Celebrate

Last night was our Northern Vessel team Christmas party. In all the chaos of the holiday season, it was fun to slow down and celebrate the awesome year we've had together. Lots of laughs. Lots of stories. Lots of optimism for what's to come.

At the same time, however, it's been a brutal few weeks for me. Between the neck injury, basement flood, loss of memory for nearly a week, perpetual neck and back pain, and the loss of lots of income due to my incapacitation, it doesn't necessarily feel like a time to celebrate. However, I celebrated. Regardless of how much crap I've gone through recently, there's always something to celebrate.

More than anything, I'm just trying to approach life through the lens of gratitude. It's so easy for me to wallow in my own self-pity, but if I'm really honest with myself, I'm blessed beyond belief. Last night, I chose to celebrate.

My pain is somewhat overwhelming at the moment, so I'm going to keep this short. I know you probably have your fair share of junk, baggage, and pain following you around. For whatever truth lies in that statement, just know I have a ton of empathy for you. At the same time, I bet you have countless things to be grateful for. Whatever that is, celebrate it. Don't gloss over the fact that you have so many blessings in your life.

Let's celebrate this season. When things are great, celebrate. When things feel absolutely terrible, celebrate. Always celebrate. I don't know what the next few weeks have in store for me, but even if I'm completely bedridden, I'm gonna celebrate. I hope you do the same.

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Coffee, Milk, Sugar, and ___

My apologies for not responding to the flood of messages I've received from this week's posts. It's been challenging to reply in my current physical condition, but I'm grateful for all the comments and insights, and I look forward to going through them soon!!

I received an interesting text on the heels of my recent post about how we need to think about impact, not inputs. In the post, I discussed my chiropractor through two different lenses. On one hand, his $50 fee for a 7-minute adjustment means I'm paying him $240/hour for his time. I think that's a lame way to look at life. On the other hand, you could view the $50 as an investment toward having a functional body to increase your quality of life. Impact, not inputs.

Here's the text message I received after publishing that article: "That thought process may work for some things, but not most. At the end of the day a coffee is a coffee. There's no way to spin that one. You're buying a commodity, simple as that."

Ouch! Is that true? Is a coffee a coffee? TJ, my Northern Vessel co-owner, and I talk about this often! Here's how we think about it. We're not actually a coffee company. We're a hospitality company that happens to serve coffee. Hospitality is the core of what we do. It's our blank canvas. And the coffee is our paint.

If we're really going to boil this down, a typical coffee drink is just some ratio of three inputs: coffee, milk, and sugar. Three commodities blended into a finished commodity-ish product. There are hundreds of places to get a latte in every city, never mind the cheaper and more convenient coffee alternatives we have in our own homes. If what my friend is saying is true, why would people tirelessly wait in a line 30 people deep at a shop that arguably has the highest prices in the state?

Let's just pretend we have the best drinks in the city. Even then, the high prices combined with the massive lines would surely dampen our customer flow if people were simply there to buy a coffee, a commodity.

Which brings us back to my original thesis. We're not a coffee company. We're a hospitality company that sells coffee. What we sell is an experience, a feeling, a community. We want to offer people an experience that could be the highlight of their day. We hope the coffee is amazing, too, but it goes so much deeper than that.

We received this comment on an Instagram post yesterday:

"The coffee is amazing but I would stop here even if it wasn't because of how I feel when I walk in and how I feel when I leave." I don't know this woman, but her beautiful sentence stabs me right in the heart and synthesizes thousands of hours of work we've put into this. I'm so touched by her words, and I'm grateful she gave our team an opportunity to brighten her day.

Every single product or service we buy or sell, WITHOUT EXCEPTION, must be viewed through the lens of impact, not inputs. It goes so much deeper, and that depth is what turns business from something seemingly boring and sterile to life-giving beauty.

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When the Brain Isn't Braining

My neck and back injury has only gotten worse as the week progressed, reaching a point yesterday where it started impacting my cognitive ability. My brain doesn't seem to be braining right now. It's a surreal experience to be aware, in the moment, that the brain isn't firing on all cylinders. The amount of pain and discomfort I have in my neck is overwhelming my system.

It's wild how much we take for granted the "normal" in our lives. Normal gets a bad wrap because normal can feel boring. However, boring is good. I so badly wish I could have "normal" right now. I wish I could just be me, just living my life. I would give literally anything to be normal again.

All around me, I'm watching folks experience the loss of normal: layoffs, terminal illness diagnoses, loss of family members, and other painful moments. If you're living your normal life today, big props to you. Please don't overlook that or take it for granted. Your normal, despite its challenges and shortcomings, is still awesome.

