I’ll Show You, But….

About a decade ago, a casual friend approached me and asked if I would help him and his wife "build wealth" so they could retire in their 40s and "finally enjoy life."

"I'll show you, but that's not the solution to your problem."

He hated his job, and his wife similarly hated hers. They were running the race and wanted it to end as quickly as possible. In their minds, having a ton of money and quitting work as soon as they could was the answer.

After much coaxing, I agreed to help them. I showed them the principles that would undoubtedly help them accomplish their financial goals. I knew it wasn't the answer they were looking for, but they wanted to learn the hard way.

Two years ago, they retired in their late forties. They had millions of dollars, and financially, they could afford it. However, as I warned them all those years earlier, the other side of the equation took hold. Without work or a replacement pursuit, they had no meaning or purpose. The life of leisure quickly grew boring, and the vigor for life started to wane. They began fighting more. Tensions arose. They felt like a boat without a rudder, randomly drifting in the sea. Despite having everything they thought they wanted, they were hurting.....more than ever.

They recently divorced. It's been a mess for everyone involved. After much soul-searching, both spouses went back to the workforce. This time, however, they are trying to approach it through the lens of finding some form of meaning or satisfaction in their day-to-day work. Despite the divorce, there's a scenario in which they could stay retired and make it work financially. But they've now realized that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Work does matter, after all.

I'm not glad they had to go through all this mess, but I'm grateful both of them seem to have landed in a spot where they've realized meaning doesn't come from leisure. Rather, meaning comes from meaning. Understanding that can change everything, and luckily for them, it is. I pray for them and wish them nothing but the best. It's a rough story to tell, and I'm thankful they allowed me to share it here today.

Life is messy no matter what. It's never going to be pain-free. Even the best-laid plans will surely cause tension and suffering. However, the pursuit of meaning in all that we do helps keep us grounded and content.

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Different Planets, or Not

Isn't it crazy how separated we are in today's culture? It almost feels like we live in factions, constantly droning on about how different we are from "those people." And the funny thing is that "those people" are our co-workers, neighbors, friends, and even family. Everything is so divisive. We've been conditioned to believe that the other side is dumb at best, evil at worst, and we should hate them for it.

It reminds me of a story from back in my commercial real estate investment days. I was in one of the Middle East countries, enjoying a meal with one of my clients. There were several people from each party at the dinner, and I had the privilege of sitting directly across from a man about my age.

This man did similar work as me, but we may have been from different planets. He was part of the royal family of that country. He was a billionaire, literally royalty. He lived in a compound. Every member of his family (he, his wife, and their three small children) had their own full-time, live-in helpers. Additionally, his family had three dedicated drivers who were at the ready 24 hours a day to take any of them wherever they wanted. Did I mention private chefs and live-in doctors? Rolls-Royces, Ferraris, Lamborghinis. His cars were professionally washed and waxed daily. When traveling abroad, private jets.....always private jets. He was a devout Muslim. He dressed in the customary all-white Middle Eastern garb. The Middle East and Europe was his playground; he had never lived in America. Arabic was his primary language.

We couldn't have been more different, yet at the same time, we had far more in common than we had differences. We both loved our family. We enjoyed being fathers. We loved sports. We saw the world through an entrepreneurial perspective. We cared about our faith. We wanted to make an impact in the world. Man to man. We just enjoyed our time together, learning about one another and bonding over a shared meal.

If I felt like that (and vice versa) about someone literally from a different world from me, why shouldn't I feel like that about the people around me who have different beliefs and perspectives? I'm flat-out tired of this narrative that we should hate anyone who doesn't vote for who we voted for, doesn't think xzy policy is the right approach, or doesn't share our faith.

There is nothing more zapping of meaning than a life that involves active hatred and disgust toward the people around us. You know how much energy and creativity we lose from active opposition? Too much!

I firmly believe that 40 years from now, there will be studies performed that show how mentally and emotionally unhealthy our world was "back in the 2020s." We'll point toward the divisiveness and shake our heads at how brutal that time in our culture was.

While none of us can wave a magic wand and change this culture we're living in, we can opt out of it. We can elect to live a different life. Instead of attacking differences, we can seek out similarities. Interaction by interaction, perhaps we can slowly bend the needle and help this culture get back on track. There's so much more meaning in that than the alternative.

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Less Is More

I've found myself gravitating toward the concepts of minimalism over the last few years. When I say I've been gravitating, I mean in spirit.....not in action. I can feel in my soul that my life would improve if I had less stuff, less clutter. I haven't put that feeling into motion just yet, but I've been sitting on this idea for months now.

Over time, I've found myself honing in on certain aspects of my life and drastically streamlining my behavior. Instead of wearing five different pairs of shoes, it's two (but primarily just my main pair of boots). Instead of wearing a number of different watches, it's just one. Instead of meandering through a vast wardrobe, I find myself (to Sarah's chagrin) wearing a handful of items over and over.

