Massive Blind Spots

Before I dive in, I need to clarify one thing. This post is NOT political. In fact, my goal is for you not to know which side of the fence I sit on by the time you finish this piece. Please remember this as you continue.

By now, most people have probably heard about and watched the video footage from the horrific incident that took place last week in Minneapolis. Just to be clear, what I'm talking about is a situation where an ICE agent shot and killed a woman in a vehicle. Regardless of your leanings, this incident was tragic. Many lives have and will be ruined as a result of this event.

Once again, this is another story that has ripped the country in half. Anger, resentment, vengeance, and all sorts of negative feelings are stirring all around us. Immediately after the story broke, people made up their minds about the "truth." Without knowing anything, people already knew what happened......and coincidentally, the "truth" about what happened aligns perfectly with their prevailing beliefs.

In the following days, more information and video footage of the event surfaced. All this new information filled in the gaps and provided more clarity on the truth. Something interesting happened, though. Despite having even more information, people were as split as ever about the "truth." One person could watch all the video footage and conclude one "truth," and another person could watch all the video footage and conclude a completely different "truth." To one person, the footage proves the shooting victim was 100% innocent, and it's an open-and-shut case of corrupt and evil law enforcement. To another person, the very same footgate proves the law enforcement agent was 100% innocent, and it's an open-and-shut case of the natural consequences of domestic terrorism.

How can we all watch the exact same video footage and reach polar-opposite verdicts? Because we humans ultimately see what we want to see. If we want to see corrupt law enforcement, we'll see corrupt law enforcement. If we want to see domestic terrorism, we'll see domestic terrorism. We'll absorb the facts and details that support our already-held beliefs while disregarding, dismissing, or minimizing the facts that may be contrary to what we want to believe.

I shared this idea with a handful of friends over the past few days. Every single person, without fail, explained to me that I was wrong and tried to convince me that their perspective was the absolute "truth"......and these were people on polar opposite sides from each other. See the irony here?

Life is full of nuance. If all we do is look for the facts to support what we already want to be true (which, again, is a subconscious phenomenon), we're doomed. We're doomed on a relational level, we're doomed on a personal growth level, and we're doomed on a success level. Our blind spots will crush us, either drip by drip or quite violently.

I certainly don't always get this right, but man, I try to be aware. Very few things in life are 100%/0%….the truth typically lives somewhere in the middle. We all have massive blind spots. I encourage you to find yours, and in the meantime, I'll continue seeking mine.

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A Neutral Gear

One of my young friends texted me about the recent developments in Venezuela. He wanted to know how I feel about the situation. I told him, in short, I don't know. Everyone is so quick to have a snap judgment, one way or another, on every topic. In my mind, it's not a simple black-and-white issue; it's complex. Further, I simply don't know enough to have a strong opinion. Perhaps I will at some point, but it's okay not to be an expert at everything.

Considering I write and podcast regularly, I'm no stranger to having opinions. However, I hope people can appreciate my strong desire to stay in my lane. I don't claim to be an expert on every topic in the world. I know what I know, and I don't know the things I don't know.

Social media has turned us into a society where we're forced to immediately jump to one side or the other. One day we're medical experts, the next we're geopolitical experts. One day we're economists, and the next we're environmental scientists. Every time a news story breaks, we quickly rush to our side and staunchly defend it without concern for the facts or truth.

Today, I'm advocating for having a neutral gear. It's okay to sit in neutral while we learn, digest, and process. We don't have to be an expert. We don't need to die on every hill. It's okay to acknowledge that a topic or situation has nuances and complexities.

If you're willing to die on every hill, you have no hills. If you're an expert on every topic, you're not an expert at anything. If it's so quick and easy to pick a side on every topic, the facts don't really matter.

I have my share of opinions, for sure. However, for the other 95% of topics in the world, I try to sit in neutral until I can truly understand them. It's not a race to get there quickly; it's a journey to get it right. I invite you to have a neutral gear as well.

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Wanted: More “Jerk” Friends

What was intended to be a tongue-in-cheek homage to one of my friends yesterday turned into something bigger than I ever imagined. I received countless texts, e-mails, and phone calls about it. People shared stories about how "jerk" friends in their lives have made a huge impact on them. People shared stories about times they had to step in and be the jerk to someone they loved. A few people shared about how they would take a bullet for their jerk friends. Then, someone said this:

"I wish I had some jerk friends in my life. I think my life would have turned out different if I did. Everyone around me just always affirmed whatever I wanted to do. Hope you know how lucky you are to have some "jerks" in your life."

It reminds me of a conversation I had a few years ago with a former colleague. This dude is seriously successful by the world's standards. He has a fancy job with a fancy title, and the compensation package to go with it. His family lives in a big house, drives beautiful cars, travels to exotic locations, and lives a lifestyle that makes their social media followers drool.

He and I were talking about an upcoming trip I was taking to the Boundary Waters with some of my closest friends. I shared how much some of those guys meant to me and how much impact those trips have on me. Then, he said something that shocked me: "I don't have a single friend like that. To be honest, I'm not sure I have any friend I would call that type of friend."

"Why not?" I asked.

"I don't have time. Work is just too busy. Has been for years. I kind of had to let the friend thing go."