I pray for normal in my life. I pray to feel better. I pray to be up and about. I pray for my brain to start braining. This isn't a sob story, or a call for pity. Rather, it's an opportunity to shine the light on how we shouldn't take normal for granted. We shouldn't wish it away. We shouldn't demean it in comparison to someone else's.

I hope to write to you tomorrow with a fresher head and more complete thoughts, but for today, this is probably the best I got. I hope you have a great (and normal!!!!) day.

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Memories Don’t Discriminate

Earlier this week, Sarah and I took the boys to see Elf in the movie theater. It was one of those cool theaters where they serve you dinner during the movie. The real magic happened the night before, though, when we shared the news of this upcoming family outing. Both boys immediately screamed in excitement and jumped wildly around the kitchen. Blood-curdling screams of euphoria. Eardrum-piercing screams of joy. To go watch a 20+ year-old movie they've seen a dozen times.

Memories don't discriminate. Those boys reacted as if we were surprising them with a trip to Disney, except our surprise cost $80, not $8,000. I know I beat on this drum often, but I don't think there are enough reps to appropriately make this point. Memories are memories because they are memories. We need not spend tons of money to create them. Financial resources are NOT the prerequisite to memories. Memories don't discriminate.

We're living in a time where more and more people feel frustrated and defeated. Families are struggling financially. The tension is tightly wound. It can sometimes feel like it's all too much.

I hate that for everyone living in that reality. At the same time, however, I want to encourage parents to create memories regardless of financial resources. Sure, expensive memories are expensive, but affordable memories are affordable. At the end of the day, however, memories don't discriminate. Years down the road, your kids won't remember how much (or how little) a memory cost their parents. All they will know is how the memory made them feel.

As such, create, create, create. Use whatever creativity and resources you do have to create the coolest memories possible for your family. Don't give up or feel defeated. Drive around and look at Christmas lights. Go get hot chocolates and watch the carolers. Open Netflix and snuggle up to a holiday classic on the couch. Make tree ornaments or gingerbread houses. Volunteer together at a local shelter or food pantry. Find a big hill to sled. Just make memories! Memories don't discriminate.

Regardless of where you stand financially this season, you have an opportunity to make this the best Christmas season ever, abounding in memories and experiences. Make it happen, and enjoy the ride!

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Forced Simplicity: Flood Edition

In the midst of trying to regain normal functionality in my neck and back, our family was hit with a devastating event yesterday. While the kids were getting ready for school, I ran down to my home office to address a quick client issue. As I walked down the stairs, I was met with a flooded basement. Wow. Just wow.

Over the next 30 minutes, Sarah, the boys, and I frantically moved every item out of the impacted rooms. Let's just say it was a disaster! Some of the items were in tubs, but not all. A LOT of things were completely soaked.

Yeah, the entire thing is absolutely gutting. It's miserable to say the least. However, Sarah and I are trying to find the silver lining in a terrible situation. Remember how I recently wrote about my newfound interest in minimalism and the pursuit of simplicity? Well, this brutal flood experience is forcing us to simplify.

Whether we like it or not, we are now forced to purge stuff as a result of the water damage. Sarah spent the better part of the day going through all the boxes and tubs that were exposed to the water. It was ultimately a beautiful exercise. Lots of stuff got tossed, even more will be donated to other kids/families, and some we'll keep. Fast forward to next week, and our lives will inevitably be simpler.

While Sarah and I were lamenting the horror of the entire situation, we both acknowledged that the basement will never be the same after this.....and that's a great thing. Simplicity, even when forced, can be a great thing.

I can't say I appreciate all this happening to us, but as I always try to remember, blessings come from even the worst of situations. I've already begun the process of simplifying my life, and now, Sarah just might buy into it as well. It's going to be a long process to get back to normal, but I fully believe we'll be better for it.

While I don't wish any bad upon you, when (not if) it strikes your household, I pray you find (and embrace) the silver lining in it. We can't avoid pain altogether, but we can commit to using a piece of it for good.

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Health vs. Wealth

I recently read an article about how, at the time of publishing, the world's richest man fell ill and quickly passed away at a fairly early age. He was in his 40s. The spirit of the article was his friends and family acknowledging that none of that wealth really meant anything. He was gone, forever.

The very same day, I stumbled upon a tweet by a deca-millionaire. He's the founder of multiple start-ups and is known as a tremendously successful (and wealthy) entrepreneur. He had just been diagnosed with stage four cancer in his mid-40s. The tweet, in essence, stated that he would give up everything he's ever earned or achieved in exchange for his health.

Health vs. wealth. It's an interesting dynamic, and one we don't think about until it's thrust upon us. Three days ago, I threw my back out. I've been riding the struggle bus for days, which has only worsened. At the moment, I can't even turn my head in either direction—utter misery for days on end. In my current state, my quality of life is approximately zero. I'm a shell of my normal self. As I sit here in dire pain, I'd give up literally anything to feel healthy again.

