!!!!"

Me: "I agree. I know you're a decent guy who is trying to do the right thing. I know you mean well. I know your heart. I don't think these people are being reasonable at all. But this is exactly what I was talking about in that post!"

The conversation lasted another 30 minutes after that, and by the time we concluded, I think he understood what I was trying to communicate in that post. This is indeed a hard pill to swallow. The fact that there WILL be people who hate us to a spine-tingling degree is so difficult to grasp. Perhaps our world has always been this way, but either way, it seems to have trended more in this direction in recent years.

As I previously wrote, I don't say all this to discourage people or spark the very hate I'm trying to condemn. Rather, I want to double down on my original point that if what I'm saying about people hating us either way is true, we ought to do the things we're called to do, serve the people we're called to serve, build the things we're called to build, create the things we're called to create, and engage in the work we're called to pursue.  

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Chicken or Egg?

I recently stumbled upon a heated online conversation on a social media platform. The original poster posed a question: "If so many people are struggling right now, why are there so many people with brand-new vehicles parked in their driveways?" It seemed counterintuitive, as these new vehicles are presumably evidence that people are doing well.

Let's just say the comments were lively. Hundreds of people chimed in, positively confirming that most people are, in fact, doing great. The commenters believed they, individually, were simply part of the small share of people who are struggling, while everyone else is thriving.

I have news to break to them (and anyone else who will listen). Those brand-new vehicles sitting in people's driveways aren't evidence that people are doing great. Rather, those same vehicles are one of the primary culprits for why people are struggling so much. People's vehicles are putting them into a financial grave, month after month.

I recently met with a successful-looking couple who, from the outside, appear to have it all put together. They are fit, their kids are cute, their house is immaculate, they have good jobs, and they both drive new vehicles. The subject of the conversation? How they can stay financially afloat and not lose everything. Truth be told, their monthly finances didn't contain many red flags. Lots of normal, but not outlandish spending allocations. However, there were two major red flags.....and both were parked in their garage:

• His vehicle: $1,100/month payment

• Her vehicle: $850/month payment

Total vehicle payments of $1,950. In my brain, that's called a mortgage payment. Two thousand bucks for vehicles!?!? Both assured me that 1) they can afford them, 2) they are perfectly reasonable vehicles, and 3) everyone else has at least as nice vehicles as they do.

They aren't alone. This is a dynamic I see every single week in my coaching work. I've met with hundreds of families, and vehicle tension is the leading contributor to financial pain, suffering, tension, stress, and destruction. Not a lack of income, student loan debt, a failure to budget, or limited financial literacy. Vehicles. Vehicles are literally milking an entire society dry.

Many people who read this piece will roll their eyes at me. This topic often draws the ire of those who digest my content daily. That's okay, though, as this message needs to be shared over and over and over. I so badly want people to live a quality of life, and if I can get them to make different decisions in this vehicle department, I strongly believe it will have a direct positive impact on their quality of life.

We need more humility. We need more patience. We need to care a whole lot less about what others think. That's the ticket to some beautiful things in our lives. Please don't allow a vehicle to play a significant role in your journey. It can play a role, but not a leading role. You deserve better; much, much better!

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“Is This Heaven?”

"Is this heaven?"

"No, it's Iowa."

We watched Field of Dreams during a recent family movie night. I've been waiting 10 years to show this one to the boys, and man, it didn't disappoint! I was a little nervous that they would find it boring or too slow-moving, but they both gave it a 10/10.

After the movie, I asked them what they liked most about the movie. Pax already had the answer on the tip of his tongue: "How he wanted to play catch with his dad at the end."

I about melted! That is also my favorite scene. I remember watching that scene when my kids were just babies. I melted then, too, knowing I had two little boys swaddled next to me, and someday, I might get to play catch with them.

A simple act of catch. Two gloves, a ball, the sound of birds chirping, and a silent understanding that this moment matters. It's the perfect illustration of the beauty of life.

We're about to go on two family vacations in the weeks to come, and all I can think about is how badly I want to live in the moment and maximize the experiences I get with our little family.

Every little moment counts. Life doesn't have to offer these big, massive events for us to savor the beauty of the moment. Even the small things, the mundane things, the uneventful things can trigger experiences and create memories that will go to the grave with us.