There's something evermore appealing about less. When we create a life of less, it feels like more. It's weird to say it that way, but this type of "more" is a byproduct of reducing decision fatigue and clutter. I have so many things going on in life that I wholeheartedly welcome simplification wherever I can find it. I need it. I crave it.

I've also found that I'm tremendously impacted by my environment. If I'm surrounded by a lot of chaos and clutter, I feel chaotic and cluttered. If I'm surrounded by peace and organization, I feel peaceful and organized.

I don't know how far down the minimalism rabbit hole I'll go, but I know going deeper down that road will only benefit me in the long run. I've known this for a while now, but for whatever reason, this feels like the right time to put one foot in front of the other. In some odd way, this feels like a missing link toward living a more meaningful and fulfilling life. I'll keep you apprised as it unfolds, but I thought it would be an interesting topic to put on your radar for consideration.

Can you relate to any of this? Does this resonate with you? I'd be curious to hear your thoughts on this topic.

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This Is Life

Life isn't awesome because it's full of rainbows and sunshine. Life is awesome because it's awesome, warts and all. Social media is notorious for portraying everyone else's lives as perfect. The perfect marriage. The perfect kids. The perfect clothes. The perfect house. The perfect car. The perfect trips. It's all a facade, though. It's a curation of people's highlight reels. Underneath the mask of perfection is real life. Pain. Stress. Tension. Struggle. Loss. Brokenness. This is life. These things don't make life less awesome, but rather, they are what make life so awesome.

For the record, I'm not some masochist who revels in pain and suffering. Instead, what I see more times than not, is that pain is where the beauty comes from. Pain is oftentimes the trigger for some of the most powerful and profound moments of our lives. Having to endure the pain is what makes the sweet moments that much sweeter.

I've vaguely alluded to this story a few times in the past few months, but it wasn't my story to tell. Today, fortunately, I get to let them tell it themselves. Below is a short video that shares the story of one of my friends/clients. It's such a tragic story, yet is simultaneously the most beautiful story. I tear up even as I write this. If you only engage with one thing I post all month, please make it this powerful five-minute video.

I have no idea what the future holds for this family, but this tragic event will no doubt play a meaningful role in what happens next. I can already testify that much good has already come from this, and you get a glimpse of it in this video. This is life. It's full of joy, sorrow, love, pain, gratitude, suffering, and generosity. It doesn't make for a sexy and jealousy-worthy social media feed, but it's real; it's genuine. If I were a betting man, I’d bet my life savings that all four members of this family use this experience to make a positive impact on others, and probably change the world along the way. I’m humbled by their courage, perseverance, and positivity. They are better people than me, and I admire them so much.

Many of you are hurting today. Many of you are suffering in silence. Many of you are dealing with something that you have no idea how you'll get through. I'm so sorry. It's what makes life so hard, but at the same time, it's what makes life so beautiful. What you see on social media each day isn't real. This is real. This is life. You got this.

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Depends

Let's play a little trivia. In your opinion, which of the following people is the most successful?

• CEO of a medium-sized company

• High school teacher

• Owner of a well-known local company

• Barista at a coffee shop

• HVAC technician

• Stay-at-home mom

• Middle management in a corporate setting

• NFL player

Do you have a strong opinion on this? Which one is more successful? Or, if you need a little wiggle room, which few are the most successful?

Here's my answer: Depends. Absolutely nothing above gives me any sense of how successful or unsuccessful someone is. Rather, it just tells me what they do for a living.....and to some degree, how much money they make.

This tells me nothing about success, as I don't think success should be defined by status or income. Here's a question I'd ask each of these people: How do you feel about your upcoming day when you wake up in the morning?

• Are you dreading what you're about to do?

• Are you going to merely tolerate what you're about to do?

• Are you excited for what you're about to do?

The answer to that question tells me everything I need to know about how successful a person is. I know CEOs and small business owners who are failures, and I know teachers, baristas, servers, and blue-collar workers who are some of the most successful people I know.

When we wake up each day excited for what's about to happen - not because it's fun, but because it matters - we've already achieved a level of success that 90% of the world would die to have. That's success!

I feel so bad for people when they measure their own success (or the success of those around them) via money, stuff, and status. True success doesn't always look good, but it sure feels good. When we get to wake up and know that what we're about to do is tremendously meaningful, there's no amount of money, stuff, or status that could ever satiate us to that degree.

Outside of my children's faith, there's nothing more important to me as a father than to teach them this principle. I don't care if my kids go to college. I don't care if they make a lot of money. I don't care if they become "successful" in the eyes of the world. My biggest desire for them is that they wake up each day excited for what's about to happen. Not fun work, but meaningful work. Impactful work. Work that allows them to put their head on a pillow each night and know they gave this world all they had to offer today.

That's my definition of success. What's yours?

