Wanted: More “Jerk” Friends

What was intended to be a tongue-in-cheek homage to one of my friends yesterday turned into something bigger than I ever imagined. I received countless texts, e-mails, and phone calls about it. People shared stories about how "jerk" friends in their lives have made a huge impact on them. People shared stories about times they had to step in and be the jerk to someone they loved. A few people shared about how they would take a bullet for their jerk friends. Then, someone said this:

"I wish I had some jerk friends in my life. I think my life would have turned out different if I did. Everyone around me just always affirmed whatever I wanted to do. Hope you know how lucky you are to have some "jerks" in your life."

It reminds me of a conversation I had a few years ago with a former colleague. This dude is seriously successful by the world's standards. He has a fancy job with a fancy title, and the compensation package to go with it. His family lives in a big house, drives beautiful cars, travels to exotic locations, and lives a lifestyle that makes their social media followers drool.

He and I were talking about an upcoming trip I was taking to the Boundary Waters with some of my closest friends. I shared how much some of those guys meant to me and how much impact those trips have on me. Then, he said something that shocked me: "I don't have a single friend like that. To be honest, I'm not sure I have any friend I would call that type of friend."

"Why not?" I asked.

"I don't have time. Work is just too busy. Has been for years. I kind of had to let the friend thing go."

This guy might be wealthy, but is he rich? As a society, I think we need to think long and hard about this question. What is rich? Is it money? Is it stuff? Is it status? I'll die on the hill and say "no" to all of those. Wealth is wealth, but rich is something entirely different altogether. Wealth sits in a bank account and looks impressive on social media. Rich runs through our veins and into our souls. Rich creates a depth to our lives that no money, stuff, or status could ever replicate.

I don't care if you're wealthy or not, but I deeply desire you to live a rich life. If you want a hint on where to start, look at the people you surround yourself with. Find people who move the needle in your life, and vice versa. Invest in them. Embrace them, and never take them for granted. Regardless of what life throws at you, those people will add a richness to life that nothing can take away.

Merry Christmas Eve, all. I hope you have a wonderful and blessed day!

____

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My Friend Is a Jerk

My family has been eagerly anticipating an upcoming trip to Asia. It will be Finn and Pax's first time to Asia, and showing them that region of the world is one of the biggest excitements of my life. In fact, most people don't know that our family was slated to partially relocate to Asia several years ago. Our plan was to split our year between the U.S. and Asia. We sold our house, significantly downsized, and rented a townhome that would be easy to maintain in our absence. All that remained was to purchase our plane tickets. Then, COVID struck a week later, and unraveled our best-laid plans. Oh well, such is life.

Back to our upcoming trip. Needless to say, I'm beyond excited for this trip. But then, my family got uninvited. My friend, who is clearly a jerk, told me I'm not allowed to come now. Can you believe the audacity?!?! I was pretty frustrated with him. I was excited to see him, my other friends, and the amazing culture we would engage with. However, he had to pull a jerk move and crush my hopes and dreams.

He added (paraphrased): "I love you too much to allow you to make this decision for yourself. You need to take care of yourself and your health. There will be lots more trips for us in the future. But you need to sit this one out. I'm not going to force you to make this difficult decision, so I'm making it for you."

He's referring to my recent neck injury and the devastation it's caused to my life. I've regained my cognitive function and my short-term memory, but life is still challenging physically. His biggest worries are how the 36-hour travel days, endless time in vehicles, and constant grind this trip will risk the recent progress I've made. He's not wrong........unfortunately.

While I don't love his jerk move, I love how well he loves me. We need people like this in our lives. People who will love us well enough to NOT tell us what we want to hear. People who will love us well enough to NOT allow us to hurt ourselves. People who will love us well enough to NOT sit back idly while we make stupid decisions.

There have been countless studies done about the science of happiness. Money makes us really, really happy......until our needs are met. Then, once our needs are met (plus a little more), money doesn't move the needle too much. The studies show that three things definitely do, though:

• Work that matters

• Generosity

• Meaningful relationships

Meaningful relationships. Man, I can't even explain how much my friends mean to me. I'd give up every penny in my life for those I'm closest to. There are a handful of people in my life who will joyfully be the biggest jerks in the world in order to save me from myself. That's love. That's meaning. That's happiness. I'm eternally grateful for each of them!

I'm so brutally upset that I have to miss this upcoming trip with my family, but I need to do what's right, regardless of how frustrating it is. I hope you have some jerk friends who will do this for you, too.