Don't look past the opportunity to create moments and memories with your kids. Time goes too fast, and we don't want to let too much time pass before we realize some of the most amazing opportunities of our lives stand before us in the present.

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Discouraged, But Not Destroyed

I often discuss the importance of sinking funds. If you're new to the concept, a sinking fund is a named savings account with a specific purpose. Funding said savings account is baked into the rhythm of a monthly budget, slowly building up over time for its eventual use. These types of accounts work great for lumpy expenses:

• Car Maintenance

• Medical Expenses

• Travel Costs

• House Repairs

• Kids Activities

• Vet Bills

Here's how to know if something in your life would make for a great sinking fund. If a certain expense could smack you in the face out of nowhere and, in doing so, immediately sabotage your finances, that would make a great sinking fund.

This brings me to my day. In a few hours, I will load my car onto a tow trailer and sit next to a tow-truck driver for a 4.5-hour trek back home. The cost for this marvelous tow / Uber ride? $750. Yeah, it's gonna suck. I drove my 350Z to the cattle ranch this week, and as I was nearing my destination, I heard some unpleasant sounds coming from the engine. There's a chance my engine is toast.....there's a chance it isn't. We'll have to wait until after my $750 tow to find out. It's a mess. I'm frustrated. I'm discouraged. The good news, though, is that I've been funding my car maintenance sinking fund each month for the past 21 years.

Today could have wrecked my finances. It could have imploded us and caused tremendous tension in my marriage. Instead, thanks to the sinking fund, it's just going to be really, really frustrating. We have about $1,400 in our sinking fund ready for such an occasion. I'm grateful we had the discipline to fund this sinking fund each month, even when more enjoyable options were on the table.

Sinking funds are game-changers. In fact, many coaching clients tell me that setting up sinking funds was one of the biggest decisions they made during their ongoing financial journeys. Perhaps it's time to set one up today.....

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“They Are Spending My Inheritance!!!”

I was recently hanging out with a group of Millennials and Gen Xers when one of them started talking about her parents' European cruise. As she was describing it, it sounded pretty fun! Bouncing from country to country, different cultures, varying cuisines, beautiful landscapes. What's not to like?!?! However, perhaps I was being dense, but I wasn't immediately picking up the point of her story. That is, until she ended it with this bomb: "They are spending my inheritance!!!!"

Excuse me, what?!?! A grown independent woman is venting about how her parents are on a cruise, lamenting that they are spending her future money. I was stunned by this, and part of me was bracing for the verbal backlash she was about to get from the others in the group (please go easy on her, friends!!!).

Well, I was apparently too dense to pick up on that next part as well. Most people in the group agreed with her! Several people shared stories about how their inheritance is being eaten up by their parents' financial decisions.

If you know me, you know I don't believe in financial inheritances to begin with. However, that's just my personal perspective, and people can do what they want. That said, my personal opinion doesn't prevent me from saying what I'm about to say next: We don't have the right to count other people's money and bank on receiving anything from anyone. We're not entitled to anything in this life.....especially gifts received upon someone's passing. I find that mindset to be disgustingly abhorrent.

I've watched this mindset play out for years in my professional work. It can be destructive in people's lives. For example, if someone KNOWS they will eventually receive a large financial gift as an inheritance, it can often be psychologically debilitating. When we know how the story ends (i.e., I'm going to receive a huge sum of money), it undercuts our need and motivation to figure it out ourselves. This can be a crippling force in our lives. I can't even express to you how hard it is to coach couples that have known upcoming windfalls. It's hard enough to change habits when there's much riding on it, never mind when there's an offramp to easyville dangling in our future. I get it; nobody is going to pull out the mini violins for people who will one day receive millions. But when you see it as often and up close as I do, it's sad! I have so much empathy for those folks. They've been unknowingly robbed of something so important in life.

Today's takeaway is two-pronged:

• To the younger generation: Don't expect anything. Live your lives as if you'll receive nothing. Figure it out. Work hard. Be disciplined. Practice delayed gratification. Save for the future. Know that you need to carve your own path. You can do it!

• To the older generation: Please don't psychologically cripple your children. Don't dangle carrots that will hinder their growth and eradicate their aspirations. Don't give them an offramp to easyville. If you want to give, consider giving earlier, while you're still alive, during a season where your generosity can genuinely help them. That could be a true blessing.

