God Bless, Mr. Van Der Beek

I was floored. I opened Twitter a few days ago, only to discover that James Van Der Beek had passed away after a brief battle with cancer. As a '90s kid, Van Der Beek was everywhere. From Varsity Blues to Dawson's Creek to countless appearances everywhere else, James was a fixture of the time. Every girl wanted to date him, and every guy wanted to be him. He seemed invincible.

Maybe it's because of his position in my life during those formative years, or perhaps because he's only four years older than me, but his passing has sat heavily on me these past few days. It's yet another reminder of our mortality and the fragility of life. Also, as a father, it feels like a gut punch knowing he left behind six children ranging from 4 to 15 years old.

James hasn't played a meaningful role in my life for more than 20 years, but when I learned of his cancer battle a few years ago, I started watching his content. He's a sweet, introspective, and wise man. In just a short video clip, James has the ability to cut through the noise and offer insights that seem truly valuable. Today, I want to share one clip that has stuck with me for a few years. It's only fitting that I share his words today in celebration of his life.

I'm not going to provide any context or follow-up commentary, as I think James communicates it so eloquently. HERE’S THE VIDEO CLIP…..ENJOY!

Life is short. Pursue wins that matter. Don't lose sight of what's important. Have a great day.

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Except He Didn’t Say Fudge

Remember that one time (earlier this month) I blindly clicked a link from my friend Ryan and purchased a TV without knowing anything about it? A few weeks ago, I wrote about my belief that we need to be an expert where we're an expert, acknowledge our gaps, and humbly entrust others to help us fill those gaps.

Today, I bring you an update on what happened after I purchased that mystery TV. I'll set the scene. With my purchase confirmation e-mail in hand, I walked into a local Best Buy to claim my purchase. The man behind the register politely asked me for an order number or a QR code to scan, and I quickly obliged. Beep, goes the scanner. The man behind the register paused. Was he confused? Was something wrong? Was there simply a delay in the system?

After what seemed like a minute (which was probably only 10 seconds), he became animated. "Hilly fudge! Are you crapping me? What in the fudge?!? What in the fudge!?! How in the fudge did you do this?!? Oh fudge!"

Except he didn't say fudge (in my best A Christmas Story narration voice). In fact, none of those were the words he actually used. I'll let you decode it. In any event, he was beyond excited. He asked if I could give him a minute to see if there were any similar deals still available for him to personally grab. There weren't.

Seeing that I appeared to be confused by his reaction, he asked me, "Do you know what you just got?" Nope, I didn't. "Well, how did you do this?" he asked. When I told him I just blindly clicked a link from a friend and clicked "buy," he was even more shocked.

He went on to explain that I purchased a $3,200 TV for only $750. Again, I don't really know anything about this.....I just clicked a link and drove to the store to pick it up. The next day, I had it all set up in my living room. The verdict? It's easily the best TV I've ever laid my eyes on. I actually didn't even know TVs could do this.

Will I always come out on the winning side of trusting other people to fill in my gaps? Of course not! However, more times than not, I'm going to end up in a far better place than I ever would have by trying to figure it out myself. Better yet, I don't have to spend the time, energy, or brain power to get there. All that's needed from us is to find people we trust, then trust.

I know this is a weird position to take in life, but it's a hill I'll die on. We need to focus our time, energy, and brain power on the areas we know best. Then, we delegate. We entrust others to walk alongside us and provide much-needed insights and guidance. I couldn't love that any more than I do! In the meantime, I'll be watching and re-watching all the Twenty One Pilots music videos on the new TV!

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10 Months For the Rest of Your Life

Imagine this. You're 27 and newly married. Up until now, your entire adult life has been somewhat shadowed by the consumer debt hanging above you: student loans and vehicles. It hasn't felt crippling, but it's an ever-present elephant in the room. Things are going fairly well, but there's a constant suspicion that this whole life thing would be much simpler (and better!) without the debt hovering and constantly absorbing a chunk of your monthly cashflow.

One more detail. With focus and intentionality, this debt could be 100% paid off by the end of this year. In a matter of months, you could forever free yourself from the financial burden you've spent your entire adult life living with. Paying off this debt will be simple, but difficult. It will take discipline, persistence, and sacrifice, but it's very doable.

One of my clients is living in this exact reality. Here's how I recently framed this opportunity to them: "It's 10 months for the rest of your life!"

10 months from now, at the ripe old age of 28, they could put themselves in a position to never again have to deal with the debt. Student loans and car debt gone.....forever! It's a line in the sand moment that will forever be cemented in their story.

Should they do it? Would you do it if you were in their shoes? Speaking as someone who has been in their shoes, and walked alongside dozens of families in similar shoes, I can wholeheartedly testify that it's worth it in every single way. I'm 14 years past the moment Sarah and I paid off ours, and life has never been the same since. It literally changed everything for us.

I think they are going to do it—10 months for the rest of their lives. It won't be easy, but it will be something they will never forget. If you're in a similar situation, I'd give you the same exuberant encouragement I gave them. Run the race, enjoy the fruits: margin, peace, confidence, discipline, and freedom. It's a priceless reward for a job well done.