This guy might be wealthy, but is he rich? As a society, I think we need to think long and hard about this question. What is rich? Is it money? Is it stuff? Is it status? I'll die on the hill and say "no" to all of those. Wealth is wealth, but rich is something entirely different altogether. Wealth sits in a bank account and looks impressive on social media. Rich runs through our veins and into our souls. Rich creates a depth to our lives that no money, stuff, or status could ever replicate.

I don't care if you're wealthy or not, but I deeply desire you to live a rich life. If you want a hint on where to start, look at the people you surround yourself with. Find people who move the needle in your life, and vice versa. Invest in them. Embrace them, and never take them for granted. Regardless of what life throws at you, those people will add a richness to life that nothing can take away.

Merry Christmas Eve, all. I hope you have a wonderful and blessed day!

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My Friend Is a Jerk

My family has been eagerly anticipating an upcoming trip to Asia. It will be Finn and Pax's first time to Asia, and showing them that region of the world is one of the biggest excitements of my life. In fact, most people don't know that our family was slated to partially relocate to Asia several years ago. Our plan was to split our year between the U.S. and Asia. We sold our house, significantly downsized, and rented a townhome that would be easy to maintain in our absence. All that remained was to purchase our plane tickets. Then, COVID struck a week later, and unraveled our best-laid plans. Oh well, such is life.

Back to our upcoming trip. Needless to say, I'm beyond excited for this trip. But then, my family got uninvited. My friend, who is clearly a jerk, told me I'm not allowed to come now. Can you believe the audacity?!?! I was pretty frustrated with him. I was excited to see him, my other friends, and the amazing culture we would engage with. However, he had to pull a jerk move and crush my hopes and dreams.

He added (paraphrased): "I love you too much to allow you to make this decision for yourself. You need to take care of yourself and your health. There will be lots more trips for us in the future. But you need to sit this one out. I'm not going to force you to make this difficult decision, so I'm making it for you."

He's referring to my recent neck injury and the devastation it's caused to my life. I've regained my cognitive function and my short-term memory, but life is still challenging physically. His biggest worries are how the 36-hour travel days, endless time in vehicles, and constant grind this trip will risk the recent progress I've made. He's not wrong........unfortunately.

While I don't love his jerk move, I love how well he loves me. We need people like this in our lives. People who will love us well enough to NOT tell us what we want to hear. People who will love us well enough to NOT allow us to hurt ourselves. People who will love us well enough to NOT sit back idly while we make stupid decisions.

There have been countless studies done about the science of happiness. Money makes us really, really happy......until our needs are met. Then, once our needs are met (plus a little more), money doesn't move the needle too much. The studies show that three things definitely do, though:

• Work that matters

• Generosity

• Meaningful relationships

Meaningful relationships. Man, I can't even explain how much my friends mean to me. I'd give up every penny in my life for those I'm closest to. There are a handful of people in my life who will joyfully be the biggest jerks in the world in order to save me from myself. That's love. That's meaning. That's happiness. I'm eternally grateful for each of them!

I'm so brutally upset that I have to miss this upcoming trip with my family, but I need to do what's right, regardless of how frustrating it is. I hope you have some jerk friends who will do this for you, too.

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Next Man Down

Three weeks ago today, I wrote a piece about the importance of savoring the holiday season. In the last paragraph, I included the following sentence: "I'm excited for this holiday season, but as always, I'm nervous I'll find a way to screw it up." That was a tremendously foreshadow-y quote, considering that my life was dramatically altered just hours after I published that piece. That's when my neck injury escalated, my cognitive impairment developed, and I began a multi-week journey to simply regain a sense of "normal."

I arrived back home last night after spending the week at a client site in Nebraska. I was tremendously grateful for the opportunity to get back to work after being essentially incapacitated for two weeks, and it was awesome to get myself back up and running. Fortunately, my remaining brain fog and level-9 pain subsided by Monday night, and I was able to battle through a level-5 slog for the remainder of the week. All in all, I'm so appreciative of the week I had and the work completed.

Less than 20 minutes after arriving home last night, one of my little guys vomited on me. He missed the last two days of school this week with the flu (he looks pitiful), and he's in a world of hurt.

Needless to say, we're limping into Christmas. We were supposed to spend this weekend enjoying the holiday spirit in downtown Chicago: cancelled. Their cousins were supposed to visit while I was away: cancelled. Other fun Christmas-themed events: cancelled.

We have two options:

1. Complain about how sour the lemons taste

2. Make lemonade

I don't know what the coming days will look like in the Shelton household, but we'll refocus and find different ways to create fun memories and enjoy our time together.

Is your holiday season going perfectly like a Hallmark Christmas movie? If so, soak it all in! Enjoy the good fortune. Make the most of it. And for the other 80% of you who might be living in a Lifetime Christmas movie, embrace it for whatever it is. Pivot, adjust, make the best of your "unique" opportunity. Know you're not alone.....despite what everyone else's perfect social media feed might say.

Happy pre-Christmas weekend, everyone! Hope you have an awesome day!

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Let the Truth Be the Truth

Taylor Swift is one of the most polarizing figures in the world. She's beloved beyond belief......and hated beyond belief. While she's not my cup of tea when it comes to music, having been to one of her live shows about a decade ago, I have to admit she's probably one of the best live performers in the world. Her concerts are spectacles.