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Reverse Engineering Your Obituary

Several prominent people in my life have passed away in the past month. Some I knew well, and others I only knew from a distance. Regardless of my proximity to them, though, they influenced my life in some way. It was a bit surreal reading the obituaries of these folks. It's a weird text to read about people we assume will always be with us. It's a stark reminder of how the end of our lives will be here soon enough.

What will your obituary say? What do you want your obituary to say? I've thought about this topic far too much over the years. Wanna hear about a morbid (yet cool) idea? Try writing your own obituary. Seriously. Someone once asked me to perform this gory task. Write my own obituary as if I'm dead. I found this exercise to be cathartic, but productive. It forced me to really think about how I want to be remembered when I'm gone.

Reading our own obituary is like skipping to the last page of a good book. You see how the story ends, but you don't know how the character got there. And if our obituary is the last page of the story, today is the first page; everything in between is yet to be written.

Here's what struck me about this exercise. If I know what the last page of the story says and what the first page says, I get to be the author of everything in between. The only way to properly author the rest of the story is to reverse engineer the ending. If we're serious about the words we wrote in our obituary, we need to work our way backwards to ensure we get to that place between now and our last breath.

If we want to be known as a loving person, we ought to do loving things.

If we want to be known as a generous person, we ought to be generous.

If we want to be known as great parents, we ought to do things that make us great parents.

I have so much more to say about this topic, including possibly sharing my obituary. But today, I want to leave space for this idea to breathe and allow people to ponder this in their own lives. To be continued.....

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Midlife Crisis: Year 2

Today is a sad day in the Shelton household. Today is the day when my 350Z (aka my midlife crisis, as my friend Emma calls it) gets stored away for the winter. This was my second full season owning this car, and it was a fun one! I've written about this car a handful of times, but here’s my original post about buying this car after a 17-year wait.

I thought it would be fun to take stock of my experience so far. As I often write about, it's not about spending less, but spending better. In the case of buying a fun car, it's certainly not "spending less." However, does it fall into the category of "spending better?" The best way to do that is to assess the value it adds to my life and contrast it with the cost.

First, the value. It's safe to say that owning a fun little stick-shift convertible has added a tremendous amount of richness to my life. I love using this car as my daily commuter for about half the year. Road trips are a blast. Going on little crank-up-the-music around-town cruises with the boys is an amazing experience. I so much enjoy having this car in my life.

Now, the cost. This is always the wild card, and one area where most people will self-sabotage. When it comes to fun things we WANT, never underestimate our human ability to squint at the cost and justify anything (even the most insanely destructive decisions).

I paid $9,000 for this car. It was 18 years old with approximately 70,000 miles on it. Fantastic deal! However, there are lots of other costs to operate a vehicle. Here's a full breakdown of my first two years of costs:

• Sales Tax: $450

• Tags: $250

• Tows: $220

• Repairs & Maintenance: $3,079

• Insurance: $1,584

• Winter Storage: $1,000

This means my total operating costs over my first 24 months were $6,583 (or $274/month).

Lastly, we need to take depreciation into consideration. Every time drive our vehicles, we're eroding the value. We can generally assume we'll lose 15% of a vehicle's value each year. I had two things going in my favor when I purchased this car. I was buying a used car that had already experienced significant depreciation ($9,000 purchase price on a car that originally sold for $30,000+). I also bought it at a great price. The $9,000 price felt a little light compared to what I thought I would need to pay.

Today, Kelly Blue Book says the estimated private party value of my car is approximately $8,800, meaning I've lost approximately $200 of value from my original purchase price.

Let's put the two pieces together:

• 24 months of operating costs: $6,583

• 24 months of depreciation: $200

• Total 24-month cost of ownership: $6,783 ($283/month)

So, I'll ask myself that question again. Was it worth it? So much richness added to our lives, and it costs us $283/month for the privilege. Yeah, this might be the greatest bargain of my lifetime. It's not about spending less, but spending better. Turns out, this is one version of my better.

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Letting Go

As several readers pointed out, I left a major plot hole in yesterday's post about coaching my son's basketball team. To summarize, the post was a text I originally wrote (but didn’t publish) in December 2024. It was extremely self-critical and laid bare my heartbreak at realizing that my dream of coaching my kids in basketball was a failed experiment. I ended the piece with the following words: "Tough decisions need to be made. Ultimately, I owe it to everyone (including myself) to make the right decision."

Sunday was Pax's first game of the season. I played the role of a supportive parent, NOT his coach. As I wrote in December, the right decision is the right decision, even when it's not the decision we want to make.

When I decided to step away from coaching, I asked Sarah and a few others to hold me accountable to that decision. I'm glad I did, as I nearly changed my mind a half-dozen times over the past 10 months. Every ounce of me wanted to coach, even though I knew I needed to step away. Even a slight breeze could have pushed me to change my mind if I had allowed it.