Isn't it interesting how our natural human instinct is always to give up the material trappings of this world for the sake of our health? What does that tell us? What should it tell us? For me, It's another reminder that meaning always supercedes money. Even when we act and behave as though it doesn't, at the core of our being, we know there's more to life than money. Sometimes, though, it takes a harsh and scary reminder of our mortality to trigger that human instinct.

Here's the irony of this post. Some people will read it, and it will hit far too close to home. You'll immediately think about your current or previous health afflictions and violently nod your head up and down in affirmation of my words. Others, who haven't yet experienced significant health concerns, will think to themselves, "Sure, sure, but I'll take the wealth!"

Perspective changes everything. In an ideal world, I'd love for everyone to get a healthy dose of perspective change without having to endure the pain, suffering, and unknowns of major health crises. Appreciating good health and knowing it always trumps money, stuff, and status is a super hack to life. When we truly appreciate good health, daily life takes on an entirely different meaning.

Here's to a safe, healthy, and fulfilling holiday season. I hope you and those closest to you stay well!

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The Home Stretch

With the passing of Thanksgiving, we're officially in the home stretch toward the Christmas / New Year's holiday. For decades, I've lamented how the season seems to be over in the blink of an eye. That frustration only grew after I became a father. I want to savor it, enjoy it, and milk every ounce of holiday spirit I can out of it. Inevitably, though, it passes too quickly.

I think one of the key contributors to this phenomenon is the fact we become even busier than usual. Holiday get-togethers, work functions, shopping, and a number of other activities speed us up to an unprecedented pace. This pace, combined with the stress it can create, causes time to speed up.

Over the past few years, I've attempted to combat this phenomenon by intentionally slowing down my schedule. Specifically, I've implemented a few different strategies:

• Get the shopping done early. Nothing good happens when shopping the few days before Christmas.

• Set a hard stop date. Sarah and I negotiate a date that will be a hard stop for my work travel. Once that date arrives, I'm locked down with my family through the end of the year.

• Say no. Adding festive holiday events to the calendar may seem like a fun and jolly idea, but we say no. There's nothing better than having the freedom and an empty calendar to play the evenings by ear with the family. Movies, Christmas lights, and other last-minute adventures await.

• NYE is a no-go. I block out the entire day on New Year's Eve to reflect, plan, and set myself up for an awesome year to come. That's become one of my favorite days of the year.

• Think 30 years from now. 30 years from now, will you remember that meeting you attended, or the memory you created with your kids? Act accordingly.

I'm excited for this holiday season, but as always, I'm nervous I'll find a way to screw it up. However, if I can try to follow my own guidelines above, I have a chance to really make it a special season for my family. Wish me luck, and I'll wish you luck as well! I pray you're able to slow it down and enjoy every bit of the holiday spirit, too!

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The Anti-Pain Superpower

We've experienced some really tough stuff this year in the Shelton household. 11 months in, and it's safe to say it's not all roses and sunshine over here. Such is life, though.

I do, however, possess a superpower that more than makes up for all this pain. It's called gratitude. Despite all the challenges, I'm tremendously optimistic and content with my life. Gratitude does that to a person. Instead of focusing on all the things we don't have, we can be thankful for all the things we do have. It's a small but powerful shift that can change everything.

We can choose to dwell on the pain, to wallow in the misfortune, to bathe in our own misery. That option is on the table, and it's an option many will elect. The alternative is to simply be grateful. No, not to ignore the pain or to minimize the hurt and misfortune in our lives; that's very real. Rather, to draw a line in the sand and say that despite all of it, we're grateful for all that we do have in this season of life.

I could spout off all the unfair things that have happened to me this year (while the world's tiniest violin plays in the background), but the truth is, I'm quite blessed. I'm beyond blessed. I'm outsized blessed.

Today, as we observe Thanksgiving here in America, I hope you choose gratitude as well. Yeah, there are a lot of things that haven't gone well for you this year. But instead of dwelling on those, please remember how many amazing things you do have in your life right now. Too many to count, I'm sure. Never forget how blessed you are by the things you do have. Happy Thanksgiving, all!!

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An Actually Positive TikTok Challenge

Whenever the phrase "TikTok challenge" is mentioned, anything that comes next is going to be disgusting. Two cars crashing through our Northern Vessel shop doors is great evidence of that.

Today, however, I want to share an actually positive TikTok challenge with you. As I was scrolling through my feed recently, I stumbled upon an awesome little clip. A parent, on the backside of the camera, asked their child, in camera view, a simple question: "What did you get for Christmas last year?"

The kid had a deer-in-headlights look. You could see his little brain working overtime to process this question. After about five seconds, nothing. He couldn't think of a single gift he received last Christmas.

The parent then asked another question: "Where did we go on vacation this year?"