Her recently completed Eras tour is among the most successful in music history. Taylor and her team performed 149 shows in 51 cities on five different continents. After all the number-crunching was completed, it solidified its status as the highest-grossing tour in history (approximately $2 billion). The craziest part of all this is that not a single show was cancelled (sickness, injury, fatigue, or any other factor). The fans counted on her to show up, and she delivered night in and night out, regardless of how she was feeling or other life circumstances.

I recently saw something that stopped me in my tracks. It was an excerpt from a new documentary about her tour. I'll set the stage. Taylor, known for taking care of people around her, gathered her on-stage dance team. She handed out handwritten cards to everyone, then asked one of the men to read his aloud, noting that everyone's card said the same thing.

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The man reads aloud: "We've traveled the world like we set out to do. We've dazzled the crowds, but missed family, too. My full gratitude doesn't come from a bank, but here's (bleep) dollars, just to say thanks."

When he read the bleeped number, you could see everyone in the room shudder; hands to mouths, knees wobbly, eyes bulging. What did he say?!?!

After diving into the comments and finding some lip-reading experts, it was generally concluded that the number he read aloud was $750,000. Each dancer in that room was given $750,000!!!! Not their pay, their bonus. They've already been paid what they signed up for. This extreme act of generosity was unprecedented.

In total, it's reported that Taylor Swift gave away $197 million in bonuses over a few days. $750,000 to dancers, $100,000 to truck drivers, and so on. Just like that, Taylor gave away nearly $200,000,000 (out of her own pocket) above and beyond what her team was already paid for their jobs. Unreal!

As is usually the case with social media, the trolls came out to play:

• "It just proves she screwed the fans with her high ticket prices."

• "She should have given a lot more, considering how rich she already is."

• "All her merch proves she's just greedy."

• "She's just flaunting her money at this point."

• "She only gave away 10% of the profit....she's a cheap ass!" (It's worth noting that the bonuses were 10% of the $2B of revenue, not profit. Her profit was significantly lower after factoring in all the costs.

People can say whatever they want, but Taylor Swift clearly cares deeply about people. Her fans (she didn't miss a single show!), her crew ($197 million in bonuses!), and the people closest to her (she has a reputation for being ultra-loyal). Yet, regardless of what she does, people will hate her relentlessly.

None of us will ever be Taylor Swift, but she demonstrates an important concept. Just let the truth be the truth. Be generous. Show love. Treat people extraordinarily well. Recognize those who help us on our journey. Let the truth be the truth, and the rest will sort itself out.

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Extravagant With a Capital "E"

One of the (very few) perks to being completely debilitated is having the time to scroll and read. Bad news: My short-term memory has been very poor, and I don't retain much of what's happening around me. Good news: I sometimes have the wherewithal in the moment to text message myself good ideas.

Today's post is one such good idea. I stumbled upon a fun little video that perfectly exemplifies one of my favorite concepts. When it comes to giving, it's not enough to give just enough. When done with the right heart and for the right reasons, giving should be extravagant. It should be sacrificial. It should create a moment. The following video clip is just that:

@globalmindapparel ♬ original sound - Global Mind Apparel

I know many of you won't watch this video, so please allow me to describe. A little boy and his father walk into a shoe store. The boy is in the middle of basketball season and needs a new pair of shoes. His dad said he could buy anything that costs less than $75. Shoe after shoe after shoe disappoints him, as he can't find anything for less than $75.

Disappointed, he starts walking toward the exit. This is where the story picks up. A young lady notices what's happening and decides to catch him as he's leaving. After hearing his story, she tells the boy that he can pick out any shoe in the store and she'll buy it for him.

After looking around, the boy picks up a $175 pair of LeBron's. The dad hesitated, citing the high price. The young lady insisted, stating:

• She knows what it's like to not have enough.

• There's no point in having money if you can't bless others.

• Why should she be in this store to buy her 10th pair of shoes when there's someone who can't even afford their first pair?

This young lady could have taken the gift in a few different directions. She could have said she'd make up the difference between the actual cost and the $75 budget that the dad could afford. Or she could have offered to buy a more reasonably priced pair of shoes. Instead, she decided to be extravagant in her generosity. Any pair he wanted.....period.

She created a moment. It's these types of stories that can change both parties. For her, that act of joyful and extravagant giving may have unlocked something in her. Perhaps that was the catalyst that sent her down a journey of generosity. For that boy, who knows what seed she just planted in him. Maybe 25 years from now, he'll be a multi-millionaire spreading generosity all around him, citing the impact a young woman once had on his life when he was just a boy. Every gift, even a $175 pair of shoes, has the potential to change someone's world.

I encourage you to look for moments like this. Extravagant moments. Special moments. Generosity that will move the needle in someone's journey. If even a pair of shoes can create that, just imagine how much possibility is on the table!

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Memories Don’t Discriminate

Earlier this week, Sarah and I took the boys to see Elf in the movie theater. It was one of those cool theaters where they serve you dinner during the movie. The real magic happened the night before, though, when we shared the news of this upcoming family outing. Both boys immediately screamed in excitement and jumped wildly around the kitchen. Blood-curdling screams of euphoria. Eardrum-piercing screams of joy. To go watch a 20+ year-old movie they've seen a dozen times.