Letting go is the hardest thing in the world. It reminds me of something a pastor once told me: "If everything God tells you to do is what you already wanted to do anyway, that's not God. That's you living for your own selfish desires and using God to justify it." Ouch.

Every ounce of me wanted to coach this year, but I knew deep down that letting go was the absolute right decision. Well, how did it go? Mixed results, to be honest. I was sitting in the front row of the bleachers at mid-court. Three separate times, I had to get up and leave. I paced back and forth behind the bleachers, watching from a little further behind. As Sarah would attest, I'm a quiet watcher as a fan. I never say a word. No yelling. No instruction. No verbal reactions. No anything. But inside of myself, I'm a mess. Sunday was no different. Every ounce of me wanted to be in coach mode, but Pax needed me to be a fan.

The right thing is the right thing, even when it's not what we want. There are so many things I'd change in my life if I could wave my magic wand, but unfortunately, I don't have such a wand. Therefore, I'm stuck trying to make the best decisions possible. Sometimes they benefit me, sometimes they don't. Sometimes I like them, sometimes I don't. Sometimes they make my life more comfortable, but usually they don't.

Sometimes, it's not about us. It's about doing the right thing for the right reasons.....period. While I will deeply miss coaching this season, Pax has a great coach, fantastic teammates, and a renewed energy toward the game. While I'll selfishly hurt, I will endeavor to be the best fan I can be to that little guy. He deserves that from me. Letting go is so hard, man.

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Not Going to the Grave With Me

Every so often, I feel the need to ask for Sarah's opinion before publishing a blog or podcast. Either the content is too sensitive, or I feel a tinge of doubt. Last December, when I presented something to Sarah, her response was, "Please don't post this. I think you'll regret it." I canned it. For the past 10 months, it's just been sitting in my drafts.

However, due to the passage of time, inspired by yesterday's post about not taking things to the grave, and by the beginning of Pax's basketball season yesterday, I'm ready to send it into the world. I'm still uneasy about it, and Sarah would still probably advise against publishing it, but at the same time, I feel like someone needs to hear this today. I believe some good can/will come from it. With all that said, here's the piece I originally wrote on 12/19/2024:

I used to be a good basketball coach. It was one of my biggest passions in life, spanning eight seasons from my late teens to my late 20s. For decades, I've dreamed about one day being my kids' basketball coach. After I actually became a parent and my boys started growing, I formulated a few goals. Through coaching, I wanted to spend more valuable time with my kids, invest in my kids and their friends, for my kids to learn to love the game, and add more meaning to our lives. This is my fourth year coaching my kids, and the first in a non-parks-and-recreation setting. I've come to a few realizations recently:

• I'm not as good a coach as I used to be. I have theories as to why.

• It hasn't produced more valuable time with my kids. More time, yes; more valuable, no.

• My involvement hasn't caused my kids to learn to love the game more (they struggle with the boundary between parent and coach)

Further, coaching hasn't been good for my health. I torment myself and second-guess everything I do. I spend hours (or days) after every practice or game, woulda, coulda, and shoulda'ing myself. I feel like a constant failure, always frustrated at myself for letting people down (especially the kids). Even when things feel good or seem good from the outside, I'm still a mess. Even when I should feel joy or fulfillment, I only feel disappointment in myself. 

It's a humbling experience that's tough to even type. However, I'm committed to transparency and providing ideas that may add value to other people's journeys. Here's where I'm going today. I need to face my reality head-on. As much as I want to be a coach—an excellent coach—it's probably not the best decision. As I look toward the season ahead, if I'm being 100% honest with myself, I need to play the role of supportive dad. Any other decision would be detrimental to me and others. Again, it's embarrassing to even type this.....especially because of how much I love those boys.

This is how we grow, though. If we continually linger in places and roles we're not meant to be in, everyone loses. We lose by suffering on this side while missing out on something far more beautiful on the other. Other people also suffer from being on the receiving end of our lack of excellence. Lastly, other individuals who are better suited and called to these positions miss out on the opportunity.

I preach this concept all the time when it comes to our work and careers. If I believe in these principles (I do) and also believe they apply to other areas of life (I do), I need to humble myself and make the right decision. Unfortunately, the right decision isn't always the most enjoyable one. We have one more week of basketball left this season, and I will give it everything I have. Then, tough decisions need to be made. Ultimately, I owe it to everyone (including myself) to make the right decision.

The same applies to you, in all areas of your life. 

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So?

One of my friends is at a crossroads. On one hand, he absolutely hates his job. It's soul-sucking and has repeatedly beaten him down for the past decade. On the other hand, he has some very clear and definable ambitions. He knows exactly what he doesn't want to do......and he knows exactly what he does want to do. There's one thing that stands in his way, though. "What if I'm not good at it?" Fear. More specifically, the fear of failure.

My response was concise: "So?"