The boy's eyes lit up, and he quickly started listing off all the adventures they went on and memories they made. His little mouth couldn't keep up with his brain. It was almost like he was reliving those memories in real time.

Interesting, isn't it? I've now seen dozens of these videos pop up in my feed, each with similar results. Kid after kid after kid went blank when asked about receiving physical gifts, but then immediately lit up with excitement when asked about experiences and memories.

Experiences over things. This is one of the hallmark principles of living a meaningful life. There's certainly nothing wrong with stuff. We all have some stuff in our lives. Cool stuff. But the stuff isn't what will ultimately provide us with meaning. It's the experiences and memories that add a richness to life that's unparalleled. Yeah, the science proves this to be true. Over and over, science has proven this. However, I'm not asking you to even trust the science. Trust the faces of your kids. They will tell you everything you need to know.

Happy shopping!

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I’ll Show You, But….

About a decade ago, a casual friend approached me and asked if I would help him and his wife "build wealth" so they could retire in their 40s and "finally enjoy life."

"I'll show you, but that's not the solution to your problem."

He hated his job, and his wife similarly hated hers. They were running the race and wanted it to end as quickly as possible. In their minds, having a ton of money and quitting work as soon as they could was the answer.

After much coaxing, I agreed to help them. I showed them the principles that would undoubtedly help them accomplish their financial goals. I knew it wasn't the answer they were looking for, but they wanted to learn the hard way.

Two years ago, they retired in their late forties. They had millions of dollars, and financially, they could afford it. However, as I warned them all those years earlier, the other side of the equation took hold. Without work or a replacement pursuit, they had no meaning or purpose. The life of leisure quickly grew boring, and the vigor for life started to wane. They began fighting more. Tensions arose. They felt like a boat without a rudder, randomly drifting in the sea. Despite having everything they thought they wanted, they were hurting.....more than ever.

They recently divorced. It's been a mess for everyone involved. After much soul-searching, both spouses went back to the workforce. This time, however, they are trying to approach it through the lens of finding some form of meaning or satisfaction in their day-to-day work. Despite the divorce, there's a scenario in which they could stay retired and make it work financially. But they've now realized that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Work does matter, after all.

I'm not glad they had to go through all this mess, but I'm grateful both of them seem to have landed in a spot where they've realized meaning doesn't come from leisure. Rather, meaning comes from meaning. Understanding that can change everything, and luckily for them, it is. I pray for them and wish them nothing but the best. It's a rough story to tell, and I'm thankful they allowed me to share it here today.

Life is messy no matter what. It's never going to be pain-free. Even the best-laid plans will surely cause tension and suffering. However, the pursuit of meaning in all that we do helps keep us grounded and content.

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Different Planets, or Not

Isn't it crazy how separated we are in today's culture? It almost feels like we live in factions, constantly droning on about how different we are from "those people." And the funny thing is that "those people" are our co-workers, neighbors, friends, and even family. Everything is so divisive. We've been conditioned to believe that the other side is dumb at best, evil at worst, and we should hate them for it.

It reminds me of a story from back in my commercial real estate investment days. I was in one of the Middle East countries, enjoying a meal with one of my clients. There were several people from each party at the dinner, and I had the privilege of sitting directly across from a man about my age.

This man did similar work as me, but we may have been from different planets. He was part of the royal family of that country. He was a billionaire, literally royalty. He lived in a compound. Every member of his family (he, his wife, and their three small children) had their own full-time, live-in helpers. Additionally, his family had three dedicated drivers who were at the ready 24 hours a day to take any of them wherever they wanted. Did I mention private chefs and live-in doctors? Rolls-Royces, Ferraris, Lamborghinis. His cars were professionally washed and waxed daily. When traveling abroad, private jets.....always private jets. He was a devout Muslim. He dressed in the customary all-white Middle Eastern garb. The Middle East and Europe was his playground; he had never lived in America. Arabic was his primary language.

We couldn't have been more different, yet at the same time, we had far more in common than we had differences. We both loved our family. We enjoyed being fathers. We loved sports. We saw the world through an entrepreneurial perspective. We cared about our faith. We wanted to make an impact in the world. Man to man. We just enjoyed our time together, learning about one another and bonding over a shared meal.

If I felt like that (and vice versa) about someone literally from a different world from me, why shouldn't I feel like that about the people around me who have different beliefs and perspectives? I'm flat-out tired of this narrative that we should hate anyone who doesn't vote for who we voted for, doesn't think xzy policy is the right approach, or doesn't share our faith.

There is nothing more zapping of meaning than a life that involves active hatred and disgust toward the people around us. You know how much energy and creativity we lose from active opposition? Too much!