Memories don't discriminate. Those boys reacted as if we were surprising them with a trip to Disney, except our surprise cost $80, not $8,000. I know I beat on this drum often, but I don't think there are enough reps to appropriately make this point. Memories are memories because they are memories. We need not spend tons of money to create them. Financial resources are NOT the prerequisite to memories. Memories don't discriminate.

We're living in a time where more and more people feel frustrated and defeated. Families are struggling financially. The tension is tightly wound. It can sometimes feel like it's all too much.

I hate that for everyone living in that reality. At the same time, however, I want to encourage parents to create memories regardless of financial resources. Sure, expensive memories are expensive, but affordable memories are affordable. At the end of the day, however, memories don't discriminate. Years down the road, your kids won't remember how much (or how little) a memory cost their parents. All they will know is how the memory made them feel.

As such, create, create, create. Use whatever creativity and resources you do have to create the coolest memories possible for your family. Don't give up or feel defeated. Drive around and look at Christmas lights. Go get hot chocolates and watch the carolers. Open Netflix and snuggle up to a holiday classic on the couch. Make tree ornaments or gingerbread houses. Volunteer together at a local shelter or food pantry. Find a big hill to sled. Just make memories! Memories don't discriminate.

Regardless of where you stand financially this season, you have an opportunity to make this the best Christmas season ever, abounding in memories and experiences. Make it happen, and enjoy the ride!

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Health vs. Wealth

I recently read an article about how, at the time of publishing, the world's richest man fell ill and quickly passed away at a fairly early age. He was in his 40s. The spirit of the article was his friends and family acknowledging that none of that wealth really meant anything. He was gone, forever.

The very same day, I stumbled upon a tweet by a deca-millionaire. He's the founder of multiple start-ups and is known as a tremendously successful (and wealthy) entrepreneur. He had just been diagnosed with stage four cancer in his mid-40s. The tweet, in essence, stated that he would give up everything he's ever earned or achieved in exchange for his health.

Health vs. wealth. It's an interesting dynamic, and one we don't think about until it's thrust upon us. Three days ago, I threw my back out. I've been riding the struggle bus for days, which has only worsened. At the moment, I can't even turn my head in either direction—utter misery for days on end. In my current state, my quality of life is approximately zero. I'm a shell of my normal self. As I sit here in dire pain, I'd give up literally anything to feel healthy again.

Isn't it interesting how our natural human instinct is always to give up the material trappings of this world for the sake of our health? What does that tell us? What should it tell us? For me, It's another reminder that meaning always supercedes money. Even when we act and behave as though it doesn't, at the core of our being, we know there's more to life than money. Sometimes, though, it takes a harsh and scary reminder of our mortality to trigger that human instinct.

Here's the irony of this post. Some people will read it, and it will hit far too close to home. You'll immediately think about your current or previous health afflictions and violently nod your head up and down in affirmation of my words. Others, who haven't yet experienced significant health concerns, will think to themselves, "Sure, sure, but I'll take the wealth!"

Perspective changes everything. In an ideal world, I'd love for everyone to get a healthy dose of perspective change without having to endure the pain, suffering, and unknowns of major health crises. Appreciating good health and knowing it always trumps money, stuff, and status is a super hack to life. When we truly appreciate good health, daily life takes on an entirely different meaning.

Here's to a safe, healthy, and fulfilling holiday season. I hope you and those closest to you stay well!

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The Home Stretch

With the passing of Thanksgiving, we're officially in the home stretch toward the Christmas / New Year's holiday. For decades, I've lamented how the season seems to be over in the blink of an eye. That frustration only grew after I became a father. I want to savor it, enjoy it, and milk every ounce of holiday spirit I can out of it. Inevitably, though, it passes too quickly.

I think one of the key contributors to this phenomenon is the fact we become even busier than usual. Holiday get-togethers, work functions, shopping, and a number of other activities speed us up to an unprecedented pace. This pace, combined with the stress it can create, causes time to speed up.

Over the past few years, I've attempted to combat this phenomenon by intentionally slowing down my schedule. Specifically, I've implemented a few different strategies:

• Get the shopping done early. Nothing good happens when shopping the few days before Christmas.

• Set a hard stop date. Sarah and I negotiate a date that will be a hard stop for my work travel. Once that date arrives, I'm locked down with my family through the end of the year.

• Say no. Adding festive holiday events to the calendar may seem like a fun and jolly idea, but we say no. There's nothing better than having the freedom and an empty calendar to play the evenings by ear with the family. Movies, Christmas lights, and other last-minute adventures await.

• NYE is a no-go. I block out the entire day on New Year's Eve to reflect, plan, and set myself up for an awesome year to come. That's become one of my favorite days of the year.

• Think 30 years from now. 30 years from now, will you remember that meeting you attended, or the memory you created with your kids? Act accordingly.

I'm excited for this holiday season, but as always, I'm nervous I'll find a way to screw it up. However, if I can try to follow my own guidelines above, I have a chance to really make it a special season for my family. Wish me luck, and I'll wish you luck as well! I pray you're able to slow it down and enjoy every bit of the holiday spirit, too!

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An Actually Positive TikTok Challenge

Whenever the phrase "TikTok challenge" is mentioned, anything that comes next is going to be disgusting. Two cars crashing through our Northern Vessel shop doors is great evidence of that.