____

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Plan D

With most of our holiday plans cancelled due to my recent health issues and Pax's flu bug, I've been trying to think creatively. Yesterday morning, while we were watching some football highlights from the day before, I had an idea. I realized our Iowa State Cyclones men's basketball team had a home game later in the day. Ticket prices have been wild this season, though! Since the Cyclones are ranked #4 in the country, the get-in price to most games has been $75/person.

Then, it dawned on me. Yesterday's game was being played under unique circumstances:

• We were 39-point favorites against the opponent (i.e., it probably wouldn't be a "good" game).

• It's a Sunday night right before Christmas (i.e., many people probably can't go).

• The college students are on break (i.e., many other people probably can't go, either).

I jumped on my ol' trusty, SeatGeek, to see what tickets were available. You wanna know what I found?!?! Courtside tickets for $65/person!! $65/person for third row?!?! I asked Pax if he wanted to go, and he lit up.

Seven hours later, as the game was about to start, and we were settled into our section waiting for the game to begin, Pax looked at me and exclaimed, "Best! Seats! Ever!" He had never experienced something like that before, and he had the time of his life. He was even shown on ESPN's broadcast! Despite being in a ridiculous amount of pain from my recent neck injury, it truly was a special time together. I wouldn't have given up that time for anything.

As we were pulling into the driveway later in the evening, I said, "I'll remember that one forever, bud." "Me, too, Dad. That was the coolest night ever."

My plan A this season fell apart. My plan B for this season fell apart. My plan C for this season fell apart. A part of me wants to just give up. It's too difficult! I'm in too much pain. I'm mourning the loss of what I was most hoping for. It feels like too much. However, quitting sucks. We're moving on to Plan D, and so far, Plan D has been pretty fun.

Whatever life is throwing at you, keep moving forward. You might not end up right where you had hoped, but you just might end up somewhere as cool as it was unexpected.

____

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Next Man Down

Three weeks ago today, I wrote a piece about the importance of savoring the holiday season. In the last paragraph, I included the following sentence: "I'm excited for this holiday season, but as always, I'm nervous I'll find a way to screw it up." That was a tremendously foreshadow-y quote, considering that my life was dramatically altered just hours after I published that piece. That's when my neck injury escalated, my cognitive impairment developed, and I began a multi-week journey to simply regain a sense of "normal."

I arrived back home last night after spending the week at a client site in Nebraska. I was tremendously grateful for the opportunity to get back to work after being essentially incapacitated for two weeks, and it was awesome to get myself back up and running. Fortunately, my remaining brain fog and level-9 pain subsided by Monday night, and I was able to battle through a level-5 slog for the remainder of the week. All in all, I'm so appreciative of the week I had and the work completed.

Less than 20 minutes after arriving home last night, one of my little guys vomited on me. He missed the last two days of school this week with the flu (he looks pitiful), and he's in a world of hurt.

Needless to say, we're limping into Christmas. We were supposed to spend this weekend enjoying the holiday spirit in downtown Chicago: cancelled. Their cousins were supposed to visit while I was away: cancelled. Other fun Christmas-themed events: cancelled.

We have two options:

1. Complain about how sour the lemons taste

2. Make lemonade

I don't know what the coming days will look like in the Shelton household, but we'll refocus and find different ways to create fun memories and enjoy our time together.

Is your holiday season going perfectly like a Hallmark Christmas movie? If so, soak it all in! Enjoy the good fortune. Make the most of it. And for the other 80% of you who might be living in a Lifetime Christmas movie, embrace it for whatever it is. Pivot, adjust, make the best of your "unique" opportunity. Know you're not alone.....despite what everyone else's perfect social media feed might say.

Happy pre-Christmas weekend, everyone! Hope you have an awesome day!

____

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Rudderless

I recently saw a heartbreaking video of a 40-year-old man who claims that he has wasted his entire life. He goes on to explain that his entire adult life has been spent just jumping from one shiny object to another, and after 20 years, he has nothing to show for it.

While I felt tremendous empathy for him, it made me think about the millions of people who share similar feelings about their own lives. When I think about this cohort of individuals, one word comes to mind: rudderless.

We live in a culture that says we should do anything and everything we want in the moment. As long as it feels good and "makes us happy," we should go for it. I think this is some of the most toxic and short-sighted advice known to man.Making decisions to get what we want right now is often a sure-fire way to ensure we don't get what matters most later.

I think some people would argue I make a lot of crazy decisions in life.....and I wouldn't argue with them. Here's the framework by which I assess my own decisions:

• Where am I trying to end up?

• Will this particular choice get me closer to or further away from where I'm trying to go?

• Am I willing to pay the cost of this decision?