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Managing the Puzzle Pieces

A few days ago, Sarah and the boys came home from a shopping trip. They went to the store to pick up a fun item that, in my opinion, would cost around $25. However, when they came home, they immediately said it had cost $110 instead. Whoa. That's a big delta between expectation and reality.

Sarah must have picked up on my lack of a good poker face. Translation: I had the look of disgust on my face. That wasn't my intention, but the cat was out of the bag. She immediately began throwing out next steps:

• Take it back.

• Subsidize this unnecessary purchase with her own personal spending money.

• Make the kids save up and pay for a portion of it.

I quickly refused all of these options. Instead, I said we should keep this item and manage the monthly Kids spending category accordingly. This purchase, in and of itself, isn't a bad thing. Rather, what happens next will dictate that. That's the beauty of budgeting. Sarah can spend whatever she wants on whatever category she wants......as long as we don't overspend the categories. Therefore, even though she spent a TON on this item, it can still fit within the broader context of our budget. There's a cost. There's a consequence. Perhaps it means not buying the kids a pair of shoes. Perhaps itmeans we do a few less extra treats. Perhaps we go to one less kid's event. It's not about refraining from spending on "wants," but managing the puzzle pieces well.

Every category should be managed this way. Set a dollar amount, then live. Don't guilt yourself. Don't starve yourself of a purchase. Don't live in constant regret. Don't second-guess your partner. Set the budget, then manage the puzzle pieces accordingly. One of the best gifts I can give my wife is to entrust her to manage the pieces however she feels best. I don't question her purchases. I don't criticize her purchases. If she's managing the pieces well and we're staying on track, she's winning; we're winning.

Spouses, this might be what the doctor ordered to reduce financial tension in your marriage. We don't have to look over each other's shoulders. We don't have to question. We don't have to criticize. We don't have to live in fear every time an Amazon box shows up at the door.

1. Negotiate the budget each month. Set category-by-category targets.

2. Live your life.

3. Manage the pieces to fit life within the parameters you set.

4. Trust each other.

5. Track your spending along the way.

6. Know where you landed.

7. Repeat.

There's a freedom in not having to care about every expenditure our partner makes, trusting that by the end of the month, the targets set in the original budget have been honored.

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Your Values, Not Mine

One of my clients asked me what I think about a particular decision they are making. Here's how I responded (paraphrased, as I definitely don't remember word for word):

"On a personal level, you don't want or need my opinion. We are on totally opposite sides of this decision; we couldn't be further apart from each other. However, what I think doesn't matter. This decision clearly aligns with your values and what's most important to you, and therefore, that's most important to me. It doesn't matter what I or anyone else thinks of this decision. This is your life, your journey."

The topic? They are considering buying a very, very, very, very nice house. And with that many "very"s, I'm talking about one of the nicest houses I've ever seen in my life. Considering I'm content living in this 80-year-old, one-bathroom house we currently rent, we couldn't be further apart.

This is where nuance MUST come into play. Do you know how successful I'd be walking alongside people if all I did was try to jam my values down their throats? When it comes to money and work, very few things are black-and-white. Instead, it's all different shades through different lenses. What's right for one is wrong for another. What's wise for someone is dumb for another.

This is the problem with most people's financial advice: It's portrayed through their personal lens as right and wrong. You shouldn't buy coffee. You should only buy the nicest coffee. You shouldn't go out to eat. You should only eat at fancy steakhouses. You shouldn't drive a nice car. You shouldn't drive a used car. You shouldn't travel. You shouldn't care about anything other than travel. You should, should, should, should.

Whenever we try to tell other people what to value, we've lost the plot. Instead, it should be about ideas. There are ideas, principles, practices, and habits that are proven to work well. Once we're able to digest those things, we can pursue our values through those lenses.

To my client who is considering buying a tremendously nice house, that's cool. It's not my type of cool, but it is theirs! After walking alongside them, seeing their heart, and understanding what moves their needle, it's probably the right decision for them. Context matters. It always matters.

Therefore, don't listen when other people tell you what you should or shouldn't value. They are them; you are you. We're all different. Embrace your uniqueness, and approach your work and finances accordingly.

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Crazy Enough to Believe

I received the most wonderful text a few days ago. Instead of telling you about it, I'll paste a screenshot for you:

Whoa! Talk about an amazing way to start the day, receiving a dramatically positive life update from a former client. However, I think more context is in order. I haven't seen this client in more than two years. After doing a lot of coaching work, this couple decided they had the tools they needed to win....then promptly kicked me to the curb (which is the goal!). I was grateful for the opportunity to work with them, and firmly believed they would take the reins and crush it going forward.

I knew they were well-positioned to succeed the last time we met, but since I haven't been meeting with them, I really didn't know what was happening behind the curtain. After receiving that text, I immediately opened their file to refresh my memory. I knew they had a TON of debt, but I didn't remember how much. Here's what I discovered. My last meeting with them was 28 months ago, when they were sitting on about $118,000 in student loan debt. Ouch!