I firmly believe that 40 years from now, there will be studies performed that show how mentally and emotionally unhealthy our world was "back in the 2020s." We'll point toward the divisiveness and shake our heads at how brutal that time in our culture was.

While none of us can wave a magic wand and change this culture we're living in, we can opt out of it. We can elect to live a different life. Instead of attacking differences, we can seek out similarities. Interaction by interaction, perhaps we can slowly bend the needle and help this culture get back on track. There's so much more meaning in that than the alternative.

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Less Is More

I've found myself gravitating toward the concepts of minimalism over the last few years. When I say I've been gravitating, I mean in spirit.....not in action. I can feel in my soul that my life would improve if I had less stuff, less clutter. I haven't put that feeling into motion just yet, but I've been sitting on this idea for months now.

Over time, I've found myself honing in on certain aspects of my life and drastically streamlining my behavior. Instead of wearing five different pairs of shoes, it's two (but primarily just my main pair of boots). Instead of wearing a number of different watches, it's just one. Instead of meandering through a vast wardrobe, I find myself (to Sarah's chagrin) wearing a handful of items over and over.

There's something evermore appealing about less. When we create a life of less, it feels like more. It's weird to say it that way, but this type of "more" is a byproduct of reducing decision fatigue and clutter. I have so many things going on in life that I wholeheartedly welcome simplification wherever I can find it. I need it. I crave it.

I've also found that I'm tremendously impacted by my environment. If I'm surrounded by a lot of chaos and clutter, I feel chaotic and cluttered. If I'm surrounded by peace and organization, I feel peaceful and organized.

I don't know how far down the minimalism rabbit hole I'll go, but I know going deeper down that road will only benefit me in the long run. I've known this for a while now, but for whatever reason, this feels like the right time to put one foot in front of the other. In some odd way, this feels like a missing link toward living a more meaningful and fulfilling life. I'll keep you apprised as it unfolds, but I thought it would be an interesting topic to put on your radar for consideration.

Can you relate to any of this? Does this resonate with you? I'd be curious to hear your thoughts on this topic.

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This Is Life

Life isn't awesome because it's full of rainbows and sunshine. Life is awesome because it's awesome, warts and all. Social media is notorious for portraying everyone else's lives as perfect. The perfect marriage. The perfect kids. The perfect clothes. The perfect house. The perfect car. The perfect trips. It's all a facade, though. It's a curation of people's highlight reels. Underneath the mask of perfection is real life. Pain. Stress. Tension. Struggle. Loss. Brokenness. This is life. These things don't make life less awesome, but rather, they are what make life so awesome.

For the record, I'm not some masochist who revels in pain and suffering. Instead, what I see more times than not, is that pain is where the beauty comes from. Pain is oftentimes the trigger for some of the most powerful and profound moments of our lives. Having to endure the pain is what makes the sweet moments that much sweeter.

I've vaguely alluded to this story a few times in the past few months, but it wasn't my story to tell. Today, fortunately, I get to let them tell it themselves. Below is a short video that shares the story of one of my friends/clients. It's such a tragic story, yet is simultaneously the most beautiful story. I tear up even as I write this. If you only engage with one thing I post all month, please make it this powerful five-minute video.

I have no idea what the future holds for this family, but this tragic event will no doubt play a meaningful role in what happens next. I can already testify that much good has already come from this, and you get a glimpse of it in this video. This is life. It's full of joy, sorrow, love, pain, gratitude, suffering, and generosity. It doesn't make for a sexy and jealousy-worthy social media feed, but it's real; it's genuine. If I were a betting man, I’d bet my life savings that all four members of this family use this experience to make a positive impact on others, and probably change the world along the way. I’m humbled by their courage, perseverance, and positivity. They are better people than me, and I admire them so much.

Many of you are hurting today. Many of you are suffering in silence. Many of you are dealing with something that you have no idea how you'll get through. I'm so sorry. It's what makes life so hard, but at the same time, it's what makes life so beautiful. What you see on social media each day isn't real. This is real. This is life. You got this.

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Depends

Let's play a little trivia. In your opinion, which of the following people is the most successful?

• CEO of a medium-sized company

• High school teacher

• Owner of a well-known local company

• Barista at a coffee shop

• HVAC technician

• Stay-at-home mom

• Middle management in a corporate setting

• NFL player

Do you have a strong opinion on this? Which one is more successful? Or, if you need a little wiggle room, which few are the most successful?

Here's my answer: Depends. Absolutely nothing above gives me any sense of how successful or unsuccessful someone is. Rather, it just tells me what they do for a living.....and to some degree, how much money they make.

This tells me nothing about success, as I don't think success should be defined by status or income. Here's a question I'd ask each of these people: How do you feel about your upcoming day when you wake up in the morning?

• Are you dreading what you're about to do?

• Are you going to merely tolerate what you're about to do?

• Are you excited for what you're about to do?