We humans are so hard-wired to avoid failure that we'll willingly endure decades of misery in order to prevent ourselves from failing. In my opinion, the fear of failure is the number one reason why most of us don't pursue the things we want most.

What if nobody buys my book?

So?

What if I don't make the team?

So?

What if she's not interested?

So?

What if they don't hire me?

So?

What if the business doesn't take off?

So?

I, too, used to fall in the fear-of-failure camp. Then, something happened. Instead of asking myself, "What if I fail?" I started asking myself two different questions:

• "What's the worst that can happen if I fail?"

• "What if I succeed?"

In most cases, the worst-case scenario of failure had less to do with actual loss than it had to do with bruising my own ego. It was a pride play!

On the flip side, the answer to my "What if I succeed?" question was usually far more amazing than my "What's the worst that can happen if I fail?" answer was terrible.

This eventually morphed into a new conversation that would play out in my head each time I experienced self-talk.

• "Negative blah blah blah."

• "So?"

• "More dumb negative blah blah blah"

• "So?"

The power is in the "So?" In a world that not only tells us we can't, but also that we shouldn't, I think we should change it to we CAN and we SHOULD. Yeah, crappy things could happen, but so?

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A Heavy Anchor

A huge shout-out to the couple that granted me permission to share this story. I pray good comes from it, and that my harsh-ish words can move the needle in their marriage!

Picture this. I'm sitting face-to-face with a couple. They are stressed, frustrated, and borderline depressed. The tension in the marriage is palpable. You could cut the desperation with a knife. Finances are killing them! Specifically, a lack of income is killing them.

Oh yeah, I should probably add one more piece of information to the picture: Their monthly take-home income is $22,000. Yeah, you heard that correctly. $22,000/month......every month. And according to them, there's simply not enough money to keep the train on the tracks. Or, as they put it, "It costs a lot just to survive these days!"

At one point in the conversation, I pointed out to them that just their monthly housing cost (plus utilities) rivals what most people in their town make in a month. They looked at me like I had an alien growing out of my forehead. Again, I tried to put into perspective just how much money they make. They continued to stare at the alien apparently bursting from my face. I explained that the client I met with earlier in the day (who coincidentally lives 1/4 of a mile from them) has a total take-home income of about $7,000/month (and is thriving!). The wife looked like she was either going to have an aneurysm and/or hop over the table to stab me.

I don't know about you, but most people don't even dream about making $22,000/month take-home. In fact, most people probably wouldn't even know what to do with that type of income. Yet here I was, talking to a couple who were lamenting that $22,000 isn't enough monthly income to even survive.

I was getting nowhere. I asked them how much money they made early in their marriage; "Probably $4,000/month." Well, that's a bit different from their current situation. "But the world has changed a lot since then." Fact check: That was seven years ago.

Here's the harsh truth. Unless we're willing to live with humility and contentment, there's no amount of income that can satisfy us. The problem with more is that every time we get more, more is still more.

I offered a few suggestions for how this couple could create financial margin. In some families' situations, it can be challenging to open up much-needed margin. This family, however, has a treasure trove of options for swiftly and materially lightening the tension in their finances. Want to know where they landed? The husband is going to pick up some extra work on the side (nights and weekends) to see if they can make a few thousand more per month.

Here's my promise to them. If they stay on this course, we'll be talking a few years from now. They will be making $25,000-$30,000 per month, yet feel just as broke, stressed, and resentful as they do now......if their marriage survives.

They deserve better than this. You deserve better than this. We all deserve better than this. Don't let the curse of more pull you down.....it's one of the heaviest anchors ever created.

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Just Imagine If You Did

Whoa! I received a scathing message from someone about yesterday's post. I'll share the short (and clean) summary of this man's message. He hates his job, but has a TON of meaning in his life. Between his family, friends, traveling, and hobbies, his life is full of meaning and he doesn't need a "f@#%ing job" to give him meaning.

First, I know this person at a high level. Perhaps not well enough for him to launch a stream of obscenities at me, but oh well. Here's one thing I do know about this person. He does, in fact, have a ton of meaning in his life. I see it with my own two eyes. On the flip side, I didn't realize the gravity of how much he hates his job. We're talking dread every moment of every work day type hate.

Nonetheless, he lives a meaningful life outside of work and tries to compensate for the misery he feels about his work. It's an admirable pursue, and I give him props for that.

Here is my five-word response to his lashing about not needing a job that provides him meaning: "Just imagine if you did."

1/2 of his waking hours are spent with deep meaning, and the other 1/2 are spent in deep misery. Just imagine if he had a job that provided meaning. He'd be so unbelievably fulfilled! Today, though, his life is a pendulum of joy and misery. Friday afternoons through Sunday mornings (plus some nights) are amazing, while Sunday afternoon through mid-day Friday are largely a buzzsaw on his physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

Just imagine if he had meaning in his work, too! He's probably be the happiest and most energetic person I know, Instead, he's content with 1/2 his waking hours being miserable because at least the other 1/2 is pretty awesome.