Seeing the numbers on that spreadsheet took me back to those coaching meetings. $118,000 of student loan debt seems overwhelming because, well, it is. It was intense! However, at the same time, this couple didn't seem rattled. Instead, they were surprisingly optimistic. They were crazy enough to believe they could pay it off. Frankly, that's the secret. The only way to attack $118,000 of student loan debt is to violently attack $118,000 of student loan debt, month by month. This couple had faith, discipline, unity, and perseverance. They were also crazy enough to believe they could do it!

Of all the principles I've learned from watching families (including my own) get out of large amounts of debt, the power of being crazy enough to believe is often the make-or-break factor of success. Conventional wisdom says we'll never be able to pay off $118,000 in student loan debt. If you believe that's true, you surely won't. However, if you're even a fraction as crazy as this couple to actually believe it's possible, not only will it be possible, but inevitable.

I couldn't be happier for this family. They are needle-mover world-changers, and I have a feeling there's about to be a wave of generosity and impact in their wake. They deserve to live in this reality, not because of entitlement, but because of the work they put into making it happen. $118,000 of debt, 28 months. Unreal!

Whatever absurd goal you're carrying with you today, there are a lot of factors in play that will determine whether or not you achieve it. Are you crazy enough to believe you can? The answer to that question will speak volumes about what's about to happen.

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Yeah, I Don’t Know

I used to love keeping up with technological innovations: the newest TVs, stereos, cellphones, gadgets, and all things electronics. However, as my time became more limited and my skill set in this area fell behind, I eventually conceded that it's not my lane. And as I often write about, I believe in knowing what our lanes are.....and what they aren't.

I have a handshake deal with my friend Ryan. Technology IS his lane. Technology to him is what work and money are to me. People trust him for his expertise and guidance. Here's my handshake deal with him. Whenever I need to purchase technology for my personal or professional life, he will send me a link. He doesn't explain this benefit, that feature, or xyz risk to me. I can't handle all that. Instead, he sends me a link. I explain roughly what I'm trying to accomplish, and he sends me a link. That's it.

For the past few months, we've been in the market for a new living room TV. As always, I explained my situation to Ryan and waited for a link. Well, I'm pleased to announce that yesterday was the day! He texted me a Best Buy link and said it was less than half the retail price. I immediately opened the link and purchased the TV. The entire thing took four-and-a-half minutes. A few moments later, Pax asked me about it:

"Dad, what brand is it?"

"I don't know."

"What size is it?"

"I don't know."

"What kind of screen is it?"

"I don't know."

"What makes it good?"

"No idea."

"Why did you buy it without knowing anything about it?"

"Because I trust Ryan."

This is one of my favorite things in life! I know a few things really, really well. Then, to fill in all my gaps, I attempt to recruit people around me who specialize in said things. The fact that I just purchased a new TV in less than five minutes without knowing anything about it, yet trusting it's going to be awesome, is a wonderful feeling! I'm pumped, and the family is, too.

I know I've tried to make this point multiple times recently, but hopefully this example illustrates it well. We don't have to be an expert in everything. We don't have to have strong opinions about everything. We don't need to be a know-it-all. Sometimes, we need to simply stay in our lane and trust people who run in their lanes. It makes life so much richer.....and simpler!

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It’s Okay

Have you been on social media lately? Wow, it's a crazy world out there. If a Hollywood blockbuster apocalyptic thriller came to life and lived in the digital world, that would be today's social media environment. Every single time I open any single one of my social media apps, I'm instantly met with a barrage of unhinged humanity.

Today, I want to share a little life hack with you. Some of you already practice this, which might be where I picked up on the habit. Alright, here goes: We don't have to have an opinion about everything. Do you know how emotionally, mentally, and spiritually draining it is to have a strong opinion about each and every topic? It's exhausting!

Sure, there are events, situations, and developments in our lives that naturally elicit feelings. However, I'm not sure we humans were meant to have strong opinions about everything, especially things that are five standard deviations beyond our purview, our understanding, and our expertise. "I don't know" is a perfectly acceptable answer. In fact, I think I use the phrase "I don't know" more than any other phrase. I'd actually take it one step further. If we never admit that we "don't know," it brings into question whether we know anything.

What does this have to do with the overarching topic of this blog? Here's how. It's nearly impossible to live a meaningful life if we let ourselves be spread razor-thin by everything going on around us. Sometimes, we need to practice humility and not know something. After all, if we truly want to be masters of our crafts, our lives, our influence, and our relationships, we must not allow ourselves to be consumed by all the world has to offer (er, shoved down our throats). This isn’t me saying that we shouldn’t care what’s going on around us. I think we should care deeply. However, there’s something brutally unhealthy about having steadfast, unwavering opinions about every single thing. It can drive us into the ground.

I'll probably have a lot of opinions today, but I'm going to try to focus them on things that actually fall within my purview, influence, passions, and skillsets.