All three of these questions matter. If we don't know where we're trying to go, we don't even know what direction we're trying to steer the boat. If we don't know if xyz decisions will move us closer to or further away from the destination, we have no true rudder to keep us pointed in the right direction. If we're not willing to do what it takes to make it happen, we shouldn't kid ourselves.

Truly focusing on these questions can be an eye-opening endeavor. There are so many shiny objects that come across my periphery. I so badly want to say yes to many of them! However, if I'm being honest with myself, many of these shiny objects can and would pull me away from where I'm trying to go. They would feel really, really good in the moment, but they would hinder the path I'm on.

This is one of the most humbling aspects of the human experience. To say "no" to the things we want now in exchange for the things we want most is one of the most challenging tasks we're assigned in life.

I'm not saying I always get it right, but when I look back at my last 25 years of life, I've succeeded more times than I've failed. I hope you feel the same, but if not, you still have so many more good years left in you to right the ship. Stabilize your rudder, make the difficult decisions, and move yourself closer to where you need to go. It rarely feels worth it in the moment, but it ALWAYS feels worth it in the end.

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Celebrate

Last night was our Northern Vessel team Christmas party. In all the chaos of the holiday season, it was fun to slow down and celebrate the awesome year we've had together. Lots of laughs. Lots of stories. Lots of optimism for what's to come.

At the same time, however, it's been a brutal few weeks for me. Between the neck injury, basement flood, loss of memory for nearly a week, perpetual neck and back pain, and the loss of lots of income due to my incapacitation, it doesn't necessarily feel like a time to celebrate. However, I celebrated. Regardless of how much crap I've gone through recently, there's always something to celebrate.

More than anything, I'm just trying to approach life through the lens of gratitude. It's so easy for me to wallow in my own self-pity, but if I'm really honest with myself, I'm blessed beyond belief. Last night, I chose to celebrate.

My pain is somewhat overwhelming at the moment, so I'm going to keep this short. I know you probably have your fair share of junk, baggage, and pain following you around. For whatever truth lies in that statement, just know I have a ton of empathy for you. At the same time, I bet you have countless things to be grateful for. Whatever that is, celebrate it. Don't gloss over the fact that you have so many blessings in your life.

Let's celebrate this season. When things are great, celebrate. When things feel absolutely terrible, celebrate. Always celebrate. I don't know what the next few weeks have in store for me, but even if I'm completely bedridden, I'm gonna celebrate. I hope you do the same.

____

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Coffee, Milk, Sugar, and ___

My apologies for not responding to the flood of messages I've received from this week's posts. It's been challenging to reply in my current physical condition, but I'm grateful for all the comments and insights, and I look forward to going through them soon!!

I received an interesting text on the heels of my recent post about how we need to think about impact, not inputs. In the post, I discussed my chiropractor through two different lenses. On one hand, his $50 fee for a 7-minute adjustment means I'm paying him $240/hour for his time. I think that's a lame way to look at life. On the other hand, you could view the $50 as an investment toward having a functional body to increase your quality of life. Impact, not inputs.

Here's the text message I received after publishing that article: "That thought process may work for some things, but not most. At the end of the day a coffee is a coffee. There's no way to spin that one. You're buying a commodity, simple as that."

Ouch! Is that true? Is a coffee a coffee? TJ, my Northern Vessel co-owner, and I talk about this often! Here's how we think about it. We're not actually a coffee company. We're a hospitality company that happens to serve coffee. Hospitality is the core of what we do. It's our blank canvas. And the coffee is our paint.

If we're really going to boil this down, a typical coffee drink is just some ratio of three inputs: coffee, milk, and sugar. Three commodities blended into a finished commodity-ish product. There are hundreds of places to get a latte in every city, never mind the cheaper and more convenient coffee alternatives we have in our own homes. If what my friend is saying is true, why would people tirelessly wait in a line 30 people deep at a shop that arguably has the highest prices in the state?

Let's just pretend we have the best drinks in the city. Even then, the high prices combined with the massive lines would surely dampen our customer flow if people were simply there to buy a coffee, a commodity.

Which brings us back to my original thesis. We're not a coffee company. We're a hospitality company that sells coffee. What we sell is an experience, a feeling, a community. We want to offer people an experience that could be the highlight of their day. We hope the coffee is amazing, too, but it goes so much deeper than that.

We received this comment on an Instagram post yesterday:

"The coffee is amazing but I would stop here even if it wasn't because of how I feel when I walk in and how I feel when I leave." I don't know this woman, but her beautiful sentence stabs me right in the heart and synthesizes thousands of hours of work we've put into this. I'm so touched by her words, and I'm grateful she gave our team an opportunity to brighten her day.