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Enjoy the Suck

If all goes well, by year-end, one of my clients will have paid off approximately $50,000 of consumer debt in about 18 months. Two vehicles and a collection of student loans; normal stuff! They don't realize it yet, but their lives are about ready to shift into an exciting and unprecedented new realm. Nothing will ever be the same.

Whenever I bring up the idea of paying off debt to couples, most people say some variation of, "I don't want to throw away x years of my life." Translation: the only way to pay off debt is to not spend money on fun, and not spending money on fun is akin to wasting life and living in misery. Therefore, the juice isn't worth the squeeze. They would rather just enjoy life while they can, and kick the can down the road.

I've watched dozens (or hundreds) of families turn their backs on a significantly better life simply because they don't want to endure a season of sacrifice. The long-term implications of those decisions are catastrophic.

I have a little secret for you. Making sacrifices for a season to achieve a goal doesn't have to be a soul-sucking, fun-hating, misery-inducing journey. Sarah and I spent 4.5 years paying off $236,000 of crappy debt. It was the first 4.5 years of our marriage. And to be honest, the life we lived was pretty dang awesome. Did we make sacrifices? Oh yeah, brutal sacrifices. However, those sacrifices didn't define our quality of life or the meaning we experienced. Our standard of living sure suffered, but the quality of life was outstanding. We enjoyed the suck!

Today, when I look at young couples like my client mentioned above, I can't help but smile, knowing something they don't yet know. What lies on the other side of cleaning up this debt mess is a life they never knew existed. I can testify that this young couple hasn't stopped living life. In fact, I think they enjoy the suck, too! They have threaded the needle of making massive sacrifices while also enjoying their young marriage. In a few years, they will thank their former selves for paying the price for their freedom.

Enjoy the suck! Whatever sacrifice current you needs to make for future you to have a better life, do it! Don't wait. Life can be hard now or life can be hard later.......choose your hard. Sarah and I chose to enjoy the suck early. My young friends chose to enjoy the suck early. What will you choose? There's no better time to go for it than today.

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Exhibit #975

I talk often about the hidden psychological forces that influence our daily habits and decision-making. These hidden forces play a much larger role in our lives than we'd like to admit, and most people won't admit it. Today, I'd like to talk about Exhibit #975. Is it really #975? Not sure....I'm just guessing at this point!

I recently stumbled upon a social media video in which a woman asked, "If you were offered a free vacation, but you weren't allowed to post any photos of the vacation on social media, would you still go?" She continued by saying that she would feel that a trip without social media photos would be "a waste," and thus would decline.

My first reaction to her question was, "Of course I’d go! In fact, I'd prefer not to share a single photo of my trip! Double win!"

I saw lots of similar remarks in her comments. However, the vast majority of people agreed with her. If you can't post photos of your trip on social media, what's the point? Thousands of people chimed in, arguing that there's not much of a point in going on a vacation if you can't share content from it. Many people said they'd rather pay to go on the same trip so they can post whatever they want.

Depending on the study, 45%-55% of Millennials and Gen Z care about their vacations looking good on social media. Some even select their travel destinations solely for the aesthetics of the soon-to-be social media posts. In other surveys, approximately 20% of people admit to posting photos to boast, while another 10% admit to posting photos to incite jealousy from their friends, family, and colleagues. Here’s another fun one. 75% of people say they get annoyed when friends and family post vacation photos, yet even so, 75% of those annoyed people will do the same by posting their own photos. It’s a social media arms race of vacation photos!

We, humans, are a weird bunch. Now, regardless of what side of the aisle you land on with this question, this is another piece of evidence illustrating just how much we're being influenced by culture. You and I might not be struck by this particular ridiculous affliction, but we're struck by some other, equally ridiculous afflictions. Somewhere, deep down in our psyche, we're being manipulated by a combination of our culture and our subconscious.

Maybe it's the vehicles we're buying. Maybe it's the houses we're living in. Maybe it's the clothes we're wearing. Maybe it's the clubs we're joining. Maybe it's the technology we're using. I'm not suggesting that we ought to stop being impacted by these forces. If we're human, it's inescapable. Instead, what I'm suggesting is that we become aware of it in our own lives. Once we have awareness, we can take it into account in our decision-making process and make better choices.

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