Today, however, I want to share an actually positive TikTok challenge with you. As I was scrolling through my feed recently, I stumbled upon an awesome little clip. A parent, on the backside of the camera, asked their child, in camera view, a simple question: "What did you get for Christmas last year?"

The kid had a deer-in-headlights look. You could see his little brain working overtime to process this question. After about five seconds, nothing. He couldn't think of a single gift he received last Christmas.

The parent then asked another question: "Where did we go on vacation this year?"

The boy's eyes lit up, and he quickly started listing off all the adventures they went on and memories they made. His little mouth couldn't keep up with his brain. It was almost like he was reliving those memories in real time.

Interesting, isn't it? I've now seen dozens of these videos pop up in my feed, each with similar results. Kid after kid after kid went blank when asked about receiving physical gifts, but then immediately lit up with excitement when asked about experiences and memories.

Experiences over things. This is one of the hallmark principles of living a meaningful life. There's certainly nothing wrong with stuff. We all have some stuff in our lives. Cool stuff. But the stuff isn't what will ultimately provide us with meaning. It's the experiences and memories that add a richness to life that's unparalleled. Yeah, the science proves this to be true. Over and over, science has proven this. However, I'm not asking you to even trust the science. Trust the faces of your kids. They will tell you everything you need to know.

Happy shopping!

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I’ll Show You, But….

About a decade ago, a casual friend approached me and asked if I would help him and his wife "build wealth" so they could retire in their 40s and "finally enjoy life."

"I'll show you, but that's not the solution to your problem."

He hated his job, and his wife similarly hated hers. They were running the race and wanted it to end as quickly as possible. In their minds, having a ton of money and quitting work as soon as they could was the answer.

After much coaxing, I agreed to help them. I showed them the principles that would undoubtedly help them accomplish their financial goals. I knew it wasn't the answer they were looking for, but they wanted to learn the hard way.

Two years ago, they retired in their late forties. They had millions of dollars, and financially, they could afford it. However, as I warned them all those years earlier, the other side of the equation took hold. Without work or a replacement pursuit, they had no meaning or purpose. The life of leisure quickly grew boring, and the vigor for life started to wane. They began fighting more. Tensions arose. They felt like a boat without a rudder, randomly drifting in the sea. Despite having everything they thought they wanted, they were hurting.....more than ever.

They recently divorced. It's been a mess for everyone involved. After much soul-searching, both spouses went back to the workforce. This time, however, they are trying to approach it through the lens of finding some form of meaning or satisfaction in their day-to-day work. Despite the divorce, there's a scenario in which they could stay retired and make it work financially. But they've now realized that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Work does matter, after all.

I'm not glad they had to go through all this mess, but I'm grateful both of them seem to have landed in a spot where they've realized meaning doesn't come from leisure. Rather, meaning comes from meaning. Understanding that can change everything, and luckily for them, it is. I pray for them and wish them nothing but the best. It's a rough story to tell, and I'm thankful they allowed me to share it here today.

Life is messy no matter what. It's never going to be pain-free. Even the best-laid plans will surely cause tension and suffering. However, the pursuit of meaning in all that we do helps keep us grounded and content.

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Different Planets, or Not

Isn't it crazy how separated we are in today's culture? It almost feels like we live in factions, constantly droning on about how different we are from "those people." And the funny thing is that "those people" are our co-workers, neighbors, friends, and even family. Everything is so divisive. We've been conditioned to believe that the other side is dumb at best, evil at worst, and we should hate them for it.

It reminds me of a story from back in my commercial real estate investment days. I was in one of the Middle East countries, enjoying a meal with one of my clients. There were several people from each party at the dinner, and I had the privilege of sitting directly across from a man about my age.

This man did similar work as me, but we may have been from different planets. He was part of the royal family of that country. He was a billionaire, literally royalty. He lived in a compound. Every member of his family (he, his wife, and their three small children) had their own full-time, live-in helpers. Additionally, his family had three dedicated drivers who were at the ready 24 hours a day to take any of them wherever they wanted. Did I mention private chefs and live-in doctors? Rolls-Royces, Ferraris, Lamborghinis. His cars were professionally washed and waxed daily. When traveling abroad, private jets.....always private jets. He was a devout Muslim. He dressed in the customary all-white Middle Eastern garb. The Middle East and Europe was his playground; he had never lived in America. Arabic was his primary language.

We couldn't have been more different, yet at the same time, we had far more in common than we had differences. We both loved our family. We enjoyed being fathers. We loved sports. We saw the world through an entrepreneurial perspective. We cared about our faith. We wanted to make an impact in the world. Man to man. We just enjoyed our time together, learning about one another and bonding over a shared meal.

If I felt like that (and vice versa) about someone literally from a different world from me, why shouldn't I feel like that about the people around me who have different beliefs and perspectives? I'm flat-out tired of this narrative that we should hate anyone who doesn't vote for who we voted for, doesn't think xzy policy is the right approach, or doesn't share our faith.

There is nothing more zapping of meaning than a life that involves active hatred and disgust toward the people around us. You know how much energy and creativity we lose from active opposition? Too much!