Every single product or service we buy or sell, WITHOUT EXCEPTION, must be viewed through the lens of impact, not inputs. It goes so much deeper, and that depth is what turns business from something seemingly boring and sterile to life-giving beauty.

____

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When the Brain Isn't Braining

My neck and back injury has only gotten worse as the week progressed, reaching a point yesterday where it started impacting my cognitive ability. My brain doesn't seem to be braining right now. It's a surreal experience to be aware, in the moment, that the brain isn't firing on all cylinders. The amount of pain and discomfort I have in my neck is overwhelming my system.

It's wild how much we take for granted the "normal" in our lives. Normal gets a bad wrap because normal can feel boring. However, boring is good. I so badly wish I could have "normal" right now. I wish I could just be me, just living my life. I would give literally anything to be normal again.

All around me, I'm watching folks experience the loss of normal: layoffs, terminal illness diagnoses, loss of family members, and other painful moments. If you're living your normal life today, big props to you. Please don't overlook that or take it for granted. Your normal, despite its challenges and shortcomings, is still awesome.

I pray for normal in my life. I pray to feel better. I pray to be up and about. I pray for my brain to start braining. This isn't a sob story, or a call for pity. Rather, it's an opportunity to shine the light on how we shouldn't take normal for granted. We shouldn't wish it away. We shouldn't demean it in comparison to someone else's.

I hope to write to you tomorrow with a fresher head and more complete thoughts, but for today, this is probably the best I got. I hope you have a great (and normal!!!!) day.

____

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Memories Don’t Discriminate

Earlier this week, Sarah and I took the boys to see Elf in the movie theater. It was one of those cool theaters where they serve you dinner during the movie. The real magic happened the night before, though, when we shared the news of this upcoming family outing. Both boys immediately screamed in excitement and jumped wildly around the kitchen. Blood-curdling screams of euphoria. Eardrum-piercing screams of joy. To go watch a 20+ year-old movie they've seen a dozen times.

Memories don't discriminate. Those boys reacted as if we were surprising them with a trip to Disney, except our surprise cost $80, not $8,000. I know I beat on this drum often, but I don't think there are enough reps to appropriately make this point. Memories are memories because they are memories. We need not spend tons of money to create them. Financial resources are NOT the prerequisite to memories. Memories don't discriminate.

We're living in a time where more and more people feel frustrated and defeated. Families are struggling financially. The tension is tightly wound. It can sometimes feel like it's all too much.

I hate that for everyone living in that reality. At the same time, however, I want to encourage parents to create memories regardless of financial resources. Sure, expensive memories are expensive, but affordable memories are affordable. At the end of the day, however, memories don't discriminate. Years down the road, your kids won't remember how much (or how little) a memory cost their parents. All they will know is how the memory made them feel.

As such, create, create, create. Use whatever creativity and resources you do have to create the coolest memories possible for your family. Don't give up or feel defeated. Drive around and look at Christmas lights. Go get hot chocolates and watch the carolers. Open Netflix and snuggle up to a holiday classic on the couch. Make tree ornaments or gingerbread houses. Volunteer together at a local shelter or food pantry. Find a big hill to sled. Just make memories! Memories don't discriminate.

Regardless of where you stand financially this season, you have an opportunity to make this the best Christmas season ever, abounding in memories and experiences. Make it happen, and enjoy the ride!

____

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Forced Simplicity: Flood Edition

In the midst of trying to regain normal functionality in my neck and back, our family was hit with a devastating event yesterday. While the kids were getting ready for school, I ran down to my home office to address a quick client issue. As I walked down the stairs, I was met with a flooded basement. Wow. Just wow.

Over the next 30 minutes, Sarah, the boys, and I frantically moved every item out of the impacted rooms. Let's just say it was a disaster! Some of the items were in tubs, but not all. A LOT of things were completely soaked.

Yeah, the entire thing is absolutely gutting. It's miserable to say the least. However, Sarah and I are trying to find the silver lining in a terrible situation. Remember how I recently wrote about my newfound interest in minimalism and the pursuit of simplicity? Well, this brutal flood experience is forcing us to simplify.

Whether we like it or not, we are now forced to purge stuff as a result of the water damage. Sarah spent the better part of the day going through all the boxes and tubs that were exposed to the water. It was ultimately a beautiful exercise. Lots of stuff got tossed, even more will be donated to other kids/families, and some we'll keep. Fast forward to next week, and our lives will inevitably be simpler.