The answer to that question tells me everything I need to know about how successful a person is. I know CEOs and small business owners who are failures, and I know teachers, baristas, servers, and blue-collar workers who are some of the most successful people I know.

When we wake up each day excited for what's about to happen - not because it's fun, but because it matters - we've already achieved a level of success that 90% of the world would die to have. That's success!

I feel so bad for people when they measure their own success (or the success of those around them) via money, stuff, and status. True success doesn't always look good, but it sure feels good. When we get to wake up and know that what we're about to do is tremendously meaningful, there's no amount of money, stuff, or status that could ever satiate us to that degree.

Outside of my children's faith, there's nothing more important to me as a father than to teach them this principle. I don't care if my kids go to college. I don't care if they make a lot of money. I don't care if they become "successful" in the eyes of the world. My biggest desire for them is that they wake up each day excited for what's about to happen. Not fun work, but meaningful work. Impactful work. Work that allows them to put their head on a pillow each night and know they gave this world all they had to offer today.

That's my definition of success. What's yours?

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Reverse Engineering Your Obituary

Several prominent people in my life have passed away in the past month. Some I knew well, and others I only knew from a distance. Regardless of my proximity to them, though, they influenced my life in some way. It was a bit surreal reading the obituaries of these folks. It's a weird text to read about people we assume will always be with us. It's a stark reminder of how the end of our lives will be here soon enough.

What will your obituary say? What do you want your obituary to say? I've thought about this topic far too much over the years. Wanna hear about a morbid (yet cool) idea? Try writing your own obituary. Seriously. Someone once asked me to perform this gory task. Write my own obituary as if I'm dead. I found this exercise to be cathartic, but productive. It forced me to really think about how I want to be remembered when I'm gone.

Reading our own obituary is like skipping to the last page of a good book. You see how the story ends, but you don't know how the character got there. And if our obituary is the last page of the story, today is the first page; everything in between is yet to be written.

Here's what struck me about this exercise. If I know what the last page of the story says and what the first page says, I get to be the author of everything in between. The only way to properly author the rest of the story is to reverse engineer the ending. If we're serious about the words we wrote in our obituary, we need to work our way backwards to ensure we get to that place between now and our last breath.

If we want to be known as a loving person, we ought to do loving things.

If we want to be known as a generous person, we ought to be generous.

If we want to be known as great parents, we ought to do things that make us great parents.

I have so much more to say about this topic, including possibly sharing my obituary. But today, I want to leave space for this idea to breathe and allow people to ponder this in their own lives. To be continued.....

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Midlife Crisis: Year 2

Today is a sad day in the Shelton household. Today is the day when my 350Z (aka my midlife crisis, as my friend Emma calls it) gets stored away for the winter. This was my second full season owning this car, and it was a fun one! I've written about this car a handful of times, but here’s my original post about buying this car after a 17-year wait.

I thought it would be fun to take stock of my experience so far. As I often write about, it's not about spending less, but spending better. In the case of buying a fun car, it's certainly not "spending less." However, does it fall into the category of "spending better?" The best way to do that is to assess the value it adds to my life and contrast it with the cost.

First, the value. It's safe to say that owning a fun little stick-shift convertible has added a tremendous amount of richness to my life. I love using this car as my daily commuter for about half the year. Road trips are a blast. Going on little crank-up-the-music around-town cruises with the boys is an amazing experience. I so much enjoy having this car in my life.

Now, the cost. This is always the wild card, and one area where most people will self-sabotage. When it comes to fun things we WANT, never underestimate our human ability to squint at the cost and justify anything (even the most insanely destructive decisions).

I paid $9,000 for this car. It was 18 years old with approximately 70,000 miles on it. Fantastic deal! However, there are lots of other costs to operate a vehicle. Here's a full breakdown of my first two years of costs:

• Sales Tax: $450

• Tags: $250

• Tows: $220

• Repairs & Maintenance: $3,079

• Insurance: $1,584

• Winter Storage: $1,000

This means my total operating costs over my first 24 months were $6,583 (or $274/month).

Lastly, we need to take depreciation into consideration. Every time drive our vehicles, we're eroding the value. We can generally assume we'll lose 15% of a vehicle's value each year. I had two things going in my favor when I purchased this car. I was buying a used car that had already experienced significant depreciation ($9,000 purchase price on a car that originally sold for $30,000+). I also bought it at a great price. The $9,000 price felt a little light compared to what I thought I would need to pay.

Today, Kelly Blue Book says the estimated private party value of my car is approximately $8,800, meaning I've lost approximately $200 of value from my original purchase price.