I firmly believe that 40 years from now, there will be studies performed that show how mentally and emotionally unhealthy our world was "back in the 2020s." We'll point toward the divisiveness and shake our heads at how brutal that time in our culture was.

While none of us can wave a magic wand and change this culture we're living in, we can opt out of it. We can elect to live a different life. Instead of attacking differences, we can seek out similarities. Interaction by interaction, perhaps we can slowly bend the needle and help this culture get back on track. There's so much more meaning in that than the alternative.

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This Is Life

Life isn't awesome because it's full of rainbows and sunshine. Life is awesome because it's awesome, warts and all. Social media is notorious for portraying everyone else's lives as perfect. The perfect marriage. The perfect kids. The perfect clothes. The perfect house. The perfect car. The perfect trips. It's all a facade, though. It's a curation of people's highlight reels. Underneath the mask of perfection is real life. Pain. Stress. Tension. Struggle. Loss. Brokenness. This is life. These things don't make life less awesome, but rather, they are what make life so awesome.

For the record, I'm not some masochist who revels in pain and suffering. Instead, what I see more times than not, is that pain is where the beauty comes from. Pain is oftentimes the trigger for some of the most powerful and profound moments of our lives. Having to endure the pain is what makes the sweet moments that much sweeter.

I've vaguely alluded to this story a few times in the past few months, but it wasn't my story to tell. Today, fortunately, I get to let them tell it themselves. Below is a short video that shares the story of one of my friends/clients. It's such a tragic story, yet is simultaneously the most beautiful story. I tear up even as I write this. If you only engage with one thing I post all month, please make it this powerful five-minute video.

I have no idea what the future holds for this family, but this tragic event will no doubt play a meaningful role in what happens next. I can already testify that much good has already come from this, and you get a glimpse of it in this video. This is life. It's full of joy, sorrow, love, pain, gratitude, suffering, and generosity. It doesn't make for a sexy and jealousy-worthy social media feed, but it's real; it's genuine. If I were a betting man, I’d bet my life savings that all four members of this family use this experience to make a positive impact on others, and probably change the world along the way. I’m humbled by their courage, perseverance, and positivity. They are better people than me, and I admire them so much.

Many of you are hurting today. Many of you are suffering in silence. Many of you are dealing with something that you have no idea how you'll get through. I'm so sorry. It's what makes life so hard, but at the same time, it's what makes life so beautiful. What you see on social media each day isn't real. This is real. This is life. You got this.

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Small Gifts, Huge Punch

I was blessed with a massively thoughtful gift yesterday. It's the kind of gift that blindsides you and may seem small on the surface, but it packs a punch. It's one of those gifts that remind us how intentionality, creativity, and thoughtfulness carry far more weight than dollars ever could.

To set the table, two nights ago I received an out-of-the-blue text from a friend: "I just left something for you at {your office}. Enjoy." Oh, interesting. I'm excited to see what this is!

The following morning, upon walking into the office, I was handed a little box. Inside was a beautiful note affixed to a unique little surprise. It wasn't necessarily an expensive surprise. It wasn't acquired through privilege, status, or wealth. It was assembled purely out of thoughtfulness and creativity. Ah, the best kind of gifts!

I texted her my deepest gratitude, to which she responded with something that stabbed me right in the heart (if that saying can be used in a positive tone):

"You are very welcome. You have blessed me in so many profound ways that you are probably not even aware of. My life is significantly better because of some fundamental things I've learned from you over the years. It brings me immense joy to have been presented with an opportunity to do something unexpected for you."

Just her text meant more to me than anyone will ever understand. It knocked me right off my feet. All I want to do is be generous to others. I rarely know the impact, if any, I'm having along the way. So when I receive something like this, it's like hooking an IV directly to my soul.

Small gifts, huge punch. Between her texts and thoughtful gift, I was overwhelmed with gratitude. I think that's the opportunity each of us has every morning when we get out of bed and step into the world. The only thing standing between us and world-changing impact is a little intentionality, creativity, and thoughtfulness. It doesn't have to break the bank. It doesn't require us to possess a certain status. It's not reserved for the wealthy.

No matter who you are, where you are, or what you are, you already possess the tools to alter this world for good, one interaction at a time. That's the most encouraging thought I'll share all week, but at the same time, it's also the scariest; what a responsibility! Seize yours today.

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What Am I Missing?

Sarah and I have been creating, following, and tracking monthly budgets since we got married. Given we've been married for 15 years, that means we've done this 180 times now!

I'll die on the hill that BOTH spouses need to be involved in the budgeting process. However, that doesn't mean both spouses need to create and track it. Oftentimes, one spouse will be more inclined (interest-wise or skill-wise) to do the heavy lifting. In the case of my household, I married someone who is allergic to numbers. Therefore, in order to protect Sarah's health, I take the lead on all things numbers-related.

With that said, this doesn't give her an out from dealing with the finances. Rather, it just means she plays a different role. When it comes time to create our monthly budget, I never dictate it to her. It's never, "Hey Sarah, here's our budget for the month." That would be a terrible way to do it (though it's how most marriages work, unfortunately).

Instead, I always create the first draft of the budget and give it to her for feedback. Early in our marriage, I'd ask her, "How does this look?" This type of question typically led to a natural answer: "Good." Shoot, that's not what I needed!