While Sarah and I were lamenting the horror of the entire situation, we both acknowledged that the basement will never be the same after this.....and that's a great thing. Simplicity, even when forced, can be a great thing.

I can't say I appreciate all this happening to us, but as I always try to remember, blessings come from even the worst of situations. I've already begun the process of simplifying my life, and now, Sarah just might buy into it as well. It's going to be a long process to get back to normal, but I fully believe we'll be better for it.

While I don't wish any bad upon you, when (not if) it strikes your household, I pray you find (and embrace) the silver lining in it. We can't avoid pain altogether, but we can commit to using a piece of it for good.

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Health vs. Wealth

I recently read an article about how, at the time of publishing, the world's richest man fell ill and quickly passed away at a fairly early age. He was in his 40s. The spirit of the article was his friends and family acknowledging that none of that wealth really meant anything. He was gone, forever.

The very same day, I stumbled upon a tweet by a deca-millionaire. He's the founder of multiple start-ups and is known as a tremendously successful (and wealthy) entrepreneur. He had just been diagnosed with stage four cancer in his mid-40s. The tweet, in essence, stated that he would give up everything he's ever earned or achieved in exchange for his health.

Health vs. wealth. It's an interesting dynamic, and one we don't think about until it's thrust upon us. Three days ago, I threw my back out. I've been riding the struggle bus for days, which has only worsened. At the moment, I can't even turn my head in either direction—utter misery for days on end. In my current state, my quality of life is approximately zero. I'm a shell of my normal self. As I sit here in dire pain, I'd give up literally anything to feel healthy again.

Isn't it interesting how our natural human instinct is always to give up the material trappings of this world for the sake of our health? What does that tell us? What should it tell us? For me, It's another reminder that meaning always supercedes money. Even when we act and behave as though it doesn't, at the core of our being, we know there's more to life than money. Sometimes, though, it takes a harsh and scary reminder of our mortality to trigger that human instinct.

Here's the irony of this post. Some people will read it, and it will hit far too close to home. You'll immediately think about your current or previous health afflictions and violently nod your head up and down in affirmation of my words. Others, who haven't yet experienced significant health concerns, will think to themselves, "Sure, sure, but I'll take the wealth!"

Perspective changes everything. In an ideal world, I'd love for everyone to get a healthy dose of perspective change without having to endure the pain, suffering, and unknowns of major health crises. Appreciating good health and knowing it always trumps money, stuff, and status is a super hack to life. When we truly appreciate good health, daily life takes on an entirely different meaning.

Here's to a safe, healthy, and fulfilling holiday season. I hope you and those closest to you stay well!

____

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The Home Stretch

With the passing of Thanksgiving, we're officially in the home stretch toward the Christmas / New Year's holiday. For decades, I've lamented how the season seems to be over in the blink of an eye. That frustration only grew after I became a father. I want to savor it, enjoy it, and milk every ounce of holiday spirit I can out of it. Inevitably, though, it passes too quickly.

I think one of the key contributors to this phenomenon is the fact we become even busier than usual. Holiday get-togethers, work functions, shopping, and a number of other activities speed us up to an unprecedented pace. This pace, combined with the stress it can create, causes time to speed up.

Over the past few years, I've attempted to combat this phenomenon by intentionally slowing down my schedule. Specifically, I've implemented a few different strategies:

• Get the shopping done early. Nothing good happens when shopping the few days before Christmas.

• Set a hard stop date. Sarah and I negotiate a date that will be a hard stop for my work travel. Once that date arrives, I'm locked down with my family through the end of the year.

• Say no. Adding festive holiday events to the calendar may seem like a fun and jolly idea, but we say no. There's nothing better than having the freedom and an empty calendar to play the evenings by ear with the family. Movies, Christmas lights, and other last-minute adventures await.

• NYE is a no-go. I block out the entire day on New Year's Eve to reflect, plan, and set myself up for an awesome year to come. That's become one of my favorite days of the year.

• Think 30 years from now. 30 years from now, will you remember that meeting you attended, or the memory you created with your kids? Act accordingly.

I'm excited for this holiday season, but as always, I'm nervous I'll find a way to screw it up. However, if I can try to follow my own guidelines above, I have a chance to really make it a special season for my family. Wish me luck, and I'll wish you luck as well! I pray you're able to slow it down and enjoy every bit of the holiday spirit, too!

____

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The Anti-Pain Superpower

We've experienced some really tough stuff this year in the Shelton household. 11 months in, and it's safe to say it's not all roses and sunshine over here. Such is life, though.