Let's put the two pieces together:

• 24 months of operating costs: $6,583

• 24 months of depreciation: $200

• Total 24-month cost of ownership: $6,783 ($283/month)

So, I'll ask myself that question again. Was it worth it? So much richness added to our lives, and it costs us $283/month for the privilege. Yeah, this might be the greatest bargain of my lifetime. It's not about spending less, but spending better. Turns out, this is one version of my better.

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Letting Go

As several readers pointed out, I left a major plot hole in yesterday's post about coaching my son's basketball team. To summarize, the post was a text I originally wrote (but didn’t publish) in December 2024. It was extremely self-critical and laid bare my heartbreak at realizing that my dream of coaching my kids in basketball was a failed experiment. I ended the piece with the following words: "Tough decisions need to be made. Ultimately, I owe it to everyone (including myself) to make the right decision."

Sunday was Pax's first game of the season. I played the role of a supportive parent, NOT his coach. As I wrote in December, the right decision is the right decision, even when it's not the decision we want to make.

When I decided to step away from coaching, I asked Sarah and a few others to hold me accountable to that decision. I'm glad I did, as I nearly changed my mind a half-dozen times over the past 10 months. Every ounce of me wanted to coach, even though I knew I needed to step away. Even a slight breeze could have pushed me to change my mind if I had allowed it.

Letting go is the hardest thing in the world. It reminds me of something a pastor once told me: "If everything God tells you to do is what you already wanted to do anyway, that's not God. That's you living for your own selfish desires and using God to justify it." Ouch.

Every ounce of me wanted to coach this year, but I knew deep down that letting go was the absolute right decision. Well, how did it go? Mixed results, to be honest. I was sitting in the front row of the bleachers at mid-court. Three separate times, I had to get up and leave. I paced back and forth behind the bleachers, watching from a little further behind. As Sarah would attest, I'm a quiet watcher as a fan. I never say a word. No yelling. No instruction. No verbal reactions. No anything. But inside of myself, I'm a mess. Sunday was no different. Every ounce of me wanted to be in coach mode, but Pax needed me to be a fan.

The right thing is the right thing, even when it's not what we want. There are so many things I'd change in my life if I could wave my magic wand, but unfortunately, I don't have such a wand. Therefore, I'm stuck trying to make the best decisions possible. Sometimes they benefit me, sometimes they don't. Sometimes I like them, sometimes I don't. Sometimes they make my life more comfortable, but usually they don't.

Sometimes, it's not about us. It's about doing the right thing for the right reasons.....period. While I will deeply miss coaching this season, Pax has a great coach, fantastic teammates, and a renewed energy toward the game. While I'll selfishly hurt, I will endeavor to be the best fan I can be to that little guy. He deserves that from me. Letting go is so hard, man.

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Not Going to the Grave With Me

Every so often, I feel the need to ask for Sarah's opinion before publishing a blog or podcast. Either the content is too sensitive, or I feel a tinge of doubt. Last December, when I presented something to Sarah, her response was, "Please don't post this. I think you'll regret it." I canned it. For the past 10 months, it's just been sitting in my drafts.

However, due to the passage of time, inspired by yesterday's post about not taking things to the grave, and by the beginning of Pax's basketball season yesterday, I'm ready to send it into the world. I'm still uneasy about it, and Sarah would still probably advise against publishing it, but at the same time, I feel like someone needs to hear this today. I believe some good can/will come from it. With all that said, here's the piece I originally wrote on 12/19/2024:

I used to be a good basketball coach. It was one of my biggest passions in life, spanning eight seasons from my late teens to my late 20s. For decades, I've dreamed about one day being my kids' basketball coach. After I actually became a parent and my boys started growing, I formulated a few goals. Through coaching, I wanted to spend more valuable time with my kids, invest in my kids and their friends, for my kids to learn to love the game, and add more meaning to our lives. This is my fourth year coaching my kids, and the first in a non-parks-and-recreation setting. I've come to a few realizations recently:

• I'm not as good a coach as I used to be. I have theories as to why.

• It hasn't produced more valuable time with my kids. More time, yes; more valuable, no.

• My involvement hasn't caused my kids to learn to love the game more (they struggle with the boundary between parent and coach)

Further, coaching hasn't been good for my health. I torment myself and second-guess everything I do. I spend hours (or days) after every practice or game, woulda, coulda, and shoulda'ing myself. I feel like a constant failure, always frustrated at myself for letting people down (especially the kids). Even when things feel good or seem good from the outside, I'm still a mess. Even when I should feel joy or fulfillment, I only feel disappointment in myself. 

It's a humbling experience that's tough to even type. However, I'm committed to transparency and providing ideas that may add value to other people's journeys. Here's where I'm going today. I need to face my reality head-on. As much as I want to be a coach—an excellent coach—it's probably not the best decision. As I look toward the season ahead, if I'm being 100% honest with myself, I need to play the role of supportive dad. Any other decision would be detrimental to me and others. Again, it's embarrassing to even type this.....especially because of how much I love those boys.