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No Right Time

A young couple was hurting. Deeply in debt, tension in the marriage, and jobs they loathed. They felt stuck. They wanted a better life, but it felt utterly unattainable. After about 30 minutes, we visually mapped on the whiteboard how they could simply (but not easily) free themselves from this debt and the life they feel stuck in. All it would take is 15 months, a ton of intentionality, a dose of humility, and a bunch of discipline.

"This isn't the right time."

What do you mean this isn't the right time?!?! You are broke, miserable, and relationally hanging on by a thread. Doesn't this time seem as good as any?

"We have too much going on right now. Maybe in a year or two when things line up a little better."

That's when I had to break the news to them. There is no right time. The right time will never come. Their lives will absolutely not get easier. Nothing will line up better. This needle they are hoping to thread doesn't exist.

Literally every month of their life from here until they die will be the wrong time. If that's true, then there's no better time than now! Seriously! Regardless of what you're hoping to accomplish, there is no right time. It might seem like a better time might, possibly, perhaps, maybe be on the horizon......but it's not. There's no such thing. As such, there's no better time than the present!

This is the #1 rule when engaging in our goals, financial or otherwise. If we recognize there really isn't ever going to be a good time, then we might as well start now. Yes, today is a bad day to start; so is tomorrow. So we should probably just get started today.

I can read your mind. You have something you want to do. It's been itching at you. You desperately want to get going, but now's not the right time. I agree, it's not......but no right time will ever exist. Therefore, let's get started.

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Respecting Lanes

About 15 years ago, Sarah and I were watching Netflix on the couch when I received an urgent text. It was about 1 AM, and the text was from one of my youth group kids, a 16-year-old girl. After making a few questionable decisions, she found herself in an uncomfortable position at a house party. She was somewhere between not wanting to make poor choices, scared of getting hurt, and nervous that she would end up in the car with an impaired driver. Needless to say, she was freaking out. One of my policies as a youth group leader was that if the kids ever found themselves in a tough spot, I would pick them up, no questions asked. On this particular night, she was nervous about calling her parents, so she texted me. Sarah and I jumped into the car, picked her up, and took her home.

Fast forward 15 years, I recently reached out to this young lady for advice. Yes, I was her youth group leader. Yes, I'm nearly twice her age. Yes, I walked alongside her during some of her most difficult teenage moments. But today, I need her wisdom, insights, and expertise. She works in a field that falls outside my purview, and today, I need her help.

I spent my entire life being disregarded and dismissed by the generation ahead of me. I was constantly treated like my wisdom, insights, and expertise didn't count. After all, these people were decades older than me. I was just a kid to them. What could some young dude have to offer them?!?! They were worse off for having this short-sighted perspective. I always promised myself that one day, when the roles reversed, I wouldn't do the same.

Well, as Father Time would have it, I'm no longer the youngest guy in most rooms. I now regularly find myself being on the older end of the age range in conversations. How am I doing with the promise I made myself? I suppose I need to let others answer that question for me, but considering I'm actively seeking advice from a woman whom I walked alongside during her teenage years, I'd like to think I'm succeeding.

We all have lanes. I have lanes, and you have lanes. Some of my strongest lanes revolve around the intersection of meaning, work, and money. I can help move the needle in this area of people's lives. Another lane is helping businesses gain greater clarity and control over the inner workings of their financial operations. Those are lanes I specialize in. Simultaneously, I need to recognize all the things in life that aren't my lane.

Enter my young friend. Despite being half my age, she has a wealth of knowledge in a lane where I desperately need help. I'm not going to her for career, financial, or business advice. I'm not going to her for parenting advice. I'm not going to her for marriage advice. I deeply respect her lane, and as such, I need to have the humility to allow her to speak into that area of my life.

This is a dynamic that most of us confront on a daily basis. In and out of the workplace, we constantly interact with other generations. If we simply get over ourselves and respect people's lanes, we can open ourselves up to so many wonderful things. It's not always easy, but it's always the right (and best!) thing to do.

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100% Ours

Tempers were flaring, f-bombs were tossed like hand grenades, and the occasional tears arose. This was the scene of a recent sit-down I had with a struggling couple. The subject matter: the income differential between the two spouses. More specifically, how the couple makes financial decisions given their income differential.

Here's the high-level summary of the situation:

• Husband makes 70% of the income, and the wife makes 30%.

• The husband handles the day-to-day finances.

• The husband's income pays for the family's needs, and the wife's income pays for the wants (travel, dining out, entertainment, etc.).

• The husband spends anything he wants, but gives his wife "an allowance." After all, she only makes 30% of the family's income.....so this is generous (his words, not mine).

• Every time there's an argument, the husband throws out the trump card: "I make more than twice as much as you, so I get to make the call."

As the conversation unfolded, the husband realized I must have had a look of disgust on my face at the words coming out of his mouth. He seemed surprised. After all, he knew that I was the breadwinner in my marriage. As such, I would naturally align with him, right?

By my records, I made 98.5% of our family's income in 2025. Translation: My marriage is far more unbalanced than his. With that context in mind, I explained to them (mostly him) that their way of handling finances is beyond toxic. They are keeping score with money and using it as a weapon. Further, their dumb idea of allocating her income to wants meant that if she ever wanted to take a different job or stay at home, she would be solely responsible for ripping all enjoyment and adventure from the family. Gross.