I do, however, possess a superpower that more than makes up for all this pain. It's called gratitude. Despite all the challenges, I'm tremendously optimistic and content with my life. Gratitude does that to a person. Instead of focusing on all the things we don't have, we can be thankful for all the things we do have. It's a small but powerful shift that can change everything.

We can choose to dwell on the pain, to wallow in the misfortune, to bathe in our own misery. That option is on the table, and it's an option many will elect. The alternative is to simply be grateful. No, not to ignore the pain or to minimize the hurt and misfortune in our lives; that's very real. Rather, to draw a line in the sand and say that despite all of it, we're grateful for all that we do have in this season of life.

I could spout off all the unfair things that have happened to me this year (while the world's tiniest violin plays in the background), but the truth is, I'm quite blessed. I'm beyond blessed. I'm outsized blessed.

Today, as we observe Thanksgiving here in America, I hope you choose gratitude as well. Yeah, there are a lot of things that haven't gone well for you this year. But instead of dwelling on those, please remember how many amazing things you do have in your life right now. Too many to count, I'm sure. Never forget how blessed you are by the things you do have. Happy Thanksgiving, all!!

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An Actually Positive TikTok Challenge

Whenever the phrase "TikTok challenge" is mentioned, anything that comes next is going to be disgusting. Two cars crashing through our Northern Vessel shop doors is great evidence of that.

Today, however, I want to share an actually positive TikTok challenge with you. As I was scrolling through my feed recently, I stumbled upon an awesome little clip. A parent, on the backside of the camera, asked their child, in camera view, a simple question: "What did you get for Christmas last year?"

The kid had a deer-in-headlights look. You could see his little brain working overtime to process this question. After about five seconds, nothing. He couldn't think of a single gift he received last Christmas.

The parent then asked another question: "Where did we go on vacation this year?"

The boy's eyes lit up, and he quickly started listing off all the adventures they went on and memories they made. His little mouth couldn't keep up with his brain. It was almost like he was reliving those memories in real time.

Interesting, isn't it? I've now seen dozens of these videos pop up in my feed, each with similar results. Kid after kid after kid went blank when asked about receiving physical gifts, but then immediately lit up with excitement when asked about experiences and memories.

Experiences over things. This is one of the hallmark principles of living a meaningful life. There's certainly nothing wrong with stuff. We all have some stuff in our lives. Cool stuff. But the stuff isn't what will ultimately provide us with meaning. It's the experiences and memories that add a richness to life that's unparalleled. Yeah, the science proves this to be true. Over and over, science has proven this. However, I'm not asking you to even trust the science. Trust the faces of your kids. They will tell you everything you need to know.

Happy shopping!

____

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I’ll Show You, But….

About a decade ago, a casual friend approached me and asked if I would help him and his wife "build wealth" so they could retire in their 40s and "finally enjoy life."

"I'll show you, but that's not the solution to your problem."

He hated his job, and his wife similarly hated hers. They were running the race and wanted it to end as quickly as possible. In their minds, having a ton of money and quitting work as soon as they could was the answer.

After much coaxing, I agreed to help them. I showed them the principles that would undoubtedly help them accomplish their financial goals. I knew it wasn't the answer they were looking for, but they wanted to learn the hard way.

Two years ago, they retired in their late forties. They had millions of dollars, and financially, they could afford it. However, as I warned them all those years earlier, the other side of the equation took hold. Without work or a replacement pursuit, they had no meaning or purpose. The life of leisure quickly grew boring, and the vigor for life started to wane. They began fighting more. Tensions arose. They felt like a boat without a rudder, randomly drifting in the sea. Despite having everything they thought they wanted, they were hurting.....more than ever.

They recently divorced. It's been a mess for everyone involved. After much soul-searching, both spouses went back to the workforce. This time, however, they are trying to approach it through the lens of finding some form of meaning or satisfaction in their day-to-day work. Despite the divorce, there's a scenario in which they could stay retired and make it work financially. But they've now realized that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Work does matter, after all.

I'm not glad they had to go through all this mess, but I'm grateful both of them seem to have landed in a spot where they've realized meaning doesn't come from leisure. Rather, meaning comes from meaning. Understanding that can change everything, and luckily for them, it is. I pray for them and wish them nothing but the best. It's a rough story to tell, and I'm thankful they allowed me to share it here today.

Life is messy no matter what. It's never going to be pain-free. Even the best-laid plans will surely cause tension and suffering. However, the pursuit of meaning in all that we do helps keep us grounded and content.

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Different Planets, or Not

Isn't it crazy how separated we are in today's culture? It almost feels like we live in factions, constantly droning on about how different we are from "those people." And the funny thing is that "those people" are our co-workers, neighbors, friends, and even family. Everything is so divisive. We've been conditioned to believe that the other side is dumb at best, evil at worst, and we should hate them for it.