Then, I quickly realized I needed to take a different approach. For the last 14+ years, I've asked a different question: "What am I missing?" Sarah loves telling me what I missed! Thus, I get lots of feedback from her. She's getting her hair done, we have family member birthdays, turns out the kids keep growing and need new clothes, what about that appliance we agreed to buy a few weeks ago?!? A simple question with a handful of responses can turn a good budget into a great one. We don't always have a great budget, but more often than not we do.

Just a slight tweak in our framing can change the entire dynamic of the conversation. Sarah will never claim to be interested in finances or strong with numbers, but she's been a great partner in our effort to create, follow, and track our monthly budgets. It hasn't been perfect, but it's been good. And oftentimes, good is the gateway to unlocking our hopes, dreams, aspirations, and callings.

I can't stress enough how powerful budgeting can be in a marriage. Powerful for the relationship, powerful for the finances, and powerful for the journey. After doing this for 15 years together, I can confidently testify that we would be nowhere near where we are today without these practices.

What about you? Is it time to get your spouse involved? If your spouse is the one already doing it all, perhaps it's time for you to get involved? Marriage is meant to be a team, finances included. Please allow money to be a unifying force in your marriage, not a source of tension as is often the case. You deserve better!

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No Room For Hypocrisy

One of our longtime readers posed an interesting question to me after my recent rant about credit cards. I'll paraphrase her thoughtful question. How can I be so disciplined with budgeting but can't be so with a credit card? In other words, what's preventing me from properly handling credit cards like I handle all the other areas of personal finance?

In short, I have a one-word answer for this: hypocrisy. Hypocrisy prevents me from using credit cards. If I'm publicly and privately criticizing the use of credit cards, warning of the risks, in what world would it make sense for me to use one myself?

Approximately 15 years ago, Sarah and I were at dinner together. When the bill arrived at our table, I whipped out my credit card and slid it into the little black folio. As the waitress walked away with my card, Sarah looked at me and said, "You know you're the world's biggest hypocrite, right?"

Uhhhhhhhh, what?!?! "You tell everyone they shouldn't use a credit card, and here you are using a credit card."

Pot, meet kettle. Ouch. I could use a credit card because I understood the perils, pitfalls, and behavioral science implications. Yet, at the same time, my actions only proved that I was a hypocrite. The moment we got home, I pulled out a pair of scissors and cut up the card. Sarah was right, I was a giant hypocrite. Never again, though. I have no room in my life for hypocrisy, and if I believe in what I teach, I should eat my own cooking.

Can people use credit cards responsibly? Yeah, some can; very few can. A rare minority can. It reminds me of the famous Jeff Goldblum quote from Jurassic Park: "Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should."

Could vs. should is an interesting topic to think about. There are a lot of things I CAN do, but it doesn't mean I SHOULD do them. If we want to hold people to higher standards, we need to hold ourselves to a higher standard. This has become one of the biggest principles in my coaching. I will NEVER ask someone to do something that I'm not already doing in my own life. When I teach people how to invest, it's exactly how I invest. When I help people get life insurance, it's the exact principle I follow. When I show people how to give, it's exactly how I practice giving. When I teach people how to prepare for their children's college, it's exactly how I think through my own children's education.

I never tell people what to think, but I teach them how to think. Regardless of each family's individual values, beliefs, and aspirations, these concepts and principles allow them to implement wise and thoughtful decisions in their own lives. That begins with building trust, and trust is built on a lack of hypocrisy.

Just because we can, it doesn't mean we should. This applies to so many areas of life, so today I'll let you extrapolate it to wherever it needs to be implemented in your life. Have an awesome day!

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The Oz Next Door

Oh man, I took some HEAT heat after yesterday's post. Yes, some productive feedback, for sure. But the heat was hot. One particular criticism caught my eye:

"You throw around all these statistics, but there's literally not one person in my life who is struggling with credit card debt."

I'm sure you've seen The Wizard of Oz; it's a classic! My favorite scene in the movie is after 93 minutes of being made to believe Oz is so great and powerful, the curtain is pulled back to expose him as a fraud. It turns out he used smoke and mirrors to portray himself as this great and powerful wizard, when the truth was he was a frail old man.

This might come as a shock to some, but you probably have an Oz living next door to you. You probably have an Oz in the cubicle next to you at work. You probably have an Oz in your family. That fancy-looking couple at church? Possibly an Oz. The "rich" person you tend to get jealous of? Possibly an Oz.

In my work, I have the privilege of seeing behind the curtain of hundreds of households. The world sees what it sees, and in many cases, they see a great and powerful wizard. Unfortunately, what's really behind the curtain is a proverbial frail old man.

What appears to be wealth is really debt.

What appears to be freedom is really slavery.

What appears to be success is really destruction.

What appears to be wisdom is really tomfoolery.

What appears to be sturdy is really fragile.

I could tell you story after story after story of wealthy-looking people who appear to be the definition of success, but are on the brink of utter destruction.

I've witnessed so many tears from people who make $500,000+ per year, live in mansions, drive luxury vehicles, have a social media timeline full of exotic travel pictures, and have status in their community.