I may make 98.5% of my family's income, but our income is 100% "ours." Not mine. Not mostly mine. Ours. Everything Sarah and I make is viewed as a collective pot for us to manage together. Yes, I do the day-to-day finances. Yes, I createthe first draft of the monthly budget. Yes, I have more financial expertise than her. However, she ALWAYS has a 50/50 say in all we do. In fact, early in my marriage, I promised myself that I would never get more monthly personal spending money than she does. She would always get the same as me....or more on some occasions.

Something powerful happens when couples view money as a collective pot. It allows a full integration of life and decision-making. This income isn't for this, and that income isn't for that. It's just money in and money out. We're both called to different work in our lives, and in this season, my work provides 98.5% of our income. That doesn't make her less valuable or less impactful. It just means my work pays more. Sarah is impacting the world in different ways; important ways.

Whatever income dynamic you have in your marriage, I strongly (STRONGLY!!!) encourage you to adopt a "100% ours" mentality. You're a team, not a competition. Be in this together, side by side.

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Grocery Carts and Little Signals

Several years ago, I ran into a colleague at the grocery store check-out line. This colleague was well known in the community as a generous person. This struck me as odd, as my gut feeling toward him was that he was a complete jerk. Perhaps I was being too judgmental.

A few minutes after our brief encounter, I walked out of the store and into the parking lot. Though there were many cars, it felt quiet out there. As I approached my car, I realized my colleague was parked directly beside my car. When he pulled away, I discovered that he left his grocery cart immediately behind my car! There was a grocery cart return station 20 feet from our cars, but he decided to just haphazardly disregard his cart out in the open?!?!

Ever since that day, I've thought a lot about how people handle themselves with grocery carts. In my mind, a person's decision in that moment can be an interesting glimpse into their character. How we treat people and the world around us when nobody is looking is telling.

Since that original grocery cart incident, my obsession with watching people's grocery cart decisions has sparked so many new stories. After nearly 10 years of thinking too much about this topic, I can confidently say that people who haphazardly disregard grocery carts make terrible friends. Conversely, you know who I love to spend time with? The people who not only return carts to the return station, but also slide the cart all the way into the preceding cart, thereby making the worker's job that much easier. Those people are the best!

In a world with so much noise, I think it's important to pick up on the little signals of life. It's easy to put on a loving face when the lights are shining and people are looking, but how do we treat others when there's no attention to be gained or reputation to protect? Those are the moments that tell us everything we need to know.

I don't know about you, but engaging with people behind the scenes, in life's smallest moments, is one of my favorite things in the world. I love how, after I interact with someone, my kids ask, "Do you know that person?!?!" No, bud, we should just be loving to everyone, whether we know them or not. Those are my moments. That's when I feel most alive and most capable of moving the needle in my day-to-day life.

Today's takeaways:

• Love people well.....especially when no one's watching.

• Find meaning in the small moments.

• Spot the little signals that tell you about someone's character.

• Put your shopping cart away.

• Don't hang out with people who don't.

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Massive Blind Spots

Before I dive in, I need to clarify one thing. This post is NOT political. In fact, my goal is for you not to know which side of the fence I sit on by the time you finish this piece. Please remember this as you continue.

By now, most people have probably heard about and watched the video footage from the horrific incident that took place last week in Minneapolis. Just to be clear, what I'm talking about is a situation where an ICE agent shot and killed a woman in a vehicle. Regardless of your leanings, this incident was tragic. Many lives have and will be ruined as a result of this event.

Once again, this is another story that has ripped the country in half. Anger, resentment, vengeance, and all sorts of negative feelings are stirring all around us. Immediately after the story broke, people made up their minds about the "truth." Without knowing anything, people already knew what happened......and coincidentally, the "truth" about what happened aligns perfectly with their prevailing beliefs.

In the following days, more information and video footage of the event surfaced. All this new information filled in the gaps and provided more clarity on the truth. Something interesting happened, though. Despite having even more information, people were as split as ever about the "truth." One person could watch all the video footage and conclude one "truth," and another person could watch all the video footage and conclude a completely different "truth." To one person, the footage proves the shooting victim was 100% innocent, and it's an open-and-shut case of corrupt and evil law enforcement. To another person, the very same footgate proves the law enforcement agent was 100% innocent, and it's an open-and-shut case of the natural consequences of domestic terrorism.

How can we all watch the exact same video footage and reach polar-opposite verdicts? Because we humans ultimately see what we want to see. If we want to see corrupt law enforcement, we'll see corrupt law enforcement. If we want to see domestic terrorism, we'll see domestic terrorism. We'll absorb the facts and details that support our already-held beliefs while disregarding, dismissing, or minimizing the facts that may be contrary to what we want to believe.

I shared this idea with a handful of friends over the past few days. Every single person, without fail, explained to me that I was wrong and tried to convince me that their perspective was the absolute "truth"......and these were people on polar opposite sides from each other. See the irony here?