Just imagine! I used to imagine the same thing, then decided to put some action behind the imagination. Six and a half years later, I can testify that having both halves of our live provide deep meaning is the world's most amazing super power. I know many other people that would testify the same.

Just imagine!

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Rich

I recently met with a new client. Right on cue, I opened the couple's spreadsheet and prepared to cast it onto the TV affixed on the wall. As I was about to start talking, the husband interrupted. "No matter what your spreadsheet says, we're rich."

You better believe I was interested in what he had to say! He proceeded to share how amazing their life is:

• Awesome marriage

• Healthy kids

• Safe neighborhood

• Annual vacation

• Work they each enjoy

• Great friendships

• Engaged at church

In short, regardless of how much wealth or income they have, they've already made it.

Want to know my opinion? They are 100% right. They are rich. They live such a beautiful life. Sure, they'd like to handle their money better (which is why they hired me), but that's a consolation prize to the game they are actually playing. They know what matters most, and they are playing to win!

It's one of the most fun ironies about money. When we define success as more money, stuff, and status, we'll spend our best years chasing. Conversely, when we define success as more meaning, we'll naturally feel more financially successful as our material contentment grows.

They are rich. The best kind of rich. They don't need the world to define a shallow and materialistic scoreboard for them. They have a better scoreboard, and they are crushing it. The world might not see it that way, but they don't seem to care what the world thinks.

Neither should you.

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My Collections

In yesterday's post, I confessed that I don't personally collect anything. Everyone around me seems to have collections, but my life is seemingly void of collectibles. Does that make me weird? Am I missing out? I challenged our readers to share their viewpoints and perspectives on collecting. I so much appreciate your insights.

After much consideration, it dawned on me that I do, in fact, collect things. However, instead of collecting material things like I used to when I was younger, my collections look different now. I'm not sure how I missed it so badly yesterday, but it turns out I'm indeed a collector. Here's what my collections look like:

• I collect memories.

• I collect experiences.

• I collect photos and videos.

• I collect trips.

• I collect countries visited.

• I collect food eaten.

• I collect sights seen.

• I collect first-time endeavors with my kids.

• I collect impactful moments with those whom I have the honor of serving.

I totally missed the mark yesterday when I was focused too much on the physical, and not enough on the intangible.Those things I listed above? I cherish them so much, and if I'm honest, I pursue them violently.

I recently read a study about why time seems to go faster as we age. Turns out, there's a scientific answer for it. Our brains measure time in significant events: first-time experiences, landmark moments, profound experiences, etc. When we're younger, we naturally have more of these moments in our lives. The world feels new and exciting. We're more likely to be adventurous. We have a childlike wonder.

Then, as time passes, that childlike wonder begins to fade. What once felt new and exciting starts to feel bleh. When I was a kid, I remember the astonishment I felt each time my family drove into downtown Chicago. The buildings, the lights, the sounds, the people. It was all so....intense! Today, though, it's a different experience. I took my family there a few weeks ago. This time, it was just a cool city. I still love Chicago, but the wonder has somewhat faded.

This is why it's so important for me to collect memories and experiences. The more often I approach life with a childlike wonder, the more significant events get seared into my brain. How has this panned out? The 20 years from age 18 to 38 seem like a blur, gone in the snap of a finger. On the flip side, the six years from 38 to 44, intentionally approaching life with this new mindset, have felt like two decades. I've had more monumental memories and experiences in the past six years than I did in the 20 years prior to that, combined. That's very cool to think about; that's very depressing to think about. But I'm going to focus on the cool here!

Collect memories. Collect experiences. Collect impact. The act of collecting that which is intangible is a tangible effort toward a more meaningful and enduring life. I'm not even sure if that last sentence makes sense, but upon 15 reviews, I'm gonna stick with it!

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Collecting?

A friend recently asked me what I collect. In response, I just stared at him. My brain was churning, but nothing was registering. Collecting....collecting....collecting. What do I collect? I couldn't think of anything. I don't collect anything?!?!

I used to collect baseball cards. I used to collect video games. I used to collect watches. I used to collect Chicago Bulls memorabilia. I used to collect DVDs. I used to collect CDs. Today, though, I can't think of a single thing I collect. Is that weird? It feels weird to me, but at the same time, I can't think of anything I would want to collect.

It feels odd to me that I used to collect lots of things, but now collect nothing. I have some theories on why I don't collect things anymore, but I'll save those theories for another day.

What about you? What do you collect? What moves the needle for you? Why? What does it do for you? How does it add meaning to your life? I'm genuinely fascinated by this topic. I want to learn what others are doing.....and why. I feel like i might be missing something in my own life, but I'm not sure what.

Please hit reply if you receive this blog via e-mail, or please comment below if you are reading on the website. I can't wait to learn more about this topic, and your perspectives on it.