In many of these cases, credit cards aren't what directly propelled them into a financial spiral. Their car loans, lifestyle creep, and hefty mortgages did the initial damage. However, almost every one of these situations eventually results in brutal credit card debt. The credit cards become the symptoms of destruction, and the boat anchor that prevents the ship from ever floating again. They can always sell a car or a house, but there are only two ways out of credit card debt: grind it out or file for bankruptcy. It's the silent killer that's draining the hopes and dreams of an entire generation.

You absolutely know dozens of people who are deeply impacted by credit card debt; you just don't know which ones. They are hiding behind their curtains, hoping to maintain their appearance of being a great and powerful wizard.

Moral of the story: Never be jealous of the people around us. They might be an Oz. Instead, live with a posture of contentment and humility, pursue meaning, and never allow the desire for more to pollute your peace.

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Fighting Secret Battles

I spent most of this week at the Nebraska cattle ranch. It was an awesome, productive, and exhausting week. As a little extra excitement, I had a car issue one morning. One of my tires was scarily low in air on my way to the farm, so I was scrambling to get it remedied. I needed to buy an air gauge, so I walked into a gas station to grab one. I sauntered up to the register, the cashier scanned the item, and I waved my chipped debit card over the sensor. "DECLINED." My card just got declined for a $4.24 purchase?!?!

The cashier looked at me with sympathy. "If you can't afford this, you're free to borrow mine. That's no problem at all."

I thanked him for his generosity, but said I would just use a different card. I processed the payment and walked back out to my ailing car. In this man's mind, there was a very real chance I literally had no money. That reality was on the table. The truth is, my account had dropped below zero because a larger contribution to my donor-advised fund processed quicker than I had anticipated. I screwed up and misjudged the timing. Yet, at the same time, I could have easily been fighting a secret battle that the cashier got a rare glimpse of.

That situation, combined with the fact that tens of millions of people will be losing government-provided food assistance beginning today, was a stark reminder that so many people are fighting secret battles. Your co-worker sitting in the cube next to you. The driver at the stoplight adjacent to your vehicle. The woman in front of you at the grocery store. The neighbor who lives next door to you. Any one of them could be fighting secret battles.

Here's the thing. Secret battles aren't reserved for people who look like they are fighting battles. Looks can be deceiving. Often, the people who are fighting the fiercest battles are the people you'd least expect.

Regardless of what you think of the food stamp situation, there's no denying that tens of millions of people (those impacted by the government shutdown and those who aren't) are fighting secret battles.

I have a few friends who are fighting secret battles as we speak. The only reason I know they are fighting these battles is that I have the honor of having intimate, sensitive conversations with people for a living.

Be vigilant. Keep your eyes open. People all around you are fighting secret battles. If we do our jobs well, we'll be in a position to step in with a much-needed hand-up. On the flip side, if you're fighting a secret battle of your own right now, don't be afraid to let someone know. Don't face it alone. Don't try to be a hero. We all need a hand-up at some point in life. Perhaps today is your day. God bless, and stay safe out there.

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A Heavy Anchor

A huge shout-out to the couple that granted me permission to share this story. I pray good comes from it, and that my harsh-ish words can move the needle in their marriage!

Picture this. I'm sitting face-to-face with a couple. They are stressed, frustrated, and borderline depressed. The tension in the marriage is palpable. You could cut the desperation with a knife. Finances are killing them! Specifically, a lack of income is killing them.

Oh yeah, I should probably add one more piece of information to the picture: Their monthly take-home income is $22,000. Yeah, you heard that correctly. $22,000/month......every month. And according to them, there's simply not enough money to keep the train on the tracks. Or, as they put it, "It costs a lot just to survive these days!"

At one point in the conversation, I pointed out to them that just their monthly housing cost (plus utilities) rivals what most people in their town make in a month. They looked at me like I had an alien growing out of my forehead. Again, I tried to put into perspective just how much money they make. They continued to stare at the alien apparently bursting from my face. I explained that the client I met with earlier in the day (who coincidentally lives 1/4 of a mile from them) has a total take-home income of about $7,000/month (and is thriving!). The wife looked like she was either going to have an aneurysm and/or hop over the table to stab me.

I don't know about you, but most people don't even dream about making $22,000/month take-home. In fact, most people probably wouldn't even know what to do with that type of income. Yet here I was, talking to a couple who were lamenting that $22,000 isn't enough monthly income to even survive.

I was getting nowhere. I asked them how much money they made early in their marriage; "Probably $4,000/month." Well, that's a bit different from their current situation. "But the world has changed a lot since then." Fact check: That was seven years ago.

Here's the harsh truth. Unless we're willing to live with humility and contentment, there's no amount of income that can satisfy us. The problem with more is that every time we get more, more is still more.

I offered a few suggestions for how this couple could create financial margin. In some families' situations, it can be challenging to open up much-needed margin. This family, however, has a treasure trove of options for swiftly and materially lightening the tension in their finances. Want to know where they landed? The husband is going to pick up some extra work on the side (nights and weekends) to see if they can make a few thousand more per month.

Here's my promise to them. If they stay on this course, we'll be talking a few years from now. They will be making $25,000-$30,000 per month, yet feel just as broke, stressed, and resentful as they do now......if their marriage survives.

They deserve better than this. You deserve better than this. We all deserve better than this. Don't let the curse of more pull you down.....it's one of the heaviest anchors ever created.

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