Life is full of nuance. If all we do is look for the facts to support what we already want to be true (which, again, is a subconscious phenomenon), we're doomed. We're doomed on a relational level, we're doomed on a personal growth level, and we're doomed on a success level. Our blind spots will crush us, either drip by drip or quite violently.

I certainly don't always get this right, but man, I try to be aware. Very few things in life are 100%/0%….the truth typically lives somewhere in the middle. We all have massive blind spots. I encourage you to find yours, and in the meantime, I'll continue seeking mine.

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A Neutral Gear

One of my young friends texted me about the recent developments in Venezuela. He wanted to know how I feel about the situation. I told him, in short, I don't know. Everyone is so quick to have a snap judgment, one way or another, on every topic. In my mind, it's not a simple black-and-white issue; it's complex. Further, I simply don't know enough to have a strong opinion. Perhaps I will at some point, but it's okay not to be an expert at everything.

Considering I write and podcast regularly, I'm no stranger to having opinions. However, I hope people can appreciate my strong desire to stay in my lane. I don't claim to be an expert on every topic in the world. I know what I know, and I don't know the things I don't know.

Social media has turned us into a society where we're forced to immediately jump to one side or the other. One day we're medical experts, the next we're geopolitical experts. One day we're economists, and the next we're environmental scientists. Every time a news story breaks, we quickly rush to our side and staunchly defend it without concern for the facts or truth.

Today, I'm advocating for having a neutral gear. It's okay to sit in neutral while we learn, digest, and process. We don't have to be an expert. We don't need to die on every hill. It's okay to acknowledge that a topic or situation has nuances and complexities.

If you're willing to die on every hill, you have no hills. If you're an expert on every topic, you're not an expert at anything. If it's so quick and easy to pick a side on every topic, the facts don't really matter.

I have my share of opinions, for sure. However, for the other 95% of topics in the world, I try to sit in neutral until I can truly understand them. It's not a race to get there quickly; it's a journey to get it right. I invite you to have a neutral gear as well.

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Wanted: More “Jerk” Friends

What was intended to be a tongue-in-cheek homage to one of my friends yesterday turned into something bigger than I ever imagined. I received countless texts, e-mails, and phone calls about it. People shared stories about how "jerk" friends in their lives have made a huge impact on them. People shared stories about times they had to step in and be the jerk to someone they loved. A few people shared about how they would take a bullet for their jerk friends. Then, someone said this:

"I wish I had some jerk friends in my life. I think my life would have turned out different if I did. Everyone around me just always affirmed whatever I wanted to do. Hope you know how lucky you are to have some "jerks" in your life."

It reminds me of a conversation I had a few years ago with a former colleague. This dude is seriously successful by the world's standards. He has a fancy job with a fancy title, and the compensation package to go with it. His family lives in a big house, drives beautiful cars, travels to exotic locations, and lives a lifestyle that makes their social media followers drool.

He and I were talking about an upcoming trip I was taking to the Boundary Waters with some of my closest friends. I shared how much some of those guys meant to me and how much impact those trips have on me. Then, he said something that shocked me: "I don't have a single friend like that. To be honest, I'm not sure I have any friend I would call that type of friend."

"Why not?" I asked.

"I don't have time. Work is just too busy. Has been for years. I kind of had to let the friend thing go."

This guy might be wealthy, but is he rich? As a society, I think we need to think long and hard about this question. What is rich? Is it money? Is it stuff? Is it status? I'll die on the hill and say "no" to all of those. Wealth is wealth, but rich is something entirely different altogether. Wealth sits in a bank account and looks impressive on social media. Rich runs through our veins and into our souls. Rich creates a depth to our lives that no money, stuff, or status could ever replicate.

I don't care if you're wealthy or not, but I deeply desire you to live a rich life. If you want a hint on where to start, look at the people you surround yourself with. Find people who move the needle in your life, and vice versa. Invest in them. Embrace them, and never take them for granted. Regardless of what life throws at you, those people will add a richness to life that nothing can take away.

Merry Christmas Eve, all. I hope you have a wonderful and blessed day!

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My Friend Is a Jerk

My family has been eagerly anticipating an upcoming trip to Asia. It will be Finn and Pax's first time to Asia, and showing them that region of the world is one of the biggest excitements of my life. In fact, most people don't know that our family was slated to partially relocate to Asia several years ago. Our plan was to split our year between the U.S. and Asia. We sold our house, significantly downsized, and rented a townhome that would be easy to maintain in our absence. All that remained was to purchase our plane tickets. Then, COVID struck a week later, and unraveled our best-laid plans. Oh well, such is life.

Back to our upcoming trip. Needless to say, I'm beyond excited for this trip. But then, my family got uninvited. My friend, who is clearly a jerk, told me I'm not allowed to come now. Can you believe the audacity?!?! I was pretty frustrated with him. I was excited to see him, my other friends, and the amazing culture we would engage with. However, he had to pull a jerk move and crush my hopes and dreams.

He added (paraphrased): "I love you too much to allow you to make this decision for yourself. You need to take care of yourself and your health. There will be lots more trips for us in the future. But you need to sit this one out. I'm not going to force you to make this difficult decision, so I'm making it for you."