It reminds me of a story from back in my commercial real estate investment days. I was in one of the Middle East countries, enjoying a meal with one of my clients. There were several people from each party at the dinner, and I had the privilege of sitting directly across from a man about my age.

This man did similar work as me, but we may have been from different planets. He was part of the royal family of that country. He was a billionaire, literally royalty. He lived in a compound. Every member of his family (he, his wife, and their three small children) had their own full-time, live-in helpers. Additionally, his family had three dedicated drivers who were at the ready 24 hours a day to take any of them wherever they wanted. Did I mention private chefs and live-in doctors? Rolls-Royces, Ferraris, Lamborghinis. His cars were professionally washed and waxed daily. When traveling abroad, private jets.....always private jets. He was a devout Muslim. He dressed in the customary all-white Middle Eastern garb. The Middle East and Europe was his playground; he had never lived in America. Arabic was his primary language.

We couldn't have been more different, yet at the same time, we had far more in common than we had differences. We both loved our family. We enjoyed being fathers. We loved sports. We saw the world through an entrepreneurial perspective. We cared about our faith. We wanted to make an impact in the world. Man to man. We just enjoyed our time together, learning about one another and bonding over a shared meal.

If I felt like that (and vice versa) about someone literally from a different world from me, why shouldn't I feel like that about the people around me who have different beliefs and perspectives? I'm flat-out tired of this narrative that we should hate anyone who doesn't vote for who we voted for, doesn't think xzy policy is the right approach, or doesn't share our faith.

There is nothing more zapping of meaning than a life that involves active hatred and disgust toward the people around us. You know how much energy and creativity we lose from active opposition? Too much!

I firmly believe that 40 years from now, there will be studies performed that show how mentally and emotionally unhealthy our world was "back in the 2020s." We'll point toward the divisiveness and shake our heads at how brutal that time in our culture was.

While none of us can wave a magic wand and change this culture we're living in, we can opt out of it. We can elect to live a different life. Instead of attacking differences, we can seek out similarities. Interaction by interaction, perhaps we can slowly bend the needle and help this culture get back on track. There's so much more meaning in that than the alternative.

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Less Is More

I've found myself gravitating toward the concepts of minimalism over the last few years. When I say I've been gravitating, I mean in spirit.....not in action. I can feel in my soul that my life would improve if I had less stuff, less clutter. I haven't put that feeling into motion just yet, but I've been sitting on this idea for months now.

Over time, I've found myself honing in on certain aspects of my life and drastically streamlining my behavior. Instead of wearing five different pairs of shoes, it's two (but primarily just my main pair of boots). Instead of wearing a number of different watches, it's just one. Instead of meandering through a vast wardrobe, I find myself (to Sarah's chagrin) wearing a handful of items over and over.

There's something evermore appealing about less. When we create a life of less, it feels like more. It's weird to say it that way, but this type of "more" is a byproduct of reducing decision fatigue and clutter. I have so many things going on in life that I wholeheartedly welcome simplification wherever I can find it. I need it. I crave it.

I've also found that I'm tremendously impacted by my environment. If I'm surrounded by a lot of chaos and clutter, I feel chaotic and cluttered. If I'm surrounded by peace and organization, I feel peaceful and organized.

I don't know how far down the minimalism rabbit hole I'll go, but I know going deeper down that road will only benefit me in the long run. I've known this for a while now, but for whatever reason, this feels like the right time to put one foot in front of the other. In some odd way, this feels like a missing link toward living a more meaningful and fulfilling life. I'll keep you apprised as it unfolds, but I thought it would be an interesting topic to put on your radar for consideration.

Can you relate to any of this? Does this resonate with you? I'd be curious to hear your thoughts on this topic.

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This Is Life

Life isn't awesome because it's full of rainbows and sunshine. Life is awesome because it's awesome, warts and all. Social media is notorious for portraying everyone else's lives as perfect. The perfect marriage. The perfect kids. The perfect clothes. The perfect house. The perfect car. The perfect trips. It's all a facade, though. It's a curation of people's highlight reels. Underneath the mask of perfection is real life. Pain. Stress. Tension. Struggle. Loss. Brokenness. This is life. These things don't make life less awesome, but rather, they are what make life so awesome.

For the record, I'm not some masochist who revels in pain and suffering. Instead, what I see more times than not, is that pain is where the beauty comes from. Pain is oftentimes the trigger for some of the most powerful and profound moments of our lives. Having to endure the pain is what makes the sweet moments that much sweeter.