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…..For Me

Whoa, I really stepped on a landmine with yesterday's post. I received countless e-mails and texts from people about my young friend's "irresponsible" coffee habit. To summarize, I have a young friend who recently gave up her six-times-per-week coffee shop visits. Making this sacrifice saves her $150/month, which sounds great......on the surface. Ultimately, though, she gave up one of the most important things in her life while blindly keeping a $675/month car payment that she couldn't care less about. The entire point of the piece was to suggest that we ought to thoughtfully look at our big rocks before willfully giving up smaller things that matter so much to us.

The hate came rushing in! To summarize at least a dozen people's responses to my article: Going to coffee shops is a waste of money.

That's it. Buying fancy coffee drinks at coffee shops is a terrible use of money. It's reckless, irresponsible, and foolish. There are a million better uses for that money than buying dumb coffee. That's the narrative.

Please allow me to rephrase the response I received from people: "Going to coffee shops is a waste of money.....for me."

The same can be said about countless other things:

• Golf is a waste of money......for me.

• Fancy restaurants are a waste of money.....for me.

• Hunting and fishing equipment is a waste of money.....for me.

• Sports and concert tickets are a waste of money.....for me.

• Spa treatments are a waste of money.....for me.

• Vacations are a waste of money.....for me.

• High-end fitness studios are a waste of money.....for me.

I have great news for you today. It doesn't matter what other people think you should do with your money. They have different values than you. They have different priorities than you. They have different beliefs than you. They have different standards than you.

When I look at the list of possible expenditures above, some appear awesome and some are a waste of money.....for me. If you discern the same list, you're going to have different answers.....for you. That's the beauty of pursuing meaning in our lives. It looks different for everyone. As soon as someone tries to tell you what should matter and what shouldn't, they've lost credibility to speak into your decision-making.

I don't care what expenditures you value and which ones you don't. My biggest care is that you know what's important to you, pursue it aggressively, and know what's not important to you, and avoid it just as aggressively. Whether you love or hate coffee, act accordingly. Whether you love or hate vacations, act accordingly. Whether you love or hate ____, act accordingly. That's where the rubber meets the road in finding more meaning in our money. Please don't fall for the trap of living other people's values. Your values are awesome enough.

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Don’t Miss the Big Rocks

One of my friends wants to get right with her money. She's sick of working so hard, yet feeling so little progress. She makes good money, but there never seems to be enough. She might as well be a hamster in a wheel. She's running fast, but not going far.

Here's another fact about my friend. She loves coffee! By "love," I mean it's one of her favorite things in the world. If she were to be honest, there are few things in life more enjoyable than going to her favorite coffee shop, spending time with the staff and other customers, and enjoying a good coffee drink. 

With that context in mind, here's what happened. She recently confessed to me that she stopped buying coffees. Her tone was simultaneously proud and depressed. Proud that she's able to save money on coffee, but depressed that she just sacrificed her favorite thing in the world. 

The sacrifice isn't immaterial, though. At about $6.50 per day, approximately six days per week, that's around $150/month she's now saving by not going out for coffee. Pretty cool, right? I'm sure the world will applaud her prudence and responsibility.

I have a different take, though. Yes, she's saving $150/month that can now go toward other expenses and goals. That's fantastic, but in doing so, she literally gave up one of the most valuable things in her life. That's a pretty tough sell for me.

In our conversation, I asked her a few other questions. Here's a little tidbit I found out: Her car payment is $675/month. Here's another fun fact: She doesn't give a crap about her car. It's a car. It gets her from Point A to Point B. Her decision to buy such a car stemmed from her family's insistence that she get something "reliable," and her peers' encouragement that she deserved to drive something nicer. Thus, she now spends $675/month on a car that barely moves the needle for her.

It's an interesting comparison. She gave up one of her favorite things in life to save $150/month, while at the same time, she is blindly paying $675/month for something she doesn't care about. I think she missed the mark.

Don't miss the big rocks in your life. It's so easy to point our fingers at the small, but obvious items in our lives that "we don't need." However, instead of trying to rob ourselves of the little pleasures that can add richness to our lives, perhaps we need to look for the bigger rocks; the larger but less obvious expenditures that significantly move the needle. Most of us have them......several of them.

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The Financial Paradox

I received a message from a blog reader the other day. In fairness, this person is also a trusted friend who has earned the right to be brutally honest with me. Here's what he said:

"For stressing the importance of meaning over money, you sure do talk about money a lot."

Ouch! While I could have taken offense to this, I think it brings up an important idea. There's a fun little paradox when it comes to this idea of focusing on the meaning by focusing on our finances.

When we don't properly address our finances and instead try to simply enjoy life, we find ourselves stressed out about money and feeling the weight of our financial pressures. Alternatively, when we spend time and energy intentionally handling our finances, it's much easier to live a life with materially less financial stress, without the weight of financial pressures.