He's referring to my recent neck injury and the devastation it's caused to my life. I've regained my cognitive function and my short-term memory, but life is still challenging physically. His biggest worries are how the 36-hour travel days, endless time in vehicles, and constant grind this trip will risk the recent progress I've made. He's not wrong........unfortunately.

While I don't love his jerk move, I love how well he loves me. We need people like this in our lives. People who will love us well enough to NOT tell us what we want to hear. People who will love us well enough to NOT allow us to hurt ourselves. People who will love us well enough to NOT sit back idly while we make stupid decisions.

There have been countless studies done about the science of happiness. Money makes us really, really happy......until our needs are met. Then, once our needs are met (plus a little more), money doesn't move the needle too much. The studies show that three things definitely do, though:

• Work that matters

• Generosity

• Meaningful relationships

Meaningful relationships. Man, I can't even explain how much my friends mean to me. I'd give up every penny in my life for those I'm closest to. There are a handful of people in my life who will joyfully be the biggest jerks in the world in order to save me from myself. That's love. That's meaning. That's happiness. I'm eternally grateful for each of them!

I'm so brutally upset that I have to miss this upcoming trip with my family, but I need to do what's right, regardless of how frustrating it is. I hope you have some jerk friends who will do this for you, too.

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Next Man Down

Three weeks ago today, I wrote a piece about the importance of savoring the holiday season. In the last paragraph, I included the following sentence: "I'm excited for this holiday season, but as always, I'm nervous I'll find a way to screw it up." That was a tremendously foreshadow-y quote, considering that my life was dramatically altered just hours after I published that piece. That's when my neck injury escalated, my cognitive impairment developed, and I began a multi-week journey to simply regain a sense of "normal."

I arrived back home last night after spending the week at a client site in Nebraska. I was tremendously grateful for the opportunity to get back to work after being essentially incapacitated for two weeks, and it was awesome to get myself back up and running. Fortunately, my remaining brain fog and level-9 pain subsided by Monday night, and I was able to battle through a level-5 slog for the remainder of the week. All in all, I'm so appreciative of the week I had and the work completed.

Less than 20 minutes after arriving home last night, one of my little guys vomited on me. He missed the last two days of school this week with the flu (he looks pitiful), and he's in a world of hurt.

Needless to say, we're limping into Christmas. We were supposed to spend this weekend enjoying the holiday spirit in downtown Chicago: cancelled. Their cousins were supposed to visit while I was away: cancelled. Other fun Christmas-themed events: cancelled.

We have two options:

1. Complain about how sour the lemons taste

2. Make lemonade

I don't know what the coming days will look like in the Shelton household, but we'll refocus and find different ways to create fun memories and enjoy our time together.

Is your holiday season going perfectly like a Hallmark Christmas movie? If so, soak it all in! Enjoy the good fortune. Make the most of it. And for the other 80% of you who might be living in a Lifetime Christmas movie, embrace it for whatever it is. Pivot, adjust, make the best of your "unique" opportunity. Know you're not alone.....despite what everyone else's perfect social media feed might say.

Happy pre-Christmas weekend, everyone! Hope you have an awesome day!

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Let the Truth Be the Truth

Taylor Swift is one of the most polarizing figures in the world. She's beloved beyond belief......and hated beyond belief. While she's not my cup of tea when it comes to music, having been to one of her live shows about a decade ago, I have to admit she's probably one of the best live performers in the world. Her concerts are spectacles.

Her recently completed Eras tour is among the most successful in music history. Taylor and her team performed 149 shows in 51 cities on five different continents. After all the number-crunching was completed, it solidified its status as the highest-grossing tour in history (approximately $2 billion). The craziest part of all this is that not a single show was cancelled (sickness, injury, fatigue, or any other factor). The fans counted on her to show up, and she delivered night in and night out, regardless of how she was feeling or other life circumstances.

I recently saw something that stopped me in my tracks. It was an excerpt from a new documentary about her tour. I'll set the stage. Taylor, known for taking care of people around her, gathered her on-stage dance team. She handed out handwritten cards to everyone, then asked one of the men to read his aloud, noting that everyone's card said the same thing.

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The man reads aloud: "We've traveled the world like we set out to do. We've dazzled the crowds, but missed family, too. My full gratitude doesn't come from a bank, but here's (bleep) dollars, just to say thanks."

When he read the bleeped number, you could see everyone in the room shudder; hands to mouths, knees wobbly, eyes bulging. What did he say?!?!

After diving into the comments and finding some lip-reading experts, it was generally concluded that the number he read aloud was $750,000. Each dancer in that room was given $750,000!!!! Not their pay, their bonus. They've already been paid what they signed up for. This extreme act of generosity was unprecedented.

In total, it's reported that Taylor Swift gave away $197 million in bonuses over a few days. $750,000 to dancers, $100,000 to truck drivers, and so on. Just like that, Taylor gave away nearly $200,000,000 (out of her own pocket) above and beyond what her team was already paid for their jobs. Unreal!