I've vaguely alluded to this story a few times in the past few months, but it wasn't my story to tell. Today, fortunately, I get to let them tell it themselves. Below is a short video that shares the story of one of my friends/clients. It's such a tragic story, yet is simultaneously the most beautiful story. I tear up even as I write this. If you only engage with one thing I post all month, please make it this powerful five-minute video.

I have no idea what the future holds for this family, but this tragic event will no doubt play a meaningful role in what happens next. I can already testify that much good has already come from this, and you get a glimpse of it in this video. This is life. It's full of joy, sorrow, love, pain, gratitude, suffering, and generosity. It doesn't make for a sexy and jealousy-worthy social media feed, but it's real; it's genuine. If I were a betting man, I’d bet my life savings that all four members of this family use this experience to make a positive impact on others, and probably change the world along the way. I’m humbled by their courage, perseverance, and positivity. They are better people than me, and I admire them so much.

Many of you are hurting today. Many of you are suffering in silence. Many of you are dealing with something that you have no idea how you'll get through. I'm so sorry. It's what makes life so hard, but at the same time, it's what makes life so beautiful. What you see on social media each day isn't real. This is real. This is life. You got this.

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Depends

Let's play a little trivia. In your opinion, which of the following people is the most successful?

• CEO of a medium-sized company

• High school teacher

• Owner of a well-known local company

• Barista at a coffee shop

• HVAC technician

• Stay-at-home mom

• Middle management in a corporate setting

• NFL player

Do you have a strong opinion on this? Which one is more successful? Or, if you need a little wiggle room, which few are the most successful?

Here's my answer: Depends. Absolutely nothing above gives me any sense of how successful or unsuccessful someone is. Rather, it just tells me what they do for a living.....and to some degree, how much money they make.

This tells me nothing about success, as I don't think success should be defined by status or income. Here's a question I'd ask each of these people: How do you feel about your upcoming day when you wake up in the morning?

• Are you dreading what you're about to do?

• Are you going to merely tolerate what you're about to do?

• Are you excited for what you're about to do?

The answer to that question tells me everything I need to know about how successful a person is. I know CEOs and small business owners who are failures, and I know teachers, baristas, servers, and blue-collar workers who are some of the most successful people I know.

When we wake up each day excited for what's about to happen - not because it's fun, but because it matters - we've already achieved a level of success that 90% of the world would die to have. That's success!

I feel so bad for people when they measure their own success (or the success of those around them) via money, stuff, and status. True success doesn't always look good, but it sure feels good. When we get to wake up and know that what we're about to do is tremendously meaningful, there's no amount of money, stuff, or status that could ever satiate us to that degree.

Outside of my children's faith, there's nothing more important to me as a father than to teach them this principle. I don't care if my kids go to college. I don't care if they make a lot of money. I don't care if they become "successful" in the eyes of the world. My biggest desire for them is that they wake up each day excited for what's about to happen. Not fun work, but meaningful work. Impactful work. Work that allows them to put their head on a pillow each night and know they gave this world all they had to offer today.

That's my definition of success. What's yours?

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Reverse Engineering Your Obituary

Several prominent people in my life have passed away in the past month. Some I knew well, and others I only knew from a distance. Regardless of my proximity to them, though, they influenced my life in some way. It was a bit surreal reading the obituaries of these folks. It's a weird text to read about people we assume will always be with us. It's a stark reminder of how the end of our lives will be here soon enough.

What will your obituary say? What do you want your obituary to say? I've thought about this topic far too much over the years. Wanna hear about a morbid (yet cool) idea? Try writing your own obituary. Seriously. Someone once asked me to perform this gory task. Write my own obituary as if I'm dead. I found this exercise to be cathartic, but productive. It forced me to really think about how I want to be remembered when I'm gone.

Reading our own obituary is like skipping to the last page of a good book. You see how the story ends, but you don't know how the character got there. And if our obituary is the last page of the story, today is the first page; everything in between is yet to be written.

Here's what struck me about this exercise. If I know what the last page of the story says and what the first page says, I get to be the author of everything in between. The only way to properly author the rest of the story is to reverse engineer the ending. If we're serious about the words we wrote in our obituary, we need to work our way backwards to ensure we get to that place between now and our last breath.

If we want to be known as a loving person, we ought to do loving things.

If we want to be known as a generous person, we ought to be generous.

If we want to be known as great parents, we ought to do things that make us great parents.

I have so much more to say about this topic, including possibly sharing my obituary. But today, I want to leave space for this idea to breathe and allow people to ponder this in their own lives. To be continued.....

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