In other words, when we spend adequate time and energy on getting our money right, we don't actually have to think nearly as much about money. See the paradox? When it comes to my own finances, I probably spend 15 minutes per week on finances. I allocate my transactions in my budgeting app, pay a handful of bills, and transfer some money. Once per month, I'll spend 10 minutes creating the following month's budget, then Sarah and I spend 5-10 minutes discussing/negotiating it. Then, probably around the 20th of the month, Sarah and I will talk for another 10 minutes to ensure we're not getting too far ahead of any given category. That's it, probably less than two hours per month.

Then, during the other 718 hours per month, we try to enjoy a meaningful life. We don't focus on the money so that we can obsess about the money. Rather, we focus on the money so that we don't have to dwell on the money.

No, we shouldn't constantly obsess about our money. At the same time, though, it's critical that we spend enough time getting our money right so that it doesn't have to be the frustrating elephant in the room for those other 718 hours.

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At 4PM

Where will you be at 4PM today? Not physically, but mentally, emotionally. What will be going through your mind when the bell strikes four? Studies show that 4PM on Sunday afternoons is the most depressing hour of the week. Why? The weekend has largely come to a close, and now our attention has shifted to what's ahead.....and what's ahead is work tomorrow. And considering 70% of Americans dislike or hate their jobs, by 4PM on Sunday afternoons, most people enter what's referred to as the Sunday Scaries.

Have you ever had the Sunday Scaries? I know I have! Based on the data, there's a high likelihood that more than half the people reading this know exactly what I'm talking about!

What about you, today? Will you be feeling the Sunday Scaries later today? Some of you already know the answer is "yes." If that's you, I have good news and bad news.

First, the good news. A different reality exists! Each of us has the power to choose a path that doesn't involve the Sunday Scaries. In fact, there's a reality where Sunday nights become one of the best nights of the week! It can be a chance to reflect on the fun weekend that was, while simultaneously getting excited for the good work that's to come.

Now, the bad news. Living a Sunday Scaries-free life doesn't happen by accident. We can't luck ourselves into it. It won't just automatically click. Removing the Sunday Scaries requires each of us to be intentional, taking specific steps to change our course. It often requires us to abandon comfort in pursuit of something grossly uncomfortable. The fear of the unknown is almost always scarier than our own sucky reality. However, what if I told you that the unknown you're so scared of can actually be oh so awesome?

I'm so unbelievably excited for Monday. By 4PM today, I will be increasingly pumped for the work I'm about to do this week. I can't tell you I've always lived in this reality, and I can't tell you it was easy to move into this new reality, but I will tell you that it was worth it every single bit.

Set an alarm on your phone for 4PM today. When it goes off, ask yourself how you're feeling. Take that answer for whatever it's worth.

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In a Snap

I have a story you've probably never heard. It's a story that took place more than eight years ago, but at the same time, it might as well have been eight days ago. It's a story that rocked me to the core then, and its implications still linger today.

After adopting our two little men (we brought them home on their one-month birthday), we knew we wanted to become parents again. We felt it in our souls. It wasn't a matter of if, but when. After the boys' first birthday, we decided to fire up the adoption process once again.

As our boys approached the 18-month-old mark, we found out we would soon be blessed with twin baby girls. We were ecstatic in ways I could never even express in words. In so many ways, this was the ultimate answer to our prayers.

Then, it happened. After a sequence of truly tragic events, we lost our daughters. To say we were gutted would be the understatement of a lifetime. At the same time, though, we still needed to love and parent those cute little boys at home. It was the loneliest and most numbing island either of us had ever been on. Mourning a tragic loss while also trying to be grateful for what God has already blessed us with. It felt like a paradoxical whipsaw.

In a snap, our lives changed forever. We were so broken by what happened that we closed the door on future children. I've since come to terms with all that happened, and I'm truly grateful for my two little men. Being their dad is one of the greatest joys of my life.

It's crazy how much life can change in a snap! One minute our world looks a certain way, then BOOM, it will never be the same again. These thoughts are always on my mind when I'm meeting with coaching clients. It's one thing to manage our life, work, and finances under the assumption that life is one way, but does our plan work if life changes in a snap?

This is where so many people get burned. Their lives are engineered for things to work so long as their reality remains similar to what it is today. What about the snap!?!? What will we do if our lives change in a snap? Can we navigate the choppy waters? Will we be able to pivot? Do we have the margin necessary to keep the proverbial train on the tracks?

I don't share my little sob story to garner pity. Rather, I want to illustrate that life can (and does) change in a snap. My biggest encouragement for you today is to prepare your lives for the snap. Where do you need to create margin? Where is your life currently too rigid and in need of flexibility? What shifts would you be able to make if everything blows up in your face?

I hope your life significantly lacks these negative in-a-snap moments, but let's not bank on it.

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