This is how we grow, though. If we continually linger in places and roles we're not meant to be in, everyone loses. We lose by suffering on this side while missing out on something far more beautiful on the other. Other people also suffer from being on the receiving end of our lack of excellence. Lastly, other individuals who are better suited and called to these positions miss out on the opportunity.

I preach this concept all the time when it comes to our work and careers. If I believe in these principles (I do) and also believe they apply to other areas of life (I do), I need to humble myself and make the right decision. Unfortunately, the right decision isn't always the most enjoyable one. We have one more week of basketball left this season, and I will give it everything I have. Then, tough decisions need to be made. Ultimately, I owe it to everyone (including myself) to make the right decision.

The same applies to you, in all areas of your life. 

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So?

One of my friends is at a crossroads. On one hand, he absolutely hates his job. It's soul-sucking and has repeatedly beaten him down for the past decade. On the other hand, he has some very clear and definable ambitions. He knows exactly what he doesn't want to do......and he knows exactly what he does want to do. There's one thing that stands in his way, though. "What if I'm not good at it?" Fear. More specifically, the fear of failure.

My response was concise: "So?"

We humans are so hard-wired to avoid failure that we'll willingly endure decades of misery in order to prevent ourselves from failing. In my opinion, the fear of failure is the number one reason why most of us don't pursue the things we want most.

What if nobody buys my book?

So?

What if I don't make the team?

So?

What if she's not interested?

So?

What if they don't hire me?

So?

What if the business doesn't take off?

So?

I, too, used to fall in the fear-of-failure camp. Then, something happened. Instead of asking myself, "What if I fail?" I started asking myself two different questions:

• "What's the worst that can happen if I fail?"

• "What if I succeed?"

In most cases, the worst-case scenario of failure had less to do with actual loss than it had to do with bruising my own ego. It was a pride play!

On the flip side, the answer to my "What if I succeed?" question was usually far more amazing than my "What's the worst that can happen if I fail?" answer was terrible.

This eventually morphed into a new conversation that would play out in my head each time I experienced self-talk.

• "Negative blah blah blah."

• "So?"

• "More dumb negative blah blah blah"

• "So?"

The power is in the "So?" In a world that not only tells us we can't, but also that we shouldn't, I think we should change it to we CAN and we SHOULD. Yeah, crappy things could happen, but so?

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A Heavy Anchor

A huge shout-out to the couple that granted me permission to share this story. I pray good comes from it, and that my harsh-ish words can move the needle in their marriage!

Picture this. I'm sitting face-to-face with a couple. They are stressed, frustrated, and borderline depressed. The tension in the marriage is palpable. You could cut the desperation with a knife. Finances are killing them! Specifically, a lack of income is killing them.

Oh yeah, I should probably add one more piece of information to the picture: Their monthly take-home income is $22,000. Yeah, you heard that correctly. $22,000/month......every month. And according to them, there's simply not enough money to keep the train on the tracks. Or, as they put it, "It costs a lot just to survive these days!"

At one point in the conversation, I pointed out to them that just their monthly housing cost (plus utilities) rivals what most people in their town make in a month. They looked at me like I had an alien growing out of my forehead. Again, I tried to put into perspective just how much money they make. They continued to stare at the alien apparently bursting from my face. I explained that the client I met with earlier in the day (who coincidentally lives 1/4 of a mile from them) has a total take-home income of about $7,000/month (and is thriving!). The wife looked like she was either going to have an aneurysm and/or hop over the table to stab me.

I don't know about you, but most people don't even dream about making $22,000/month take-home. In fact, most people probably wouldn't even know what to do with that type of income. Yet here I was, talking to a couple who were lamenting that $22,000 isn't enough monthly income to even survive.

I was getting nowhere. I asked them how much money they made early in their marriage; "Probably $4,000/month." Well, that's a bit different from their current situation. "But the world has changed a lot since then." Fact check: That was seven years ago.

Here's the harsh truth. Unless we're willing to live with humility and contentment, there's no amount of income that can satisfy us. The problem with more is that every time we get more, more is still more.

I offered a few suggestions for how this couple could create financial margin. In some families' situations, it can be challenging to open up much-needed margin. This family, however, has a treasure trove of options for swiftly and materially lightening the tension in their finances. Want to know where they landed? The husband is going to pick up some extra work on the side (nights and weekends) to see if they can make a few thousand more per month.

Here's my promise to them. If they stay on this course, we'll be talking a few years from now. They will be making $25,000-$30,000 per month, yet feel just as broke, stressed, and resentful as they do now......if their marriage survives.

They deserve better than this. You deserve better than this. We all deserve better than this. Don't let the curse of more pull you down.....it's one of the heaviest anchors ever created.

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