As is usually the case with social media, the trolls came out to play:

• "It just proves she screwed the fans with her high ticket prices."

• "She should have given a lot more, considering how rich she already is."

• "All her merch proves she's just greedy."

• "She's just flaunting her money at this point."

• "She only gave away 10% of the profit....she's a cheap ass!" (It's worth noting that the bonuses were 10% of the $2B of revenue, not profit. Her profit was significantly lower after factoring in all the costs.

People can say whatever they want, but Taylor Swift clearly cares deeply about people. Her fans (she didn't miss a single show!), her crew ($197 million in bonuses!), and the people closest to her (she has a reputation for being ultra-loyal). Yet, regardless of what she does, people will hate her relentlessly.

None of us will ever be Taylor Swift, but she demonstrates an important concept. Just let the truth be the truth. Be generous. Show love. Treat people extraordinarily well. Recognize those who help us on our journey. Let the truth be the truth, and the rest will sort itself out.

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Extravagant With a Capital "E"

One of the (very few) perks to being completely debilitated is having the time to scroll and read. Bad news: My short-term memory has been very poor, and I don't retain much of what's happening around me. Good news: I sometimes have the wherewithal in the moment to text message myself good ideas.

Today's post is one such good idea. I stumbled upon a fun little video that perfectly exemplifies one of my favorite concepts. When it comes to giving, it's not enough to give just enough. When done with the right heart and for the right reasons, giving should be extravagant. It should be sacrificial. It should create a moment. The following video clip is just that:

@globalmindapparel ♬ original sound - Global Mind Apparel

I know many of you won't watch this video, so please allow me to describe. A little boy and his father walk into a shoe store. The boy is in the middle of basketball season and needs a new pair of shoes. His dad said he could buy anything that costs less than $75. Shoe after shoe after shoe disappoints him, as he can't find anything for less than $75.

Disappointed, he starts walking toward the exit. This is where the story picks up. A young lady notices what's happening and decides to catch him as he's leaving. After hearing his story, she tells the boy that he can pick out any shoe in the store and she'll buy it for him.

After looking around, the boy picks up a $175 pair of LeBron's. The dad hesitated, citing the high price. The young lady insisted, stating:

• She knows what it's like to not have enough.

• There's no point in having money if you can't bless others.

• Why should she be in this store to buy her 10th pair of shoes when there's someone who can't even afford their first pair?

This young lady could have taken the gift in a few different directions. She could have said she'd make up the difference between the actual cost and the $75 budget that the dad could afford. Or she could have offered to buy a more reasonably priced pair of shoes. Instead, she decided to be extravagant in her generosity. Any pair he wanted.....period.

She created a moment. It's these types of stories that can change both parties. For her, that act of joyful and extravagant giving may have unlocked something in her. Perhaps that was the catalyst that sent her down a journey of generosity. For that boy, who knows what seed she just planted in him. Maybe 25 years from now, he'll be a multi-millionaire spreading generosity all around him, citing the impact a young woman once had on his life when he was just a boy. Every gift, even a $175 pair of shoes, has the potential to change someone's world.

I encourage you to look for moments like this. Extravagant moments. Special moments. Generosity that will move the needle in someone's journey. If even a pair of shoes can create that, just imagine how much possibility is on the table!

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Memories Don’t Discriminate

Earlier this week, Sarah and I took the boys to see Elf in the movie theater. It was one of those cool theaters where they serve you dinner during the movie. The real magic happened the night before, though, when we shared the news of this upcoming family outing. Both boys immediately screamed in excitement and jumped wildly around the kitchen. Blood-curdling screams of euphoria. Eardrum-piercing screams of joy. To go watch a 20+ year-old movie they've seen a dozen times.

Memories don't discriminate. Those boys reacted as if we were surprising them with a trip to Disney, except our surprise cost $80, not $8,000. I know I beat on this drum often, but I don't think there are enough reps to appropriately make this point. Memories are memories because they are memories. We need not spend tons of money to create them. Financial resources are NOT the prerequisite to memories. Memories don't discriminate.

We're living in a time where more and more people feel frustrated and defeated. Families are struggling financially. The tension is tightly wound. It can sometimes feel like it's all too much.

I hate that for everyone living in that reality. At the same time, however, I want to encourage parents to create memories regardless of financial resources. Sure, expensive memories are expensive, but affordable memories are affordable. At the end of the day, however, memories don't discriminate. Years down the road, your kids won't remember how much (or how little) a memory cost their parents. All they will know is how the memory made them feel.

As such, create, create, create. Use whatever creativity and resources you do have to create the coolest memories possible for your family. Don't give up or feel defeated. Drive around and look at Christmas lights. Go get hot chocolates and watch the carolers. Open Netflix and snuggle up to a holiday classic on the couch. Make tree ornaments or gingerbread houses. Volunteer together at a local shelter or food pantry. Find a big hill to sled. Just make memories! Memories don't discriminate.

Regardless of where you stand financially this season, you have an opportunity to make this the best Christmas season ever, abounding in memories and experiences. Make it happen, and enjoy the ride!

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